A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have always struggled with accepting porn behind my back from my husband. I have come a long way and have come to terms that it is normal. I also have found that the less I stress about it, the better off I am. That I should be thankful that he is a healthy masterbator and not going to woman in person to get pleasure. I am very adventurous in bed, I do toys, lingerie, videos, sexting, pics everything. Our sex life is not dull. But yesterday I used his phone because mine was dead, and it was loaded with porn. Granted, I have been very sick the past 2-3 weeks and unable to perform oral completely. So I knew I needed not to say anything, but I cant help but for it not to hurt my feelings. That feeling just never goes away. It will always break my heart. Why?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Only you can say really, OP. You're probably just one of these people who can't separate the idea of masturbation and sex. Masturbation is not a sexual act for a guy, it's a release like a piss. While women have vibrators to make that release, quick, clean and efficient, watching the sexual act in porn is what works best for guys.
2 minutes (or less) with porn or longer as we try to create a mental fantasy to get ourselves aroused etc. Both me an my wife use porn for that. I would masturbate regardless of whether she was okay with it or not, I wouldn't be happy if I had to spend ten to twenty minutes using my mind for that release every time just appease her ego.
OP I've had sex every day this week, very good sex and I'm extremely happy with my sex life, but I've still masturbated. I've still needed that quick release, especially before work. Ladies always seem to think that we shouldn't need to wank if we're sexually satisfied, or that they'll do it. For most guys that's not the reality. Nothing that involves a woman that takes two minutes sexually is a good thing, and frankly I respect my wife more than to use her for masturbation.
You said you want to accept it then you need to treat his masturbation, his alone time release as nothing more than a piss, and porn as being nothing more than what a vibrator is to a woman. Or you can do what some of the ladies here think and become controlling about his every sexual release.
There's nothing wrong with having a problem with porn, and the fact you're willing to try and get over it as a first response instead of being controlling says everything about how much he means to you. If you've tried all options, tried to change your thinking or viewed it differently and it still hasn't worked then it's time for a deep heartfelt discussion about his usage and it's effects. If he's a good guy he'll make sure you never see any evidence of it ever again. Being okay with it would really be aided if you never had to see it ever.
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (25 February 2014):
"It really isn't the porn that bothers women. It is the fact men insist on masturbating,"
I will have to disagree, i think most women are bothered about the fact they are using porn rather than the act of masturbating itself. Just my opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Not to make light of your feelings; but just for the sake of humor, take away our devices and what the hell would we do?
The purchase of porn-magazines and XXX-theaters would make a huge comeback!
Come on, do you think I believe that fib about how your phone lost charge... so on and so forth? Seriously?!!
I can plug in my wire-charger and use my phone while it's in the process of charging. I get a full charge inside 15-20 minutes, maybe less. These days, people rarely use their phones until they are completely dead. They make all that annoying pinging and give incessant warnings they're dying. Was it a 911 call you had to make?
Pant's on fire!
Now seriously, down to business. Snooping has it's consequences. Women insist on going through their husband's and boyfriend's private things, and then go crazy with what they find. I'm going to get the backlash of how you shouldn't hide secrets, and blah blah blah. There is no trust to begin with; when you feel you have to go through his private things. Then find things accidentally on purpose. Good, then get a divorce or breakup! Or, just shrug and shake your head in disgust. It's quite adolescent.
If it wasn't a common thing, it would not show up as the topic of so many posts. So I guess it's a grim reality that comes with social media; and it's a sleazy appetite that more men have than few. We don't have to prove anything; nor force you to like it. What would help a lot is just avoiding going through other people's private stuff.
Trust me. Porn is nowhere near the likes of, or better than, cheating. Cheating is having sex with a totally different partner, who doesn't care if you like porn; and won't go through your private stuff. No comparison.
You are a very intelligent, and forward-thinking lady. You are sensual and willing to please. You love your husband and you both have a happy and healthy sex-life. So why are you heart-broken? Because curiosity killed the cat!
Porn appeals to a totally different appetite, and it is more about the "visual-effect" of images that provoke sexual arousal; rather than the act of love-making.
It is totally selfish, and void of emotion. It's appeal grows, because women hate it so. So the "forbidden-fruit" or "dirty-little-secret" aspect adds to its appeal. Thereby boosting it's popularity among males. We are visual creatures. The more you fight it and complain, the more of a male-movement you create to resist your attempts to abolish it. It becomes an underground movement to resist female-oppression of male-sexuality.
There is no common-ground. Just tolerance.
Some men do get rather addicted to the feeling of multiple/instant orgasms through masturbation.
That really doesn't require help, or having to worry about your partner getting off. Partners require more than three or four minutes, and a lot of work. Giving yourself a hand always has a happy-ending. No one feels under-appreciated, left-out, or un-beautiful. (un-beautiful is not a word)
As far as the use of porn is concerned; we men can be quite beastly and disgusting, looking through the eyes of a female partner. You will never please him to a degree he never wants to masturbate. The need is spontaneous and requires immediate gratification.
It really isn't the porn that bothers women. It is the fact men insist on masturbating, and we don't require a partner to do it. You want to be the wank-police! It is not behind your back, it is in private. Without your permission.
Don't force your husband to hide or deny his natural instincts; and think he'll be happy with you. He is happy that he has a beautiful wife who has a classy-kinky side and keeps his testosterone levels at a peak. He still must have moments of intimacy with his co-pilot. His penis.
He will see such attempts to be a wiener-Nazi, as trying to be his mother. Trying to take control over his most private of personal impulses. It is as embarrassing to him when you bring up this habit(forcing him to be defensive); as it is for you to discuss a heavy flow during your period. It is the same as having your mother go through your sock drawer at 15!
Most of the women who come on DC with their tales of woe and sudden overwhelming feeling of betrayal and inadequacy snooped to find it.
They were trying to patrol their partner's masturbation habits; and pulled the drama-queen bit. Dramatizing how it makes them feel so un-beautiful. Please! It's just a stupid guy-thing. When any impulse is out of control, that is a sickness. Many males are brought up in conservatively religious households,and taught to feel guilty about a natural call of nature. Far too much as boys. It's even considered a sin!
Porn-assisted masturbation is a form of rebellion, when you try to impose those restrictions on a full-grown man! No matter what pitiful excuses and dramatizations you can dream up to justify it. It's jealousy and a bit of penis-envy.
Not in your case, you snooped and got a big surprise!
It is not cheating, is an aid for masturbation; which is a natural habit both men and women enjoy. Very prudish and uptight people may avoid it; but the impulse is still there, because they are human. That's why we make such a big deal about it.
Catch your breath. Get over the shock. Porn is just a visual-aid. You're far too progressive and sexy in the bed-room; to be replaced by a few sleazy images on a screen. if you have kids, see that he puts a lock on his phone. He will only be more secretive; if you carry-on like he cheated on you. That, and less attracted to you for being over-reactive and nosy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Just from reading through the majority of questions posted on this site, it seems that porn and the use of it factors in most of the relationship problems, so I don't understand how it can be cited as harmless. It's not like you don't cater to his needs. If the issue is really causing you hurt and concern then I'd confront him and tell him how it makes you feel. Once he knows your feelings hopefully he'll be inclined to rethink his use.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Is porn in your marriage really such a big deal that your husband needs to carry on using it knowing the pain it causes? Does he realise the damage this is doing? I don't care if my other half watches porn. I use it on my own and with him BUT if it hurt him like this I would stop immediately. Are people so selfish that they can't or won't stop?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): There is a theory that some women view porn as a form of cheating and although they know that their partner is not physically searching out other women, they feel that the fact their partner is watching the porn that they are under appreciated and it becomes a heartbreaking concern. Without realising it, you may too feel this and therefore it hurts you to know that he is watching porn, even more so when you were unwell and therefore unable to do whatever he wanted. Watching porn can be a form of release for a number of people, male and female. Some use watching porn and masturbating as a release for stress at work etc. Porn is not necessarily a 'big deal', it would appear that your sex life is very 'adventurous' and so thinking about this porn situation will only put added pressure and strain on you. If you partner is not bringing porn into your relationship then it would be advised to allow him this freedom. Easier said than done, but restricting him from watching porn could cause more problems than it's worth.
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