A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I’m no good at relationships I never have been. Every relationship I’ve been in seems to fail. I’ve been dating this guy for a year, at first things was amazing! (I'm about to be 21 and he's 22). Then things got bad and then they got better. Now things are going all to hell! We fight constantly about everything: I get depressed, angry and upset because I feel like he doesn’t love me and doesn’t pay enough attention to me and only cares about his hometown and his friends (his home town and friends and family are like 45 minutes to an hour away).He gets angry at me because he says I’m to bitchy and controlling. We live together so we spend a lot of time together, he works 3rd shift and I work 11:30am-5:30pm. The only time we’re apart from each other is when we are at work. I don’t really have what you call friends because they are either married or just to busy or something so I’m usually always at home cleaning and taking care of my daughter (my boyfriend isn’t the father) so I don’t go out much at all. My boyfriend has one good friend that he’s started hanging out with again a lot. And he has his church friends that he see’s on Sunday I never go around his friends because they don’t like me I never go around his family either because they don’t like me either except his brother he likes me and my daughter. Anyway, the problems is that I feel like he really doesn’t care for me anymore as much as he used to. When he isn’t working he spends his time texting his friends playing his video game or in his hometown and sometimes doing stuff with me like watching movies. We really never have any conversations anymore like we used our conversations is mainly us yelling and screaming at each other. I feel like he doesn’t pay attention to me. I like to cuddle all the time, I like to feel loved by him. But he really doesn’t do that anymore. Idk if its because of the fighting so much or what. He don’t really say I love you or give me kisses, we hardly ever cuddle at all anymore when we’re in bed he’s playing a video game or playing or texting on his phone and I’m laying there trying to go to sleep when he gets done with his game and phone he turns over and goes to sleep. I was sick 2 days ago throwing up and all that stuff. I was hoping he would give me just a little bit of attention but he didn’t. The past few days he’s been working first and second. But he still could have asked me I needed anything or told me he loved me or asked how I was feeling right? He didn’t do anything the only thing he did was get me something to drink and that was only because I asked him to he said he was too sleepy from working long hours and just wanted to sleep. He says I’m to bitchy and controlling because I won't let him go to his home town and hangout with his friends and family whenever he wants to go. He usually went on Sundays but now he’s wanting to go more. He said he missed it. Are they’re any ways to improve things or is this relationship just not meant to be or could he be cheating? Or could the fighting cause all the distance?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): You're clingy, and smothering your boyfriend; because you have no friends. You're isolated from your own family-unit.
His family and friends must not like you; because you aren't friendly towards them. You see them as the people who take him away from you; so you don't extend any warmth.
People don't just dislike you for no reason. Your post explains in great detail why they may have a reason for not liking you.
You are too dependent on your boyfriend; and you have him most of his free time. You're not cuddling, you're clinging.
Guess what? People get tired of you holding on to them your every waking-moment. They get tired of always having to show you how much they love you; especially when enough is never enough. That's why your relationships always fail.
You look to having a man to cover for your own weaknesses and inability to connect with people. They have to fill-in for all the anti-social feelings you have towards anyone that isn't your boyfriend. He is your everything. He has to constantly feed you affection; or you'll act like a starving baby.
Arguments are the prelude to the end of a relationship.
Their frequency and intensity is proof that it's already over; until he gets the nerve to sever it entirely. You live together, so that may delay things until he can find a place to live.
I'd recommend you seek professional counseling for your insecurity; but I don't know your economic situation. You may not have health-insurance, and you are financially dependent on a boyfriend. There are charity organizations that do offer help at minimal to no cost.
I'm quite concerned for you. You really need to work on your insecurities; and to determine why you isolate yourself from people. That may require professional help.
You also mentioned depression. I hope that you have sought professional opinion about that, at some point. That is an illness, and it doesn't just go away untreated. It could be due to physiological, or psychological reasons. Postpartum depression, perhaps. Your child can't be more than 2 years old, three at the most.
Depression may be the root of your failures in your relationships. That and other insecurities. Social disorders usually make people unlikeable; because they are unfriendly and unwelcoming to people they consider outsiders, or threatening in some way.
Get that treated. Try to find yourself a job, or get enrolled in school part-time. You need intellectual stimulation, education; or some positive mental challenge in order to distract you from obsessing over your boyfriend.
Once he is out of the picture, you will be forced to seek help. I don't think you will as long as he's there. You have to learn how to fend for your daughter and yourself, on your own. Get her dad to pay child-support.
You need to have independence and be responsible for your own financial support; in order to build more self-reliance and self-confidence. Then you will not have to rely on having a man; and smothering him until he flees from you.
Where do you start? Get online and look for women's support groups. Help for women with children. They will assign you a mentor or counselor, who will guide you to help and resources. You will need help to get you through your emotional problems, whether you breakup or not.
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