A
female
age
30-35,
*dviceseeker43
writes:This one is a doozie...Please help!!!!I am a female senior in college, 2 hours away from home.My mom set me up with one of her coworkers in December. She said we would be perfect together, and gave the guy my phone number. I came home for Winter Break, and He texted me and we met for dinner. I've never hit it off so quickly with someone. Our morals were very similar, we both aren't partiers, and love working with children and close to our families. After our dinner, he walked me to my car and asked to go out again before I left to go back to school.After this date, he texted me everyday. It was super exciting. It took him a while to plan the 2nd date, as he is much more last minute of a planner than I am. I asked him about this because it made me feel as if he wasn't really interested in me. When we talked about it, he apologized and said since he knew I was working over break too, he just wanted to wait until I was free. (I tend to overreact a lot, so I think I did about this too.)Our 2nd date was even better than the first. At the end of it we had a talk about where we go from there. We talked about our past relationships: he had done long distance numerous times and it ended poorly; I had dated several guys who lost interest in me out of the blue/ thought I was too high maintenance and left (I can be a bit insecure). He told me how much he liked me, he felt more comfortable around me than any other girl and how he would date me in a second if I was staying in the same town. He said he also wanted me to enjoy my last semester of college and We agreed to just keep in touch and see where I got a job upon graduating. He told me he likely wouldn't be dating anyone else but he didn't want to hold me back.I immediately tried to make it long distance when I got back to school. I got very controlling and tried to make him make plans and come visit me or meet me halfway. He texted me daily and would call on the phone occasionally as well. We met up once halfway and had a really great time. All the while I was stressing about trying to make this relationship last until I graduate because I really really wanted to be with him.I told him I was coming home Valentine's Day and several other weekends (trying to get all my days in there) and he said he would make plans.Somewhere around then I panicked. I was supposed to come home one weekend and had talked about watching a movie but I had also named so many other weekends that he thought I wasn't coming home until Valentine's Day and didn't make any time to see me that weekend. I sent him a long text and didn't hear from him for 2 days. I tried to wait, but I was going crazy. After some soul searching, I felt like I really needed to apologize for showing my crazy and trying to make something long distance with someone who wasn't ready.I called him and we had a long talk. I apologized for being manipulative and trying to ALWAYS make him open up and he said it was ok and didn't bother him. (*My favorite thing about him is how well he handles me and because he has 2 sisters and a mom, he's really good at calming me down and accepting me being sometimes high maintenance). He told me he hated long distance because 5 years ago, he was in a LD relationship and cheated on the girl(made out with another girl). He said he was drunk and to this day feels terrible about it and can't look her in the eye. He told me he trusted me, but didn't trust himself and felt so bad about it still and didn't want to do it again. He said he had built up a wall because he was afraid to get hurt again and it wouldn't come down unless we were going to be in the same place. He reaffirmed how much he liked me and how he wanted to stay in touch and reevaluate still when I knew where I was getting a job. Since then, he has sent me snapchats (sort of like a picture text) but no texts. This was 5 days ago that we talked on the phone. I'm not super concerned about the fact that he cheated on someone 5 years ago. I believe people make mistakes (especially guys in college) and since he's never done it again, I was just appreciative at how open and honest he was. I'm not considering going back home when I graduate for him, I'm weighing all my options to pick the best for me (wherever I get a job). However, I know how much I like him and how he has been supportive, kind, and calls me whenever anything goes wrong and helps me calm down. I've never felt this way about anyone and it hurts to know I can't really be with him right now. I canceled Valentine's Day because that sort of seems like rubbing salt in the wound. However, I miss hearing from him as much (I guess I can't really expect it because it's casual), but I'd like your opinions about what YOU would do. It's been sad to check my phone and hear nothing from him. However, something tugs at me to hang in there because it seems to be very promising perhaps in the future. Thank you for reading all of this. I really really need the help.
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co-worker, drunk, insecure, long distance, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): You are high-maintenance. You showed him your crazy side. He has no responsibility to calm you, or any other woman down. No one should go into a relationship dealing with another person's issues.
People who don't want to get hurt are rightfully guarding their feelings; because they are in the process of healing and recovering from emotional trauma.
Long-distance relationships are adventures in horror, when both parties are insecure. You quickly showed your true colors, and he has already dealt with high-strung controlling women. People like this are very difficult partners in a relationship.
I think he is wise not to pursue it. I think you need to work on staying calm; and not speeding to the conclusion people like you less for not constantly reassuring you how they feel about you.
That is the predominate reason many women come to DearCupid. They demand too much proof that a guy cares for them, or is he losing interest. Even in cases where he goes far out of his way, they still allow insecurity to override everything he does to prove his feelings. There is no trust. Some women wouldn't believe him; if Jesus came down on a cloud to convince them.
In reality, it's rarely the case of the guy losing interest. He just gets fed up with the neediness. It's stifling. It becomes the center-most issue of the relationship. It's all about proving how much he cares.
Making up for all her past mistakes, and poor choices.
Stroking her ego. That's not how you maintain; or build a relationship. It's how you tear it apart.
I don't think you are capable of enduring a long-distance relationship. He already admits he isn't.
Get through your last term of college. Graduate and see where life takes you, and who may be better suited in your life in the future. This was good, but not good enough. He has his own issues to contend with. He admits his limitations, and honestly told you he isn't up for an
LDR. I would accept that.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 i would move on. he's not interested. if he was, he'd be with you. period. saying "if you were closer, we could date" is just his way of politely letting you down. if you lived local, he'd find another excuse. when guys like you, they pursue you. it's that simple.
he also handles you so well because he doesn't really care that much. he's so nonchaulant like, "eh, it's cool, no worries" because he's not emotionally invested. it's easy to handle things so well when you're completely emotionally removed.
you seem to get attached and way too clingy/demanding too soon. after the first date, giving him a hard time for not initiating a second date under the specified amount of time you envisioned, is way too much. that kind of behavior is a nightmare for most men. i know you like him, but you have got to tone it down.
i would move on from him. work to stop being so demanding/controlling and then get with a guy who pursues you and likes you for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 February 2014):
 Firstly, why have you listed yourself as being in Australia when quite obviously by your language (winter break, college senior, college semester rather than uni, etc etc) you are not in Australia? While this issue might not be a biggie (or even a doozie), it can lead to confusion.
Stressing about making a relationship work after 2 dates and some texts suggests some professional counselling might be in order, to help you understand why you are stressing over this, and to give you some tools you can use to help you deal with your issue. If you are attending a university in Australia (not a college) check with student services, as most universities do have counsellors available at no or low cost to students.
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