A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with this guy for a few yrs now, nothing exclusive because he had a girlfriend whom he recently married. It's been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster with us in that time. I want to get rid of him and every time that I try, I just can't. It's the same with him trying to get rid of me. Lately we've been constantly fighting every day, and you would think that the only thing that makes sense would be to end everything and move on, right? Not in our case. We just continue to fight and threaten each other about leaving and yet, we never actually do it. I've become very bitter towards him after everything that he's put me through, and most of the time, I start the fights because well, I really don't know..pent up rage or something?Anyways, yesterday I had spent ALL morning baking him cupcakes/cookies that I planned on mailing to him, since I go to school an hour away from our hometown. I was fine and dandy until he said something about how he always defends me when his wife brings me up. As far as I know, all he's done is talk about me behind my back with her, and I know this because in a rant of hers, she brought up things that only he knows. I knew all along that it was him who told her, but I never confronted him until yesterday and he confirmed that he had talked about me behind my back and that he was really sorry but couldn't take it back, blah blah blah. Even though I already knew, to hear him actually say he did it was on another level. I'd never felt so betrayed in my life. I mean, it's one thing to talk about me behind my back, but it's another to talk about me with HER. At that point, I just snapped. I eventually just ended the conversation saying that I needed a break from him at the moment to cool off and that I'd talk to him later. I was fuming with anger and I spent the rest of the night thinking about what a lying, cheating, selfish, backstabbing jerk he is. I decided that was it and I no longer needed him in my life. Fast forward to this morning, I woke up and saw no usual text from him. In fact, he wasn't even on-line. I texted him and asked him why he wasn't on-line and he had told me because that because there was no one to talk to, he had no reason to be on. He immediately signed on after that. I really can't explain what happened to me this morning, or how I went from so angry with him just hours before to wanting to talk to him. I'm thinking that it was because I couldn't talk to him, that I wanted to talk to him..or that he can't be the one to ignore me because I was the one who was angry at him..honestly, I have no idea.I really hate how much control he has over me, especially since I should hate his guts after everything we've gone through..and I do, but for some stupid reason called love, I just can't let him go. Is there any way to just end this cycle, once and for all?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Hi,You must realize that YOU are also a lying and cheating jerk. Please re-read your post while imagining that your sister, best-friend, daughter, niece, or mother wrote it. What would you tell them?Where is your self-esteem? You have NOTHING better to do with your life than try to trick a deceitful married man into having sex with you? Go outside and walk 10 feet in any direction. There are MILLIONS of good single men in that direction. Do you realize what kind of an example you are setting...... for yourself? Is this really what you want to be like? You want this man in your future, so that he can wake up in your bed and go text other women?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Yes the way to end the cycle is to just STOP BEING IN CONTACT WITH HIM. Be prepared that it will take a long time and initially will be tough. Expect this, so you can be mentally prepared for it. stay busy, go travel, or move elsewhere. change your daily patterns to avoid him. Cut him from your facebook. Whatever. But this is what you have to do, and you do it for as long as it takes until your feelings fade.
You don't feel Love for him. maybe at one time you did, but by now the relationship so toxic that it's not love any more. It's just an unhealthy attachment to someone because you've grown used to having a relationship with him that it's become your default state of being even though it's turned into something ugly and hurtful rather than something enjoyable.
In the beginning of your relationhip there was probably a lot more positive interactions between you. Whenever he did something that angered or hurt you, he may have made it up to you fairly soon and thus made you feel OK again. This is how most normal relationship function anyway. if one partner does something that hurts the other, they then do something nice to make up for it and make the other happy again.
But yours is not a real relationship because it's an affair so there's far more opportunities for hurting and lying and broken promises, and fewer opportunities for doing good things and keeping promises and treating you well.
So as time goes on and he's still not leaving his wife for you and still treating you in ways you don't want to be treated, you feel more and more upset and hurt. Over time the ratio of positive feelings to negative ones goes sharply downhill.
You think how DARE he do this to me again. But you don't leave him behind instead you keep in contact hoping he will do something nice that shows he actually still has feelings for you. Then eventually he does. Then it calms down your brain from the anger and hurt you were feeling. so you learn that if only you wait around longer, he'll do something nice again and make you feel OK. i.e. when he hurts you and you feel like crap, just wait around and he'll do something nice and you'll stop feeling like crap.
This becomes an ingrained pattern in you. Because the only way you know how to make those crappy feelings go away is to wait around or induce him to do something nice and good for you.
The problem is that there's more hurt than positives in your relationship with him, since it's an affair not an honest open relationship. So on the whole you spend more time feeling crappy than good.
So you're even more desperate to have another nice or positive interaction with him. It's not because you feel Love for him, it's because that's the only way your brain can calm down and not feel so crappy.
This is unhealthy because he is in control of your emotional well being, not you. You will be a train wreck, and you are. He is the source of your pain, yet he is also the only way for your pain to be temporarily calmed, because you know no other way to make the pain go away except by having him make it up to you.
You need to remove yourself from this situation even if it hurts a lot, because eventually that hurt will fade away whereas staying in this situation means a never ending cycle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Thank you so much for your answer. In response to your question, no, I have never met her. But ever since I met him, she was constantly harassing me. She would send me messages, call me, call my parent's house, etc. but I never once responded to any of her messages/calls.
She's found out about our relationship twice. The first time, he fooled her to think we were simply friends. The second, she found out to what extent we really were together. She's left me alone since, so I'm assuming he has her convinced that I'm no longer in his life.
I honestly don't know why or how I even came up in their conversations. He said it was out of anger, but I've never done anything to him for that to be justified or deserved.
I really would like to move on from him, but the idea of it scares me. I've been under a lot of stress lately and that in turn caused me to push away all my friends, he's the only one left that I still talk to. So if I stop talking to him, then I'll really be alone. Pathetic, I know :/
What sucks is that I do realize that he's got nothing to offer me and I'm just wasting my time, but I still can't let go..
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (9 February 2011):
 The only way you will ever get over this man is to cut all ties with him. This means deleting his number, blocking him on Facebook, and avoiding any of his hangouts. You've wasted several years on a man who isn't willing to commit to you. As much as you think you love this man, he will never give you the love and commitment you deserve.
Have you met his wife and does she know the two of you have been romantically involved? I'm only curious because he has obviously bad-mouthed you to her. Why would he do that? Is it so she will think there is nothing going on between the two of you? Any man who truly loved you would never speak negatively about you to others.
This man enjoys the excitement and sex that you are readily willing to give him. Think about it... would you ever be able to trust him if he left his wife for you? Eventually, he would tire of you, and find a new mistress to fill the void you currently fill. Men like him are predictable in this manner. You need to cut your losses and kick this self absorbed loser to the curb. He represents everything you do not want in a husband. For this reason, be thankful that you will not be the woman who has to put up with his philandering ways for the rest of your life!
It's never easy breaking up with someone you love, but you must find the strength to get away from this guy. Otherwise, he will string you along for however many years or decades he can get. You are young, and this is the best time for you to date and find a man who will offer you love you deserve!
I realize you are struggling with your feelings for this man and that's not easy, but it can be done. You just need to find the strength. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk more about your situation. I do hope you will keep us updated. Good luck!
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