A
male
age
51-59,
*ust_me_in_love
writes:I am in the process of divorce after ten years of marriage,and a beautiful 17 month daughter. My "ex" won't communicate with me verbally, and the occasional email responses I get in response to anything I ask are usually one or two words long. How can I get her to be more cooperative and communicative? She has stated that she doesn't trust me, which I understand. I have told her and her attorney that I am willing to concede a lot of things to make her comfortable and happy. Note: I didn't cheat or abuse. Just didn't work out....
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Hi thereI have this problem but the other way round. I am getting divorced after 15 years- ( not my choice) and my husband will not answer the phone , e-mails or anything and will just send back one word answers to texts which I have sent that are really long. We have a 11 year old boy. In my case he committed adultery and just fell out of love with me. He now has his own place etc and seems quite happy. People I have spoken to say that people stop communicating for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are just furious, sometimes they just had enough after a build up of things and sometimes they are just very upset. Being in her shoes I know there is the terrible fear of what is going to happen to me and the house, money worries, the fact that she is left with a very young baby, the end of dreams of growing old together and all those things for the future which are torn apart . She is in a very empotional state and obviously very upset. I think it is a case of letting time go by. I became terribly upset when I got letters from his lawyers it really frightened me that someone could turn against me after so many years and the most important thing was the trust I had in him was eroded.The trust issue is the most upsetting. I know with me I would have appreciated texts to tell me what was going to come in the post etc so I could prepare myself mentally but he never did. I think you should continue texting her to keep her apprised of the situation and things like that but accept the fact that you might not get an answer for a while.All the best
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reader, rcn +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Do you have an attorney? If not, get one. You need someone to discuss important issues on behalf of yourself.
Some people it takes a while for them to be available to talk, or feel comfortable in doing so. Think about this. You're married, have a child, now you have a child with separate parenting households. So many emotions are present with the divorce. Fellings of failing. If the child is with her, a reminder that she's going to be a single parent. Not invisioning this end when she got pregnant.
I'd just give her a little time. It may be harder for her to come to a cooperative realization than it is for you. If not make sure proper communications go through her attorney and they can discuss and/or agree to terms then forwarding the answer to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is always a hard place to be in. I separated from my childs father when my son was only about 15 months old or so. And whilst we were not actually married, but had been in a long term committed relationship prior, we didn't have to settle up much stuff, but shit it was hard.
I suppose I can only give a perspective from her side. Unfortunately in my case, my man was particularly horrible to me prior to our breakup, I was confused by all of this and seeing that the relationship was coming to an end, but didn't really know why. I was angry with him, the situation with me was that he couldn't communicate with me and whilst I seemed to be the one who was not wanting to end the relationship, I was the one who had to sort all the loose ends out. It was bitter.
Part of my reason for sharing this with you is for you to perhaps take yourself out of your position, and try to see it from hers. Even if she is being unreasonable. She will have a carrot up her bum about something. So if you can identify what her grief is, then this is the area you need to focus on in order to start better communication.
You say you didn't cheat or betray her, so whilst it is none of our business to know why your relationship ended, it is hard without that information, to offer suggestions as to how you can move this thing on.
I suspect if she was not so keen to 'break up', that she is trying to possibly 'hang on'. If she is a new mum and had expectations of a loving and long lasting family starting, she may be moarning for lost dreams. Even if she is accepting of the break-up, she will also have regrets and emotions of failure and fears of what the future may hold.
It is only natural that alot of emotional stuff is going on with both of you. You could also be ironically thankful about some of these emotions. If your relationship was nothing to both of you and something which didn't impact on either, then you would easily be able to break-up/divorce without drama. But if you did once love each other, then these emotions and uncooperative attitudes and anger, are all going to be part of it. But it does settle.
I don't want to go on too long about this, but consider if your urgency could also be triggering her attitudes? Have you move on with someone new, and she is stuck holding the baby so to speak. These sort of things are often the triggers for being bitchy and difficult.
All the best.
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