A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Its been 50 days. My boyfriend broke up with me..It was all my fault. Its been 2 years. For 1 year we were together when i was working ..but from last 1 year we are in long distance. I live with my parents and i am jobless. My career is not going good..I failed in so many interviews..He supported me a lot during this time morally. But 30 days back he said..he lost all of his attraction because i am not an ambitious person..I have no goals in life all i care about is relationship. He can't handle long distance relationship. I know it was all my fault..my world revolved around him.. From last 30 days i am working really hard..i am doing everything which i had never done before..I have joined a gym. i am overweight so i always felt he was not attracted to me. He never told me directly but his actions proved every thing.. He was hardly interested in having sex with me. In last two years not even once has he asked me that send me some of your pictures. Whenever we skyped he sat there with disinterest..it was like a chore for him..he was never excited about it.I ruined our relationship..Since day one i always tried to please him..I never set any boundaries.. on our very first date i slept with him.. i thought if i will say no to him he will leave me. I was very insecure about my weight on that point of time. Guys don't value things which they get easily.. I was suffering from low self esteem. When he broke up with me i pleaded..i cried .. i told him that give me a chance i will change. But he said he is tired of everything.. he thinks i have no self respect .. I have no career.. he said.. he need some time.. He said .. do something in your life.. only after period of time he will think about it.. He said he doesn't want to give me any hope.I lost my dignity..my self respect in front of him..He thinks i am a desperate loser..Is there any way i can change his perception about me. I unfriended him on Facebook on the day he broke up with me because it was too much for me.. I want him to value me the way i value him..i know it was my fault..i am working hard to change myself..but i think till that time he will completely move on or find some one else.. He won't give me any chance..please help.
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ambition, broke up, facebook, insecure, live with my parents, long distance, move on, overweight, period, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 I hate myself, but I refuse to do nothing with my life. I've been on the waiting list for therapy for a long time (I can't afford private therapy), I've done volunteer work, found a hobby giving advice online and blogging about my life/feelings. I'm currently too unwell to work (out-of-control chronic illness), but I working towards getting a part-time job with an employer who will understand. I'm also very overweight (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and two eating disorders), but I am trying to eat healthier and walk my dog 2+ times a week.
OP, a man can't make you feel better about yourself permanently. You have to do things for yourself, not for someone else.
Stop thinking about him and get a job, go to the gym or do workout videos on YouTube, volunteer some of your spare time with an animal rescue or homeless shelter and be someone you can be proud of.
You won't find a healthy, long-lasting relationship until you're actively working on bettering yourself, for yourself. How do I know? I have a boyfriend and desperately crave his validation of me, but the things I'm doing in my life, I'm doing for myself - so if we ever break up, I am still working on doing things with my life that I want to do. You need to do the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): Dear OP
I answered earlier. Adding a reply to your update.
Of course you can live without a man. Why on earth should you prove it to him?
Did you not live before he walked into your life? If you choose to have a relationship it does not mean you are weak or absolutely need a man to survive. Love is not a game of cat and mouse that a man will be attracted to you only if you run away from him!
He knows where your soft spot is and is poking at it repeatedly. He has no right to speak or behave rudely and say mean things to you because you are emotionally dependent, romantic and celebrate your partner. Let go of him and you will automatically gain back your self respect.
I'm sure you'll find someone who finds your sweetness and overflowing love attractive. But ensure that you aren't creeping the person out with too much adoration or obsession since you have low self esteem and are a people pleaser too.
In future, don't try to force love on someone or get them hooked on the first date by having sex. you will only end up with a fake relationship and a wrong partner. Don't try too hard in life, just be natural, be yourself, be patient while enjoying life in your own terms. We indian girls have immense support of our parents. Enjoy your single life volunteer at an ngo, meet good people, join a hobby class, maybe a physical activity that would help you get in shape.
Eventually, i hope you find someone who is not mean and insult you for showing your need to be loved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): I know my response was long, and I hope you took the time to read it. Perhaps at some other time, if you haven't.
You are still focusing on him, what he said, and how he feels about you. Then you talk about hating yourself, as if no one gave you any advice at all.
There is no logic to hating yourself, and loving someone else. It makes no sense. Your self-worth does not hinge on his opinion of you. Until you grasp this concept, there will be no change or growth.
Don't look for everyone's sympathy. That doesn't help you. It gives you a little dopamine to make you feel better; but you need well-thought advice to stimulate your sense of reason and logic. Then the wheels start turning that help you to work on your emotions, upgrade your thought-process, and to reverse your self-loathing mindset.
Healing doesn't mean you forget your pain, or what caused it. It's when you are able to move on from that which hurt you; and understand that the value of pain is learning from your mistakes, and the strength you've gained once you've come out on the other side of it. It's no longer about him. It's about you.
If there is a time to be selfish; it is when you are working on yourself for healing, improvement, and enlightenment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Dear OP I answered earlier. Adding a reply to your update.Of course you can live without a man. Why on earth should you prove it to him? Did you not live before he walked into your life? If you choose to have a relationship it does not mean you are weak or absolutely need a man to survive. Love is not a game of cat and mouse that a man will be attracted to you only if you run away from him!He knows where your soft spot is and is poking at it repeatedly. He has no right to speak or behave rudely and say mean things to you because you are emotionally dependent, romantic and celebrate your partner. Let go of him and you will automatically gain back your self respect.I'm sure you'll find someone who finds your sweetness and overflowing love attractive. But ensure that you aren't creeping the person out with too much adoration or obsession since you have low self esteem and are a people pleaser too. In future, don't try to force love on someone or get them hooked on the first date by having sex. you will only end up with a fake relationship and a wrong partner. Don't try too hard in life, just be natural, be yourself, be patient while enjoying life in your own terms. We indian girls have immense support of our parents. Enjoy your single life volunteer at an ngo, meet good people, join a hobby class, maybe a physical activity that would help you get in shape.Eventually, i hope you find someone who is not mean and insult you for showing your need to be loved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you every one..last time when we had a conversation he said the day you will prove to me that you can live without a man..that day you will be attractive to me. The way he said those things.. it still hurts.
I texted him after that conversation that i am sorry i know where i went wrong but i respect your decision..so i am not going to fight for you any more... he replied "Whatever ". I know he is not the right guy for me.. i know it well.. but i also know that i allowed him to treat me that way. I am a people pleaser. The more i think about this the more i hate myself.. sometimes i want to yell at him..i want to text him that how much i am hurting but on the other hand i know by doing this i am only going to lower my value.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): A guy I valued highly once told me my body was repulsive!Yes I was a bit overweight and untoned at the time!So I looked in a mirror and tried on some old clothes that I simply couldnt get around my waist, jeans that I couldnt pull up above the thigh and so on and I decided I had better loose some weight!So I joined one of those organisations that help you lose weight and I met a load of people in similar situations and we talked about food and weight loss and healthy eating for a small fee.We weighed ourselves weekly and congratulated ourselves on weight loss and commisserated with others on weight gain or staying at the same weight for weeks on end.One guy even liked sweeties and him and his girlfriend were at the nearby store stocking up on forbidden supplies.I really didnt care what they ate.I was in there looking for something tasty myself but we felt like guilty children wandering off plan for a celebratory munch.Eventually the weight dropped off..I starved myself for the last few weeks just to hit my target and get my certificate.Then back I went to see my dear friend who said I was repulsive.He was all over me with my svelt figure and I must have been about half the waist size I had been before.He thought I was fantastic. And I felt nothing at all.All that starving to hear these complements!Well I moved on and as I didnt like being so skinny I put a lot of weight back on, but for me, so I wasnt hungry and those same clothes are far too tight again.The secret is this.I just never went back to see him again!I was quite happy to let him think I was permanently super skinny and I just avoided him so he could never tell me the same thing twice.Its a life saving technique!Just be who you are, not what people say you ought to be.And move on and away from negative comments.And dont look back.Who cares what people think.You are living your life.Not them!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Sweetie, First off, this guy sounds toxic. You on the other hand sound dissatisfied with yourself. For you this relationship is less about love and more about your self worth measured by having a boyfriend.Trust me 100 percent that all your problems can be kissed goodbye only when you develop self esteem. After that you will only look for guys who are worthy of being with you. You will select and not wait to be selected. You will look back and laugh at this guy and how he's not worth your foot's dust. You're just blind to your own worth. It sounds like you're a genuine, honest, humble person whose only issue is your lack of self esteem/respect. This guy saw through you crystal clear and took advantage of it. Now that he's used you enough he wants to walk off. Simple: Because if he wanted to date a girl whose nose is in the air, a girl who as you say is not overweight and has many career ambitions, he would have dated such a girl. What stopped him? Opportunity to treat you bad. He chose to date you so that he could put you down and treat you like doormat as that's his favorite hobby- looking for girls who pity themselves and hurt them. Watch and see, the next girl he dates will be no different from you on the inside.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Well done for joining the gym. Now you need to go regularly and get onto a healthy eating plan. This will not only improve your physical health, but also your mental health and, ultimately, your self esteem. Get someone to look over your CV and help you "tweak" it so you have the best chance at getting interviews. Ask for feedback after interviews to try to improve your technique. (Don't see interviews as a success/fail situation; sometimes, despite everything we do, someone else just fits the bill better for the job.)And stop putting yourself down. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are. Forget this guy. Hold your head high, take a deep breath and move forward. Every morning, look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, "Every day, in every way, I am getting better." Then go out and work on that goal.
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A
male
reader, Grayscreetch  +, writes (18 January 2017):
This is a time where you have to think about you. You have given this man too much power over your life. You seem like a really nice girl and maybe a little too nice too accommodating of him and his needs when haven't once thought about your own. You got to be more positive. Find the silver lining of everything. Instead of thinking your a desperate loser because some guy dumped you think of it as a fresh start or a restart button to your life. This is your chance to be free try to things and experience new adventures. You have to be happy with yourself before you can expect someone else to be. When you learn to love yourself and not join a gym for a man to love you but for you to feel good about you. Love will find you and you won't have to chase it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): You have no responsibility to change his perception of you. It's you that you need to focus all your attention on.
Self-esteem does not come from other people. It is built within you. Based on self-love, accomplishment, common-sense, and being good to others. Happiness is something we pursue and find for ourselves, it is not given to us.
You are a person, a complex being comprised of talents, emotions, and attributes given to you by nature and genetics. How you view yourself is more important that how you are seen by others. You are with you 24/7! Before, in-between, and after relationships. So, he did you a wonderful favor by setting you free. Your journey begins. You will not find fulfillment simply by finding some man to pile all your emotions around. No one will ever take care of you better than you can take care of yourself.
Get some coaching for job-interviews. Employers are not only looking at your resume, qualifications, and education; they are also doing a personality-profile. Evaluating your confidence-level, sincerity, and level of ambition. If you sit before them flat and emotionless; you are showing them you really don't care. You're waiting for a husband to come and take care of you. That's an outdated and foolish mindset.
Is your weight the only thing you can see; or that you are self-aware of? No, you don't need a boyfriend. You need self-love, and to to see yourself in more than one dimension. Change should be for no one but you. The side-benefits will be finding someone for romance; but not needing them them for their approval and validation.
Go online and play all the videos you can find on how to conduct a proper job-interview. Get your resume prepared professionally; but avoid scams asking for big money and video packages. They're frauds!
Get yourself something simple, just to start bringing in an income. Even consider temporary job placement agencies for the sake of getting something on your resume. Continue going to the gym; because you want to, not because you're trying to find or keep a man.
Sweetheart, when you build your life on being in, or around, a relationship; you grow dependent and lazy. You lean on men; who will treat you mean and/or take advantage of you. You'll lose all self-respect and have zero self-esteem. You become invisible.
Begin writing a journal and set goals for yourself. Record your feelings and daily accomplishments. Even the failures and how they make you feel. Then reward yourself by doing something you really like at the end of each day. Brush your hair, polish your nails, and play soft soothing music.
Your boyfriend is now your ex-boyfriend. Deal with it, girlfriend! Let go and move-on. Better yet, grow-up!!!
You deserve self-reward for just living. Young people just don't seem to appreciate their youth, health, family, and smaller blessings; for spending a lot of time hating life for not making them wealthy supermodels...whom by the way kill themselves on drugs, starvation, a string of loser boyfriends, plastic surgery, and toxic narcissism. They aren't happy either; when you look behind the facade set-up by their publishers, photographers, and managers.
I repeat... do it for yourself. You'll feel your self-confidence rise. You have to be patient, because this is a project that takes time, perseverance, and commitment. Self-improvement is perpetual, life-long, and a daily responsibility. You'll be too busy to feel sorry for yourself. Setbacks, losses, disappointments, and challenges are necessary and a part of life. The victory is in survival, and coming out on the other side. Then passing on your wisdom to enlighten and help others. Rewards come in the form of blessings for helping others.
Compliment all your best attributes. Your curves, your silky shiny hair, your honey complexion, your dark intoxicating eyes, and supple chest. These attributes are just as alluring to men; as looking like two balloons tied to a stick, or an upside-down tuning fork.
I'm sorry sweetie, but millennials don't seem to know how to appreciate life and make the best of small blessings. They're spoiled self-pitying beings, who depend too much on technology, and the influences of social media. They worship money, the entertainment and beauty industries; and feed too much on hopelessness. Lets not get into selfies!
You have not hit 30, you have another 50-plus years of life ahead of you; and you shouldn't waste a minute of your time feeling sorry, because some far-off guy dumped you. He simply set you free to find yourself and to pursue your happiness.
So do it!
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