A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I recently broke up over some confusing circumstances. Background : We had been together just over a year, I am 28 he is almost 24. After first meeting we were together practically 24/7 and we were very happy. 7 Months into the relationship he moved in with me and everything was going very well. We lived next door to my parents in one of their units and my parents were very kind to tell him that if he didn't have money to pay, if we worked on a home business and he bought my groceries he could live here for free. This was my boyfriend's first real relationship although he had lived out of his parents house for about 6 months before we met. My boyfriend had a few health problems and one of them he felt that was too uncomfortable to be able to hold a steady job so he wanted to play poker professionally and he was obsessed with it. I was unable to work at the current time due to a back injury but I have been running some home businesses in the meantime to make money.We had always talked very openly about everything. We spent all our time together and we really enjoyed it. We had similar backgrounds and interests and we always enjoyed what we did together. My boyfriend was a private person so he preferred staying home instead of going out anyway so we were very happy with the situation. A few months into dating he did express he would like to sleep together but I told him no because of my injury and because of our situations (no jobs etc) that it would be better if we waited till marriage. He told me that he loved me so much and he didn't mind waiting. Other than that our relationship was very romantic and other than actual sex we had a very fulfilling relationship. We did have a large arguement last year as he surprised me and told me he grew up a jehovas'witness and he wasn't sure what he still believed of it. I had no idea of this. Eventually after much discussing he decided he did not believe anything to do with it and I should trust him. I tried to be accepting and non judgemental and put it behind us.Current Issue:The problem seemed to start around feb. He came back from a visit at home and was kind of in a bad mood I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was missing poker. We didn't have poker in the city I was living in so he was living off his savings from previous wins. I encouraged him to play online poker which then he started to do, although he spent so much time on it I asked him if we could spend a little time together and he agreed but then never went back to playing.Finally I asked him what his future plans were and he said he didn't have any. I said well what about plans for us (we were very happy together and he always said he would never leave me, etc) he just said well I don't have any plans for us either. I just go with the flow. I was heartbroken. I didn't expect marriage or anything but the way the relationship was going and we were doing so well together and always planning for the future I thought he would at least be interested in moving out and getting a house. Instead he told me that he might never want to get married or even have children. this was a shock to me. We broke up thinking we wanted different things. I called him back and we were both very upset and I figured maybe it was too early to get into all this so we decided to get back together and wait to see in the future. He kept saying he was unsure so I didn't think there was a point to throwing away everything over it. He told me all he wanted was his poker career and he was hoping for a girlfriend initially that could travel around with him while he builds his career - due to my health at the moment I was unable to do that and he knew this already for months.Still through all this we were happy together and we loved each other and he professed his love for me. Unfortunately my parents house did not sell as planned and he wanted to move closer to the poker. I told him I couldn't till I had some way of making money because there is no way I could support myself. He seemed upset that I didn't want to do that but I told him we could work on some home businesses in the main time. He found that to be a good idea and we started one. It took him months to even get part of it ready even though he never wanted to leave the house. I was always trying to help him with it yet he was always saying "I'll do it when I'm ready". I told him that if we never do it we will never get anywhere and he will keep spending his money. He was acting very immature about it. I finally asked my mom who lived next door to ask him when it was going to be finished and starting to run the business as my parents were getting dissapointed that he wasn't paying for anything and staying up all night and sleeping in every day till about Noon!!! He was furious that my mom asked him to work on our business and he wanted to leave that day. I told him that it wasn't a big deal and he was saying he never felt so uncomfortable or unwanted. Needless to say he got over it and we started our business at the end of april.Just after we started advertising in May his parents called and asked if he could come help them fix up their rental house. He said this was a good opportunity to make money so he could stay here with me. I was a little worried about him going because we had argued before but he professed his love for me and said it would only be about a week.I told him that he was probably happy to go and he said no in the end I agreed and he left. We talked by text message every day, all day. At first he was working early in the morning till late at night with a worker his dad hired. After about a week the friend left and he was supposed to finish the project on his own. Well one week turned into two and we had only talked by text so I finally called him to talk and ask when he was coming back. He kept saying he was coming back and everything was fine and he loved me. this then turned into 3 weeks. I started getting upset and saying maybe your parents didn't want you to come back (he spent many days doing other chores for them, as well as he started sleeping in again and working only 3 hours a day) He also took about 3 or 4 days off at a time and said I was pushing him away by asking him when he would come back. I did finally tell him that I don't think you even want to come back. He could not give me a time when he was coming back he would just say I don't know. But he insisted he wanted to come back and just be paitent. I did argue about this a bit more during the coming week as I told him I felt detatched from him and I couldn't understand why he never called me. I told him I didn't want to be lead on and he insisted he was coming back but didn't like talking to me because I was harassing him. Maybe I was a bit but he could never give a time when he would be back and half the time when he had free time he was not interested in talking. I found it hard to believe. I also told him during the month that when he came back he would have to pay a little bit (under $200) a month because he told me he was unable to buy groceries for me anymore and I said that my parents were unable to let him live rent free.Finally one day I told him it was over. I had done this before and we always worked it out, basically over anger or frustration. I called him back and he said he didn't like the feeling and he was trying his best but maybe we should because we fought so much lately. We did talk a bit more and he said no he did not want to end it and I didn't either and I said well just come for a visit to see me because I miss you badly. His mother I don't believe liked me much and she asked him to come home once before and was insistant we did not become common law. She took him to a doctors appointment the day that he was supposed to come visit me then he was going to drive afterwards. Instead she started taking him out for dinner making him stay around much longer. Finally he did arrive and I cried because it had been so hard to be apart. He was like don't cry everything is fine. we were happy. The day before he left to go back to work on the house again (he had extra work to do on the floors now) we had talked about him going to work on the house and that his parents needed to borrow money until it sold so they maxed out his credit card and borrowed about 3,000 in cash. He told me he only had $5300 until his parents paid him back but only $300 that he could spend on himself. He needed to save the rest for poker. Due to his health conditions and his recently developed one he needed to eat better food and to stay with me for the weekend he bought cold cuts and soda pop and decided to eat that the whole time so he could save his poker money. I asked him before we went out because he was having a few problems from eating that type of food if he could spend just a LITTLE bit of his poker money just so he could eat something better, I was worried about him. Well he blew a gasket at me. He was yelling saying he was not giving up his poker dream and I should be more supportive. I told him I don't mind him doing it but I have to tell him it is very hard to be successful. He started accusing me of not supporting him and that I had no idea what I was talking about. We went shopping and I said well why do you come back and he was like because I'm waiting to start a life with you. We argued more in the evening and he looked like he was mad with the relationship. He was very angry the rest of the evening and hardly wanted to talk to me. He told me he would never change and get up to an alarm clock. He wanted to live the poker lifestyle which was stress freeThe next day he was trying to tell me we were like friends because we didn't sleep together. I said well you know we had talked about it and I said that I would consider it before marriage but first we need to fix these problems.We went out to the park to talk and I felt like I was in a car with someone I didn;t know. There was an akward silence from him and he was acting really strange. I got the idea that he wanted to break up so when we got home He was basically packing to leave. When he got out the door he said he needed a break or something he said he just needed to go. I pulled him back and said lets talk about it what are you doing. He told me I had no idea what was going on at his house and that I was always trying to change him and that he liked to be cheap and I should like him for who he is. We talked about it and he apologized for the things he was saying and told me not to listen to him, that he has just been stressed out lately. That he loved me and we didn't have to break up over this etc and he looked at me like he really did love me so we were fine and he left to work on the house and we were kissing and really happy. I figured he was just stressed out.The next two days he was texting me but I felt he was acting sort of distant I just felt so upset I texted him and told him I had never been treated so badly and it was over. then I went to talk to him a little later as I usually would and he was like I'm so sorry I treated you that way, I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. And from then on he was impossible. He wanted to stay friends and I said that was not a good idea. We did keep talking the next little while and he would play with my mind being friendly talking about our problem then suddenly cutting me off and even refusing to see me. I waited a bit before contacting him again to cool down as he said he might just need some time to cool down and he was like... I miss you... so I said well do you miss the relationship and hes like well a bit but that's expected and didn't want to talk about it anymore. I left it for another week since I couldn't understand how he could just forget me how close we were, this was just so out of character.... so I wrote him an email telling him how sad I have been, and how life is not the same without him and all he said was that he was really sorry (he did tell me at one point he couldn't play poker in a relationship) he said that the stress and pressure finally got to him and he didn't want a relationship anymore and it would never work and it would be awkward and uncomfortable if we got back together. He said he was sorry and cherished our time together, and that we had been growing apart for months, and he was too immature for a relationship and that was it. I don't really understand what happened, I gave him many chances to leave at the end and he didn't want to. I wonder if now he knew he had to get a job and pay he didn't want to do this anymore. I wonder if it had something to do with poker or I wonder if I did it by pressuring him too much. I don't buy the fact that he said he was not ready for a relationship as I met him on a relationship site not a dating site and he told me he didn't need other women he was just looking for his one and only and that he hit the jackpot with me because I was everything he wanted. He was also very smart and said he would never do something unless he wanted to and he meant it!!!So what do you think went wrong. I am confused as when he did finally refuse to be with me it was so out of character just to refuse to be near me or see me or anything and just wanting to break up over text message/telephone...what happened????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 Trust me, when you get a man who wants to mooch off you and refuses to be responsible for his own living, it's ALWAYS a bad situation !, no matter how cute/ affectionate /funny he can be.
It may take some time but you'll get over him. Particularly if you focus on what you have correctly guessed : it's not because of you, it's because of him. He is the one who is immature (some guys can be still very teenagerish at 24 ) and has serious character flaws . You could have acted twice as kind,patient,loving,generous.... it was bound to end badly anyway.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the insite. I am trying to see it as a bad situation but I am still having a hard time with it. I can see that he was a very selfish person, and I don't really know if it had anything to do with his age, but more his character. Maybe I will try to think of him with pity as someone who really doesn't know what they are talking about. Either way I have not contacted him anymore and I am trying to forget even though it is so hard.
Everything you had to say did make me feel better though thank you alot!!!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 June 2011):
Darling I wish YOU would see that things were in fact very bad.
What, your parents kindly suggest he should finish the home business according to plans... and he nearly has a heart attack, throws a tantrum and feels offended and unloved ?....
Come on. I know it's sad for you, but to the eyes of any outside observer that's hilarious.It's a comedy scene.
You are in love so you don't see the ridiculous side of his behaviour and his expectations, maybe in time you'll regain some perspective and will be able to see him for what he is without your rose tinted glasses and accept that you are much better off without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. This is making more sense to me now. I think when I had my mom approach him about finishing our home business (even though she just suggested and didn't even tell him he had to) he got extremely upset, said he has never felt so uncomfortable or unwanted and told me he wanted to leave then and there. I did convince him to stay but less than a month later he was off to his parents house and I think the reason he said it would be awkward and uncomfortable was because he didn't want to be around my parents anymore. I still wish he would see that things aren't so bad but I don't think I will ever see him again
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 June 2011):
No, I don't think is that. I think it's much simpler, it's how yourself suspect and mention in your post.
When he realized he was expected to get a job, pay his way, and give up part of his free time and comfy habits- the deal was not so convenient any more, in fact it sucked. Better to cut loose, fast and final. No point in further meetings explanations and negotiations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All thank you for your insite. I can see that he was unfair about how he treated the situation
the part that is bugging me now was if he left me for another woman. The night we broke up I asked him to see me and he refused and said it would be too hard. I asked him again a few days later and he said that it would be uncomfortable to see me now. He told me now that after all this it would be awkward and uncomfortable to see me again. How could that be unless something happened?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2011):
A gambling Jehova's Witness ? now I 've heard them all.
What happened is that you made a very lucky escape and you got rid of a free loader who would have bleeded you dry ( you, and your parents ) while living with you like an house pet : no sex, no reliability, no marriage, no kids.
You basically had a cat, not a boyfriend : a little cuddling, a little affection when HE wants it, ...then he must be fre to roam around and to only think about himself and what best suits his lazy lifestyle. This level of brazen selfishness and entitlement works for cats- it's what makes them so intriguing. Much less with human beings , in general, and frankly, forgive me but , I am not as much surprised that you have been enabling him, as that your parents enabled you to enable him.
It does not sound to me that he really has a gambling addiction,more like an addiction to wishful thinking, not taking responsibility and not wanting to ever grow up. You got yourself a drifter.
I am sure he was looking for a relationship. in fact just for the kind of relationship you provided, at least initially. He got a fantastic deal- tons of love and affection, no committment, no plans, living rent free, sleeping all day, playing poker at his leasure, no responsibility other than buying groceries, no accounting for his career or money decisions. Any objection to that, he would sulk and you'd take him back. Just perfect.
Then, you started not nagging because you did not, just wanting something more , making some very normal and legitimate demands that are inevitable, in fact necessary, IF you want to be a couple.
But, he did not want to be part of a couple. He showed very clearly that he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, no questions asked.
I am not saying that he did not even like you and he coldly swindled you. He must have liked you, he must have felt some affection for you. But only until it did not require him any effort or any change .
I would try hard not to waste one more thought about all this sorry business, and to be much more discriminating about your future choices. You don't have to sell your soul- and dignity- in change of some companionship. You are worth more.
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A
female
reader, found89  +, writes (26 June 2011):
I think that this is a classic case of i thought wrong u loved him but he cared a little an that could never work together you were very much matured than he was an not only wasn't he committed but he didn't want responsibility Im not saying he didn't love u I'm just saying love is not easily broken you knew wat u wanted n he did wat he wanted I hope this makes you stronger wiser cause u deserve much better
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