A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear all i need your advice please 15 months have past since i found out about what my h/b had been up to in the 21 years of marriage(cheating,lying,)he has told me some details of the things he has done and i cant get over it.Things are ok for a week then we have a row and so many things are said and he gets very angry and he smashes the house up and he takes his anger out on me.He says he loves me but how can someone love a person and treat them with no respect(this is what i feel he has no respect as he would not have done these things to me or our marriage)am i kidding myself into thinking he can change or is he waiting till he thinks everything has settled and cheat again,He says he cheated b/c he got away with it, without going in to much detail everything he has done seems he has been punishing me and he says he would never leave me he was wrong to do what he did he is sorry and wont cheat or lie again(but he has lied)how can i belive him? What would your advice be? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 I'm with Emily. He will cheat and lie again. It'd almost a given. He did it before and got away with it - AND you were still there for him.
He cheated on you, but HE is taking it out on you? That is just wrong. It IS ok, not being able to forgive other people's transgressions towards fast. He's worked though all the emotions throughout the affair you just found out. You found out that you can not trust him, that he is a liar, that he has no respect for you etc.. It's not something any one can "just" get over in 5 minutes.
The way he treats you is that really love? Or is it just convenient for him to have you around?
He doesn't feel remorse, which in my book means he doesn't think what he did was that bad. Only reason he feels bad was that he got caught, yet that was part of HIS thrill.
I'd be out the door myself. If you stay and he doesn't want "help" and to work on HIS behavior you are enabling his violence towards you and his disrespect.
You deserve better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): he will lie and he will cheat agin? why bec it is now "soaked" in his being. he got away with it before, he loved it. he will not just do away with that lifestyle. he may quite for a month or two but once you get off his back he will be at it again. the moment you learn to trust again and your defences are down mr, serial cheater will be back in his old adultering ways.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (26 May 2009):
EXACTLY the same thing has happened to me. I found out about text cheating nearly 12 months ago when I was admittedly being very unloving during the menopause and they became close through some work related issues but then he got a secret pay as you go to carry on texting her. He swears blind that everything on that was work related or general chat and they had to keep in touch over urgent work issues and remained friends (he says he had to buy this phone because he'd agreed to show me his proper mobile bill each month). Although he's not violent (except for one night when he held me by the throat as he was so MAD) we have the same cycle of arguing as I can't get it out of my mind. It's OK for him to say we've got to move on but how does the aggrieved party do that??
I know he loves me to bits and always has but it's not enough to convince me. The thought of their emotional closeness is eating me up and it's getting worse rather than better as I feel physically sick and scared to broach it with him but just can't bottle it up.
Sorry I can't be any help except to say you're not alone and I know exactly what you're going through x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 May 2009):
I would leave.
If he had cheated etc and then was trying to make it work etc then maybe.
But the fact he's still lying and still treating you like crap and is VIOLENT....
Leave.
Get out into a place of your own and have a good think about how and where you could start again.
You have the whole world to pick from now so take some time away from him somewhere and imagine your life as a single woman doing what ever you want and not having the pain and arguments and fear of this man.
Good Luck!! xx
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