A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i last wrote for help around a month ago. I was so desperately sad for my husband and the situation that we were in as a family.My husband lost his mum around a year ago and was treating me very badly, so bad I would just cry for days and feel my heart was breaking.During the course of the year, he has been going out, not coming home turning off his phone and either coming home the next day as if nothing had happened or staying away for days at a time, nearly drinking himself to death and then coming back to his home to be rescued.I had various responses that helped me alot.Things have moved on alot since i asked for help and i never thought my situation could get any worse than it was, but it has immensely.My husband has been acting the same as i had previously wrote and i have been just hanging in there, picking him up as much as i can, spoiling him and making him feel loved even though he's still been treating me the same as he's been. I thought his depression was just affecting him really badly.Last Sunday we had a day to ourselves, i wanted us to do something but my husband said he wanted to spend some time with his father, which was fair enough. I prepared us a sunday lunch and 5 hours later when he still was making excuses not to come home, by saying he was now going to meet a mate for a birthday drink, i said id come to . He asked me to give him space and said he would be home soon. I felt upset but thought i wouldnt push it.To my surprise he called me 2 hours later and asked if i would get him from the pub, which i did. He happened not to be there when i did the 15 minute drive and i thought i made a mistake at which pub he was at and tried to call him but he wouldnt pick up. Eventually he did and told me to go home as he wasnt coming home.I was angry and started looking for him in nearby pubs and found him.He was with friends but sat by a lady, who didnt even look at me.He put his arm round her and said this was who he loved and that he was going to be with her. She brushed him off and said she wasnt going to be with him and left.I spoke to a him a while but he was too drunk to have a conversation so i decided to catch this woman up to see what was going on.She came out of the next pub she was in and said that she knew me from 10 years ago. I suspected then that my husband was having an affair and went looking for him and found him in a bar with this same woman. He denied at the time that there was anything going on and they were just friends. She was now telling me that they did in fact have an affair, lost touch and met up again 4/5 years ago.She said she didnt want my husband that it was me who he loved and she told me to tell him she never wanted to see him again.With that my husband came along, telling me he loved me and that he was sorry and i left as he was in no fit state.I was so devastated i thought then and the days since, that i am surely going to die of a broken heart.I spoke to my husband face to face for the first time last night, and said he wants to come home and start again, but i know this is not right. The trust is gone and i feel so so weak through him trying to humiliate me in front of all of his friends.My husband says he has been seeing the woman for 2 years but he couldnt compare it to what we have from our 25 years together.But it doesnt make any difference to me. I am at my wits end. I keep going over it and over it in my head, crying and crying.I just cant understand why if my husband loves me as much as he says he does why he has lied and deceived me for so long?Please can anyone give me any guidance on what i should do if anything at the moment. I want to be with my husband but do you think this has now gone too far and at the point of no return and id just be prolonging my agony?please help
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I would say you need more guidence than any of us can give you! You need to see a professional who is equipt to deal with all you are carrying on your shoulders.
I know you are hurting, and rightfully so! But ask yourself "what would you tell me if I was telling this story and you were giving the advice?"
Of course, it's easy for us to sit at our keyboards and say dump the jerk. I know it's not that easy. That's why you need to get professional help and work on yourself and decide what you need to do!
In the meantime, don't try to "fix" him or make it so easy for him to come home. You've always let him do whatever he pleases in the past. To him, that is as good as you condoning his behavior.
My heart goes out to you, and wish you luck!
~BG~
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 In my opinion, yes,this has now gone too far and at the point of no return, and I think the main problem here is not that he has lied to you and deceived you for years but that he is an alcoholic or fast on his way to become one . Unluckily your being so loyal ,loving and supporting him right now is only reinforcing his behaviour and enabling his addiction and you get stuck in a codependent relationship. Some times when you really love somebody the very best you can do for them is to step back and leave them alone to battle their demons.
Probably now you are in no mood for reading, I understand that, but when you feel you can get yourself "Women who love too much " by Robin Norwood, it explains a lot about codependent relationsgips.
GOOD LUCK.
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