A
male
 ,
*immy2
writes:I'm a 34 year old guy who up until recently and due to a severe lack of confidence, have had no sexual partners. Through internet dating, this recently changed and I met a lovely young woman who I was blissfully happy with but our relationship was not without problems. Firstly, and I never thought that this would happen when I finally came to experience proper sex, I could not ejaculate when we engaged in full-penetrative sex and she had to finish me off after I withdrew. This from start to finish would take about 2 hours. This had the effect of switching off all her intimate emotions and as I only saw her weekends due to the 80 mile distance between us it meant that we were only engaging in it once every 2 weeks.Secondly, we were both struggling financially, I would spend a lot of money which put me quite deeply into the red as was she. I am in a poorly paid job and she is on benefits due to poor health.Thirdly I'm a very easy going person and did not make any demands of her and she complained that she wanted me to be stronger and more dominant with her, yet also complained that she became resentful when pushed, leaving me with no idea of where to draw the line.I really grew to love her, we had plans for a happy future together,but over the last month sensed that our intamate relationship was dying a slow death. I tried speaking to her about this but she said I was paranoid.Then this week, a letter arrived from her finishing with me, but wants us to remain close friends. I feel really devastated and am finding it hard to get over her. Is there any chance we can ever get back and make good the things which went wrong?
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (1 May 2006):
 You started your relationship by email, she ended it by letter - it is a terrible reflection on the lonely, emotionless world that we live in, but also suggests communication isnt her strong suit. Don't blame yourself for the relationship break up - love is very much a two way street and you deserve someone who can be your equal, and not ask you to change by being dominant etc. It sounds like this lady was a bit mixed up about what she wanted, and I am sure the stress of debt didnt help. As for the sexual issues - lots of men have a few problems related to intimacy in new relationships. That shouldnt put you off future relationships with women as other women will be sympathetic. I think you need a break, and cannot really be friends with this woman when emotions are running high. You are still quite young, and there are lots of women out there in need of a nice man but you have to stop needing it, and let it happen naturally. However, you should perhaps take care with internet dating as this can be a horribly cold process of mate selection, and you are likely to meet some truely mixed up people who can hide behind their computers. That is not to say that you cannot meet a nice partner on the internet, but you might not be in the right emotional state to wade through the millions to find your perfect match at this moment in time. Give yourself some time to get over your recent relationship.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (30 April 2006):
 Without trying to be too severe, I think she has already made up her mind about your relationship and the letter finishing has been the worst part of everything for you as it seems an extremely cold way of doing things.
Perhaps though she thought that if you talked to her over the phone or face to face she may not have been able to do it.
Things happen for a reason and I think that due to the breaks in seeing her you wanted to meet all her needs and the sexual side of things can happen to anyone so don't beat yourself up about that.
The more sexual partners you have will resolve those issues I'm sure.
Perhaps the pressure of lack of money as well has not helped the relationship either. That is no-one's fault just a fact of life.
I think that the mixed messages she was sending out about you become more dominant and then not wanting you to be must have been extremely hard for you.
Don't rush yourself now just take stock of everything and I know you loved her but I think we all have special feelings for the first person we are ever intimate with so perhaps you don't want to see this all end.
I would say though that I am sure that there is another girl out there for you who is so much more suited to you and you to her. A more understanding and loving girl/woman who you have an equal relationship with and perhaps next time restrict your search to a closer vicinity so that you don't end up having to travel so far.
This new person could be just around the corner you know.
I know you want to try to save this relationship but I think you had too many things going against it so you could be looking at a lot of pain emotionally to try and get her to change her mind.
Back right off and start to get yourself busy with friends and family and if this relationship is meant to be then she would contact you again, but I have a strong feeling that this will not be the case.
All depends on if remaining friends is really something that she wants or if she is saying that to make it easier for you.
You have the world at your feet and just because this was your first sexual relationship it doesn't mean that there is not another one that will come along soon.
You are only 34 and not 60 or something so just continue to enjoy life right now.
I am sure that many other Aunts will answer you as well so take every bit of advice that you feel will be useful.
Keep talking to all of us though as you are not on your own and we are here to help as much as we can.
BFN
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