A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 26 years and I love my husband dearly, but he developed some sort of social anxiety over the years which just has got worse and worse. When we first met we had lots of friends and socialised, partied a lot, and I mean we knew each other years before we married so I thought we were really well suited.The upshot of all this is that if we are invited out to anything at all, be it a meal or the pub for a drink it is a flat no from him - he won't consider it. All our friends have now stopped asking - he just says to me that he doesn't want to see them, he's happy with my company. We live in the country so are quite isolated too. He is happy to socialise with strangers if we go on holiday but even then if they want to keep in touch after the holiday he seems to go into a panic. Any of my friends here, if they invite us out as a couple I know I will have to go alone. If I try and broach the subject he gets really defensive but the times I have insisted we go (and thats not many, maybe weddings or something) he has just drunk a lot to prove his point that he's uncomfortable, it's just not worth it.Even his cousin asked us out a few weeks ago (guess what we had lost touch....) and my husband was like a rabbit trapped in headlights, even bringing up reasons why I didn't want to go which was ridiculous.My family live over 250 miles away, he won't visit them but I go on my own, he also doesen't like them staying with me so it's like pulling teeth every time I bring up the subject of maybe going together for a visit. I know he won't change, but is there any chance of some compromise do you think?I am feeling very lonely as it's embarassing to keep being asked out and having to make excuses all the time.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 The thing is he can change, he is just in denial here. He doesnt want to behave like this, but he is not accepting that there is a problem because he will no then that he will need to face it head on and deal with it. Your husband has obviously developed a phobia, and if you dont try and raise the subject now it may only get worse, were it comes to a stage were he doesnt want to step foot outside of the house.
It sounds like your husband is suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. Just remember that this is not his fault and he cant control it so dont put the blame on to him as it will only further put him in to denial, try and support him and make him realise that he needs help.
This is probably not good on your husbands health either because it is probably causing him a lot of stress and anxiety. Therapy and medication is available for this condition but you have to make your husband see that he needs to go and see the doctor. Sit down with him and explain to him that you cant live your life like this anymore and neither can he, tell him you remember the fun bubbly person that he used to be and that you want him back and that he is still there he just needs help on bringing his personality back out. Try and make him see that it is nothing to be ashamed of and that nobody is judging him.
There are a few lifestyle changes he can also make himself to help over come this phobia. They wont cure him only his doctor can diagnose him and get him the correct help but here are some points that he should take note of.
* Make sure that he tries to avoid anything with caffeine in it. Things like coffee, tea, soda and chocolate can all increase anxiety symptoms.
* Many people with this disorder tend to drink before they have to go to a social gathering to calm there nerves, but in fact this can make it worse, as drink can lead to having an anxiety (panick) attack. So its best to only have a few social drinks.
* If he smokes maybe he should also try and quit as nicotine is a powerful stimulate and highers anxiety were as many people think it lowers it, they are wrong.
* Ensure that he tries and gets his 8 hours sleep a night and that he is in a routine sleep pattern.
Best of luck and i hope that he goes to the doctor and gets the help that he needs!!
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