A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i was hoping someone could help me. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 and a half years and have been long distance since we met. we’re both 25. he graduated college last year and finally got a job and moved away from home (something he’d wanted to do) for the job. it took 7 months for him to get a job, he was under a lot of stress with his family life at home, his school loans were coming due with no way to pay for them, and then me. we have talked about getting married almost since we met. i have a tendency to get a little excited over the subject, but i thought that’s what he wanted too. or at least that’s what he led me to believe. last fall he went through a time where he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. he was pressured by everything and he began to question whether he really loved me anymore. i would drive the five hours to see him and i would barely get a hug and a kiss after not seeing him for 2 weeks. he acted cold, annoyed, and distant for weeks. he finally told me late one night that he wanted a “break”. it broke my heart. i didn’t understand this…how could people in a long distance relationship that only see each other every two weeks go on a break? in the end i looked at my actions and how they may have made him feel. some of it was me, but it was him too. i was needy, dependent, wanted him to call me at certain times during the day. i realized this made him resent me so i learned to leave him alone. i did. i gave him space, and this so called break he wanted to go on never happened. i was so happy he had come to his senses and things were really better than ever after that. after that incident i was completely devastated and i told him to never ever do that to me again because i couldn’t take it. i never brought up the subject of marriage again until he did. soon he was acting excited about it, telling me he couldn’t wait to marry me. we started talking rings, even meeting with some people for venues and things. i thought that’s what he wanted…because HE brought it up again. not me.fast forward to last night. his move of 3 hours from home is also now 2 hours closer to me. this is the first time he has lived away from home on his own and i am afraid he has gotten a little too used to it. now is the time for me to move down. we have talked about it in depth, he always talked about it and wanted me to move down. i didn’t because of a full time job i had here (but was looking in his area for months). when i lost this job, i could finally move. suddenly he starts acting a little distant again, but not nearly the way he was before. he still acted as if he loved me, was affectionate, wanted to sleep together, and acted like he enjoyed my company and wanted me to be there. but something wasn’t right, and he did not seem excited anymore about me moving in…and wouldn’t give me a straight answer as to when he saw me moved in for good. he knew i knew something was up and finally last night he says, “i think we need time apart. i need to be on my own.” when i asked him what the hell was the difference between how he was feeling last fall and now and he says, “the difference is i KNOW i love you and i can see myself with you in the future. i just want to be sure before we take this big step.” i don’t understand…because if you love someone, you don’t want to be away from them. i told him it bothers me to no end that he doesn’t seem to care that he could risk losing me this time, i told him i may not be there if he decides he wants to be with me. he considers us “in a relationship but on a break.” he says this has NOTHING to do with seeing other people…it’s either i am the girl for him or he is meant to be alone. he is not interested in any other women. and he shouldn’t be…we’re perfect together. i told him i am willing to give him his space and go on this so called “break” but if it happens again, it’s over. i told him i don’t know how i will be able to trust him after he has done this to me again…how do i know he will not do this to me again in 6 months time? that he will decide after this “break” that he misses me and loves me and wants to be with me…but 6 months later feels he needs time apart to miss me again? i told him it is going to take everything he has to gain my trust back, and that i don’t know if he ever will.i imagine some of this is my fault because i got excited about wedding stuff again, but he acted excited too...but i saw what happened last time when we talked about getting married. we have been through so much together that i can't just throw all this away...but part of me feels that if he really loves me he wouldn't do this. he says it is his gut feeling that "we will be together."i feel he really does truly love me, but he's just confused. in the past i think he's always thought i would be there, that he would never lose me and i would never leave. this time i need to make him think. he needs to know what it feels like to really miss me and that i am not something he can just fall back on if he gets lonely, because as much as it pains me, i have the power to say goodbye.he is the love of my life and i would do anything for him. the fact that he drops this on me again when i thought he would just want me to wait to move in is devastating me and i feel worse than i did last fall. he says we need to do this for me, too. i know he's right but i am so hurt and distraught right now that i can't do anything for myself. if he does realize he wants me...he's going to have to work for me. because my heart is not a yoyo.does anyone have any insight? i am sorry this is so long.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Two and a half years is a really long time, and its difficult to lose someone after so long, but the fact is, whats two and a half years if what you are looking at here is a lifetime. Someone who loves you ought to realize the value you hold in his life. If you are precious for him , then there is no way he can let you go off, but is that so ? Someone who loves you wouldnt want to be away from you no matter what, infact he would want to be with you no matter what happens.It must not be that your boyfriend is seeing someone else, or is thinking of, but at the same time, he isnt completely sure about what you mean to him.If he wants a break so that he is sure of what he is going, how can you be assured that we wont do it again after you both are married, maybe he wont be sure of you both at that point too.At the end of the day, you need to be with someone who loves you no matter what the circumstances are, if he goes on one of his 'breaks' sometime later into your relationship, its going to be devastating for you at that point .My advice to you would be, try and live your life the way you want to, I know you love him, but make him realize that you need the love back. You need the assurance that you are 'The One' for him, and not some just another girl a guy is not sure about. Dont let him play around with your emotions, if he lays down his rule, you have a right to lay down your rules too, and stick to them ..If he cant keep you happy, then you have to do it yourself
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