A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm looking for some advice about my partner. I've been with my partner for 4 years now and we don't live together but do see each other 3 times a week, either he stays at mine or i stay at his. The problem is that I have always known he looks at porn, which I didn't think was such a big deal as such. However he recently said that the porn he likes is 'violent' but he says 'I don't watch the films or look at the pictures I just read the stories'. I was upset when he said this - we were joking about porn and it just sort of slipped out .. then he said I was overreacting and he said to me 'you are acting like i'm some sort of paedophile'. The other thing is that he told me he once had a brief affair with a woman who was the victim of domestic violence and she had contacted the police - my partner is a police officer! I was a bit shocked that he had slept with a woman whom he had met through her reporting domestic violence but this was over ten years ago he says. These two pieces of information shocked and upset me, about the violent porn and this woman. re the porn am I overreacting and about the woman, I feel as though I have lost respect for him (he has been loving and generous to me but can also be verbally abusive at times and his ex wife divorced him and said that he had undermined her in many ways and I know this because I saw the divorce petition but he denied that and said her lawyers were just telling her to write that stuff). Am I overracting about this stuff? I would really value any advice that anyone has to offer. Thanks.
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, porn, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 December 2009):
 I think when it comes to sexual preferences it is pretty vital that both partners are on the same page. If "violent" porn is his "thing" I would rethink a future with him. As I am not quite sure what type of porn he is talking about ( there are the violent rape/gang rape - there are the snuff porn, smut porn and I'm sure much more and more horrible stuff out there.
As for him having an affair with a victim of domestic abuse, maybe it was partly a he felt sorry - wanted to show her not all men a scum thing, maybe it was him taking advantage. Hard to tell. He did it one time and never again, that kinda show he knows it was wrong.
for me it would be a big no-no with violent porn. I just couldn't be with a man who is turned on by this. Specially since a lot of people sooner or later want to try out some of their dirty fantasies.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): Most men do look at porn to some degree, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, nor does it mean that there is anything lacking in your relationship and it doesn't mean you aren't enough for him, men are more visually turned on than woman.
I do worry though that he had an 'fling' with a vulnerable woman and I have concerns that he can be verbally abusive on occassions, many instances of domestic violence start out this way (don't forget that 2 women in the UK alone die as a direct result of domestic violence each and every week.
If he watches 'violent' porn this may not necessarily indicate a violent nature in itself, it may be a release due to the nature of his work, BUT, coupled with the verbal tendencies if I were you I would be concerned. I notice that you don't yet live together and I would certainy avoid doing so for a while until I was certain of his true nature. You need to talk to him honestly about all these issues. Just be careful
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): i have to agree with the first poster ... sitting down and deciding whether or not you want to continue this relationship would be a very wise decision. Im not saying run away.. but it does seem as though this man has some things he needs to work out.. and may not even realise it. Most of the time we are not aware of our own behavior towards our partners. If you choose to stay, it will take a lot of work and dedication on your part and his.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): Whats up with him having an affair with a woman he met through work, I can't say much. Other than, well, it's not good for him to mix private life with professonality, as it can severely damage his job. But it is in the past, and he hasn't done that again. We all make mistakes and live and learn.
However I do not see the porn as related to this incidence whatsoever. Him watching porn, and having this affair with a woman 10 years ago... Why exactly do you think they are related? Is it more the shock that you found out the two things at the same time? Do not treat them as one. They are two separate issues.
Now to the porn. It's no big deal. You are over-reacting. Probably because you are not stimulated by this type of porn, so you do not understand it. I'm into violent porn myself, and lots of other freakish porn. It's never something I'd like to try in real life! It's just for fantazy and whatnot. If it works for him, let it be. As the saying goes: whatever floats your boat. As long as he keeps it in his head and doesn't act out on things that are illegal, I don't see why you should care so much.
As for what his ex-wife thinks... I bet you have many ex-boyfriend who wont exactly praise you when they are forced to commet on the relationship you had with them. Take him for what he is, and not for what his ex's say.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 December 2009):
Well to havae a brief affair with a woman who was a victim of domestic violence was actually very cruel. He probably used her and she fell for it. The violent porn thing is probably something that has happened because of the stress of his job. All this does suggest, however, that he may have underlying issues, and the fact that he can be verbally abusive at times, along with the fact the divorce petition suggests he was controlling, shows your boyfriend does have some issues. I think you need to take controll of this situation and make clear you will not be bullied. And I also think you need to sit down and be sure this is the man you want to be with.
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