A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated for 4 months because he was having an affair with a 17 yr old girl. (he's 28) While who he sleeps with is no longer relevant to me, I have to maintain a civil relationship with him because I am pregnant with our first child. I have already been with someone else and he is separated as well. Is this considered cheating? While the new guy and I don't necessarily talk about the status of what our relationship (or whatever we have) may be, I have told him that I no longer want to be with my husband and we remain legally married for financial reasons until the baby is born. He seems to be undecided about what to do with his marriage because he has 3 children with his wife and has been married to her for 10 years. (I have only been with my husband for 4 years.) New guy and his wife have been separated for more than 6 months already and she has been seeing other people for more than a year. I don't think I am cheating on my husband, but am I technically cheating with new guy because he is undecided what to do about his marriage? Neither one of our spouses knows that we have been with someone else and we don't intend on telling them, even though his wife and my husband are seeing other people. Both men are in the military and what's done is done. We don't need any more drama than there already is. Recently, my husband has been exhibiting behavior that tells me he might want to reconcile because of the baby, but I am done with him and have been preparing for life as a single parent. (I decided to assume he is simply being civil so that we can co-parent effectively as ex-spouses...I don't even want to think about getting back together with him) I am just curious to see what people's opinions are...I am planning on being legally separated to retain some benefits until the birth of the baby for legal reasons such as custody and benefits. I am not thinking of anything long-term with new guy although he is nice and I like him enough to consider maybe pursuing something if I'm not done with him before he decides what to do with his situation. Does anyone consider what we are doing cheating or not? I am very curious. There are so many legal and moral implications to a situation like this, I believe everyone's feedback would be interesting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded. Appreciate the input. As for everyone who suggested to give it a second chance. If your significant other had done the same to you, and you had found blatant evidence of the affair, and they still choose to lie to you and expect you to take them back, would you? Would you make yourself miserable to stay in the marriage for your children? A reponsible parent would do the best thing for their children. Sometimes staying together is worse. I know if my parents had stayed together I probably would have ended up a ward of the state or in foster care. But that's a story for another time. You can find someone new for yourself. You can't undo the damage your children will experience, witness and learn from in an unhappy dysfunctional family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): Im sorry if this sounds a little harsh. 2 people fresh out of marriges ( almost out ) Breaking all the vows...New vows in the future maybe and kids all around with different sets of parents. Try this...get rid of the new guy. Tell your husband you will try again if he goes to counseling with you. Ask him this several times. How good could things be if you both had your heads screwed on straight. At least try Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlthough I never verbally acknowledged the terms, my ex had indicated in the beginning of the separation that we would eventually file for divorce and he didn't care if I dated or saw someone else. He was the one who began having an affair, and I confronted him about it (after doing extensive research and presenting him evidence) he denied it and said he was no longer in love with me. He decided to move out, despite the fact that we had just found out about the pregnancy. I had tried for 2 months to convince him to work it out, but he said he was done. I grieved over my loss and accepted it.
Whatever his reasons are for not filing for divorce immediately are unknown to me, he seems to want to delay the process as long as possible. What you said (quiet-echo) seems to hit the head right on the nail, about everyone keeping their options open. From what he told me, I believe and know we are over, but that's not to say I never foresaw him trying to change his mind. In fact I suspected that he would probably get sick of his little 17 year old girlfriend very quickly and it has probably already happened.
I know my ex well enough that even though he said he didn't care, it would make him extremely upset to know that there has been someone else. There is a double standard for him and me. He can fuck everyone else he wants but no one can ever have me. New guy has the same situation with his ex...wherein she supposedly said she didn't care if he saw someone new, but I suspect if she knew he had been seeing someone else, she would be just as livid as my ex would be.
Which is why I wonder whether it is considered cheating or not, since my ex and new guy's ex were the ones who started cheating, then stated their lack of concern should a new person be involved. So they aren't cheating on us, according to their logic, but because they're playing the field and might want to get back together eventually, then we aren't allowed to see other people. Sounds hypocritical to me.
I am keeping my options open, because I made it clear to my ex in no uncertain terms that I had accepted that it was over. He may have and has a right to change his mind, and I have a right to stick to my decision. He initially said it was over, he didn't want to work it out, I swallowed my heartbreak and accepted the fact that I would be a single mother. The military has obligated him to provide for his underemployed wife and unborn child, and he dutifully provides which I am grateful for. I want that support so I can save for this baby's future and get myself ready to find a better job.
Although he no longer has the right to inquire about my personal life not pertaining to the baby, I choose not to retaliate and taunt and mock him by saying there has been someone else. He said it was over, he doesn't care whether I see anyone else. If he changed his mind and wants to get back together, then he shouldn't have cheated. How he really and truly feels about it is his problem, not mine. I believe I can be a better parent on my own than be miserable with him trying to raise a child and modeling an extremely dysfunctional relationship. I'll do what I have to do in order for him to fork out that child support and medical benefits.
As for the new guy, I like him very much but am cautious about getting serious about him, mainly because of his indecision about what to do with his ex, alimony, division of property, custody, child support, and etc. His ex is also a severe alcoholic and just recently got out of jail for a DUI. It just seems like he's got even way more baggage than I do. We were friends before everything happened with our spouses, we have stopped seeing each other now, and instead we talk and text each other about how we are doing. I have no idea what happens next. I've let go of him as a lover, but still care about him as a friend (although it's slightly different now).
So it seems like the answer still is: with the 4 people involved, the issue of having a relationship and considering it cheating while separated is a matter of double standards and hypocrisy. If my ex knew I had been with someone else, he would consider it cheating since we are only physically separated. He may have stated that he didn't care if I started dating someone else, but I know if I tell him the truth he will flip out. It's a double standard.
Thanks for the responses! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): ".........what's done is done. We don't need any more drama than there already is."
here is your answer.
your new lover is undecided about his marriage. does it mean that he wants to reconcile with his wife. if he does since you do not forsee a long term relationship with your lover, maybe you should release him now.
what is sickening with the 4 adults concerned is that now yet another innocent child will be born to someone who is not morally sound. you 4 adults, cheating all around, are NOT role models for your kids. what will become of the 4 kids combined.
and i am sure all concerned will blame the poor economic climate for the mess you have all created.
what drama indeed!
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