A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 2 years, and we've been best friends for 3 or 4 years prior to that. We get along great for the most part, and it's really hard to picture what my life would be like without him since we know each other so well. However, I've recently been having a lot of thoughts about breaking up with him. I believe he has a lot of anger issues; he's NEVER ever acted upon me with anger, but he gets so mad at the smallest of things. He's also somewhat lazy, lacks a lot of manners and respect for people in public, and is very stubborn. Despite all of this, he is a hard worker, pretty tidy for a guy, and he's respectful to my family. My biggest issue is that he doesn't really treat me like a girlfriend, but more like a friend with occasional sex. I don't need constant reaffirmation of how he feels for me, but simple things like holding my hand, telling me how beautiful I am or expressing how he feels for me are extremely rare. This has been a consistent issue throughout our relationship. Every time I try to talk to him about these "little things," things will improve for a day or two before going back to the way things were. I can't help but wonder if I'm just being way too picky or if I could really do better. Here's the tricky part: I've recently developed feelings for another guy. He is 8 years older than me and was the TA for a class I took last semester. He's extremely nice, polite, well-spoken, outgoing, funny, intelligent, and filled with all sorts of interesting life experiences. I instantly felt some sort of intense attraction to him from the very beginning of that class, and I couldn't help but feel that he did too. We gradually began to get to know each other more and more as the class went on, and did so on a very "teacher-student appropriate" level. Because that class was the last class of the day for both of our schedules, we started to walk out to our cars with each other on occasion and talk about school. As the end of the semester came closer, I realized that there was a huge chance that I would never see him again. On the very last day of class, I waited for him so that we could walk out together. It was bitterly cold and windy and I was not wearing a very heavy jacket. Once we reached the usual spot where we part ways, he expressed that he's typically very strict about students and teachers hanging out together, but now that it's over he'd like to hang out. We exchanged numbers and I was bold enough to ask him if he wanted to walk back to a coffee shop on campus with me to sit and talk. We did, and I had a really nice time. We seem to have a lot in common, and words can't express how refreshing it was to sit down and interact with someone like that. Less than a week later, he found my profile on Facebook and added me. I accepted his request and couldn't resist the temptation of going through his profile and finding out a little more about his past, as I'm sure he did with me. I have to admit that after looking through some of his past photos, I'm slightly intimidated by how beautiful his ex-girlfriend is. I immediately began to wonder if I was in over my head, and if he really wanted to pursue me as more than a friend. This, in tandem with the growing void in my current relationship, has given me a lot to think about. Of course, I plan on keeping things strictly platonic with the new guy for now, as I want to respect my boyfriend. I really have no reason to end the convenience of my current relationship, but I also don't see a reason to stay. I can't help but wonder if my new crush is just an "older guy" fantasy that I've been temporarily distracted by. So far we haven't had any conversations about boyfriends/girlfriends, and neither one of us have made a move that was blatantly beyond "friend-zone," but I can't help but feel that there's a deeper connection there. Is there a way to platonically get to know my crush more, or does he already assume that I'm interested in more than that? Also, what should I do about the current situation with my boyfriend? Any and all help would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, I just wanted to provide an update. I ended up breaking things off with my boyfriend not long after my post. Things were sliding downhill so fast that it had to be done. He handled it very well though.
Since then, I've hung out with the new guy twice. I really enjoyed myself and we're in the process of getting to know each other. He's a really sweet guy, so it's a refreshing change. The new guy is from out of town, so he went back to his hometown to visit his family for a while and won't be back until late next month when the spring semester starts. We've been sending messages to each other and taking it slow. This has given me time to assess my decision and live for me. I'm really excited for what the future has in store, and I'm thankful to all of you for giving me such great advice!
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 December 2013):
 i'm a die-hard commitment person. so for me, my suggestion would be to completely cut this new guy off before it gets out of hand. remove him from facebook, delete his number and let it go. put all of your focus into your relationship to make it right rather than wander off and potentially do something you regret.
it's unrealistic to expect to never run across a person you feel attraction to while in a committed relationship. it's what you choose to do with that attraction that displays you character. this is the first, but certainly not the last time you will be put in a situation like this in your life. do what's right. stop it before it starts.
now, on the other hand, if you truly believe your relationship is over, then do the right thing and end it. then take some time to get over it, and then see if you still want to see this new guy. but take time and do it right.
right now, what you're doing, is not the right thing.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 December 2013):
 You've given us all we need to know to give you a complete answer. To wit:
"..he doesn't really treat me like a girlfriend, but more like a friend with occasional sex..."
THIS (the above quote) makes it perfectly clear that, to him, you are a regular sex partner... and nothing more...
The rest of your submittal seems to be you, talking to yourself, trying to justify why you and he have - in fact - a "FWB" "relationship"..... whilest you crave, and sincerely wish to believe, that you are "in a relationship."
Take some time to sit down with him, and determine just if and when the "relationship" can be converted from what it IS, to what YOU WOULD LIKE IT TO BE.
(Note, he probably doesn't want to change things... so this could be the "beginning of the end" of this "relationship" that you believe that you (and he) are having...)
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): I was in exactly the same situation as you this very te last year. Unhappy in my long term relationship and very, very attracted to another guy, who was also older than me.
We started out going for coffee, but then that's where the attraction grows and you say you've got his number, so it'll be too easy to start up private texting each other I'm sure and things get totally out of hand. I lacked self control and let things happen.
If you are attracted to another guy outside of your relationship where things aren't going too well, it will make the other guy seem even more attractive and your relationship will suffer if you start putting energy outside of it and into another guy. You will build him up as some sort of fantasy and it gets addictive. Your relationship will go downhill and so you will feel like seeing this other guy more and more to fill your unhappiness, and while its great at the time, it's not so great long term.
Also, if you end up liking this new guy a lot and would like a relationship with him in the future he will more than likely be not interested in anything serious if you continue seeing him while you have a boyfriend.
I would listen to your instincts, pay attention. You could always try a couple of weeks apart from both guys and see how you feel after.
You say you wouldn't let things go too far with this new guy, I said the exact same, but ts just so easy to let things happen and get carried away in the moment.
I would stay away from the new guy if you want to work things out with your boyfriend, if not then thats a different story, but my advice is do not go behind anyone's back. Good luck.
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