A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on what I should do with my dating situation. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 1/2 years, He is 40 years old now and i am 26, he was married before and has two boys one's 18 years old and the other 16. I tell my boyfriend that i want to get married, i have been telling him for the past 4 years or to get engaged that it is time, he says he's not ready. I don't wanna end up dating him for more time and this relationship not going anywhere. He's a great boyfriend and i know he loves me, but I wonder if he will ever propose or if he will wanna have more kids with me since he seems to criticize babies or pregnant women that we see in my presence, yet he was once in this position and seems to love his kids to death.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): I know someone who was in the same situation as you, but in her case she "only" wasted 4 years of her life with a guy who was divorced and already had 2 kids therefore did not want to marry again or have any more children, since she wanted all those things and to be told everyday she was loved ( he never once said it) she left him and is much happier nowadays. SO I agree with other people, in 7.5 years he had enough time to get to know you and see if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, so you have to be brutally honest with him, and ask if he wants to marry you and have kids and all that because that is in your plans, if he doesn't want it it's best for you to walk way now.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2013):
 To the anti-marriage anonymous female poster...
IF it was JUST marriage that was the issue I would consider your advise as wise. SADLY I believe that the OP also would like her own biological CHILDREN and I fear that the issue with this guy is not only NO MARRIAGE but I'm sensing he wants no more children and that's the issue.
IN addition, call me old school all you want I think that children should only be brought forth (planned) within the confines of a legal marriage.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2013):
 He sounds like a dead end if it is marriage you want.. At his age, and after 7 years.. You kinda do know. I think you need to propose to him to finally get an answer. Are you prepared to leave if the answer is no?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2013): To the last poster. True. One marriage ending should not put somebody off from marrying again. And many people go on to remarry... once.... twice... three times etc. But it does not always work that way.Some people will never remarry out of fear that a subsequent marriage will not work out and they do not want to go through that experience again. It is emotionally draining on every level. And especially because the paperwork of being married is legally binding and to have to extricate yourself from a legally binding contract is very expensive... paying lawyers, maybe disagreeing on many issues, perhaps a wife attempting to take a husband to the "cleaners" with child and spousal support, an ex wife who has become your enemy, arguing back and forth between lawyers, dividing assets and child custody issues can be very daunting... There are so many intricacies that are involved that are very stressful and difficult. You don't just walk away. It is a legal mess. It is an example of once bitten, twice shy...Whereas if you do not get married you do not have to face all those complicated and very difficult legalities when you are divorcing. Not easy at all. Some people would rather avoid the possibility of having to go through all that again. Can't say that I blame them. You can enjoy your relationship without all those potential complications. In fact, being married, in my opinion, only takes away from the fun factor and the newness and the excitement. It all becomes ho hum, la di da... blah blah blah.... In time, your husband becomes your roommate. Life gets in the way of romance. To those that can keep the magic alive and some do, that is great. You are in the minority.Marriage is just a piece of paper in terms of commitment value but not a piece of paper when it comes to legal separation and divorce.We all have our reasons for doing things and our reasons are justified in our own minds.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): It is easy for everybody to say leave the guy.They are not living in your relationship.Only you know how he treats you and only you know if he truly loves you.If he does and you love him... why can you not continue the way it is?Why all the pressure to get married? Seriously, marriage is just a piece of paper. You can do all the things married couples do without that piece of paper.He has been there, done that. It is not easy going through the break up of a marriage. I did. Mine last 17 years and my ex husband was the first and only guy I ever dated. I was about your age when I married him. I am now 46 and I have two sons. I do not want to get married again. It is a very difficult experience to go through when a marriage ends and it does create a lasting impact on a person. If you have been through it, you would perhaps realize how your boyfriend is thinking. It is not about you. It is not because he does not love you or want to be with you long term. It is because he does not feel a need to get married again. He may also be afraid that it will not work out a second time. There may be many issues he is concerned about and none of them to do with you. I am curious what are his reasons? You need to sit down and have a serious discussion about why he is against marriage? Maybe it will help you to understand where he is coming from better and maybe you can both reach a compromise or find some middle ground instead of taking the drastic measure of walking away?If a couple gets along, has great sex and is "boyfriend/girlfriend" what more can you ask for? You do not need a ring to signify a commitment. A guy can be committed to you without it. Think about how many married men who gave their wives a ring are unfaithful. You can never say.You are a lot younger than he is and maybe you are both at different stages in your lives. So you decide what is most important to you. Have you discussed having children together? He may not want any more. You may want children. So right there this could be a deal breaker more than the marriage issue.I believe relationships can work if both people compromise and can meet halfway. But if they are on two different pages with different needs and expectations, maybe the gap is too wide. Depends on what is most important to you and if you can compromise on it or not... Can you live without having children if this man is not ready or does not want any more? Can you stay with him without being married and not feel resentful of him? Resentment does eat away at a relationship because you will blame him for your unhappiness. Maybe feel like you were wasting precious years with him when you could have moved on to find someone who does match your needs?You need to think about what is MOST important to you. What can you live with and be happy with?If you really want marriage/children and he choses not to follow that path with you, then chose to walk away. Or if you really love him and feel you have a strong relationship and he makes you happy and you could not imagine life without him, then maybe you will choose to stay despite all else.You do have some serious thinking to do. But not before you have a serious discussion with him and get everything out on the table once and for all. If a man truly loves a woman, I believe he will want to make her happy. And sometimes place his own fears aside to do that because he does not want to lose her. See how happy he is willing to make you.Or maybe take a break from him... tell him you have some thinking to do and then do not contact him. See if he comes to you... But realize even if he does, he may say what you want to hear just to keep you around....Hope it all works out for you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 December 2013):
 ".. he says he's not ready..."
Do you actually BELIEVE him when he says that? And, moreover, do YOU believe that there will EVER be a time when he is "ready????"
After 7-1/2 years hanging together, you know all you need to know about this guy. In the event that you need a re-cap, it is this: HE has a hot, young girlfriend (you!)who doesn't feel strong enough to press him to actually become a REAL "boyfriend" (or, more to your liking, a "husband")... and yet he STILL gets s*x from you... so HE has everything he wants and needs..... YOU, have NOTHING... no REAL boyfriend/husband... but DO have a s*x partner who is paying you lip-service about why he isn't walking you down the aisle.... AND, YOU are accepting him, despite that he is stringing you along... and can, predictably... be expected to continue stringing you along until/unless YOU wake up and say: "You know, hunchy-bunchy, I really thought that I was going to have a husband, when I kept dating you... but, now, I know that you are not husband material.... so, if you don't mind, I'm going out for a quart of milk.... but don't be surprised if I NEVER return....."
That should set matters straight for you.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2013):
I"m sorry to say this but after 7.5 years he's as committed as he's going to be. Especially because for more than half of it you have already been telling him what you want and need and yet you stick around.
I can tell you at 46 I would not have wanted to start over making babies with my kids being grown or nearly grown at that point... maybe it's different for men.
The ONLY way to force his hand if you want to do that (and it may not work but it's going to have to be done one way or the other if you want marriage and children) is to LEAVE HIM totally. Go NO CONTACT...no calls, no texts, no emails NO CONTACT, no facebook, no twitter, no sex... NOTHING.... cut him off 100% and tell him point blank why.
It's not that you don't love him, it's that you two want different things and it's precisely because you do love him that you have to walk away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2013):
 Do you two live together?
And have you asked him flat out, are you interested in getting married? What is the hold up? And does he want more kids?
If he isn't ready after 7 1/2 years I just don't see him ever "being" ready. I think it's BS excuse and he is using that because he doesn't want to come flat out and tell you - I do NOT want to be married again. But this is guess work, you NEED to sit him down and talk about this.
You can't waste time wondering.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2013): He's 40 and it's unlikely that his financial situation will change drastically now. So it's unlikely that he means he's not ready financially.
You've been together for 4 years - there's not much more of you for him to discover so if he's not ready yet, I doubt he will change his mind given another 6 years of exactly the same you and the same him.
What I think is that he's been married, and he's had kids - the whole lot. He is happy with the kids he has and doesn't want more and he has seen that marriage does not equal happy ever after since the last one didn't work out.
Personally, I wouldn't wait any longer. He's past the stage where you are now in your life.
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