A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi in 17 and me and my boyfriend want to try having sex. I have read about all the diseases and things and no the risks and we will be careful, what I'm really worried about is my hymen. My older sister had sex and said it hurt really bad. I'm afraid to get hurt is there a way to break my hymen without pain?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): Try just spreading it with your fingers and rub it a little bit before you have sex. It wasn't so painful for me that way and try (after sex) pushing on it a bit and it may hurt and be painful or sting but that way it will not stretch out that much and look ugly....
Hope this helped.!!!(:
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2012):
 In my experience it isn't really the breaking of the hymen that hurts. What hurts is that your vagina is being stretched out. Often, with "beginners" or those who are too eager, the penis is pushed in too hard. This cause friction, a sort of burning sensation, and it hurts. It hurts even for those who are not virgins. Unless: you are lubes up well enough. When you are wet enough he will easily slide in without hardly any pressure at all, and you wont feel pain. The first time doesn't have to hurt. My first time only hurt a little bit, but I wasn't even wet enough.
It can be difficult to know what is wet enough when you are inexperienced. Have you ever masturbated to an orgasm? If you have, and you felt yourself down there right after you came, you'll feel that it is very wet. That sort of wetness is what you need. I'm not talking being a little moist, you really do need to be wet.
Your body naturally produces this lubrication when you get horny. Some women produce less than others, and under stress, or when being nervous, we tend to produce even less. So what could be a good idea is for you to get a bottle of lubricant, and use plenty of it. Or, just rub up against each other for a good while (about 30 minutes to an hour or so). His penis also "leaks" lubricant you see. When rubbing up against you he'll help you get wetter and ready.
When you are wet enough, and ready, it'll just slip in. He shouldn't have to push really, it'll slide in there. He'll need to hold back so there wont be too much at once, but it should be fine. Take it slowly and little by little, and remember to enjoy it!
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (22 May 2012):
You can eliminate the pain of first-time sex, or at least reduce it to something like "mild discomfort". I'll share what I've learned about this - from reading and personal experience. But to be honest, it sounds like you aren't ready for an adult sexual relationship. Your B/F may not be pressuring you (and you may not be pressuring him) but are you doing this mostly because "Well, we have been together for xxx months, so it seems like we should be doing this."?
You may have knowledge of "diseases and things and (k)no(w) the risks and we will be careful", but are you REALLY ready to accept what happens if "careful" doesn't work? Have you and your B/F talked seriously about things like "life partners"? Although the majority of folks start having sex at about your age, a sizable minority do not! And, many teen couples, even those who have been together for several years, break up shortly after they add sex to their relationship. Do a little investigation into the number of people who regret either having sex too young, or the person and circumstances of losing losing their virginity; and compare to the number of people who truly regret waiting for the best time (not just a good time) to start having sex.
Have you honestly discussed your fear with your B/F? You are considering doing something very special with each other. It was very significant to me that my first sex partner was also a virgin (my wife, on our wedding night, both age 23). Although I performed very poorly as a virgin girl's first sex partner, we both agree that her hymen was at least a contributing factor to the overall experience. Different men, even virgin guys who haven't really thought it through, have different feelings about that - your B/F may actually prefer not to deal with your hymen, or it may be significant to him that when he gives his virginity to a virgin partner that she should be as completely virginal as possible.
(You can't discuss this with him? That's understandable and not unusual - but may also indicate you two aren't quite ready yet.)
If you are truly concerned about the pain of rupturing your hymen, your OB/GYN, or possibly family physician, is almost certainly the person who can help you totally avoid that pain. She (or he) will surgically open your hymen. I am told that the actual procedure is painless to you, though you may have somewhat less discomfort than a normal pelvic exam from being positioned, opened, etc. These professionals have done this before, understand your embarrassment, and will positively ensure your confidentiality and privacy. The doctor will work with you on fees, etc, and if you're really ready for responsible, adult sex it won't be a problem.
By the way - you really should have a routine OB/GYN exam before you start having sex anyway. This comes under the heading of "being responsible and mature enough to start having sex". I can't imagine a parent (yes, I am one - my kids are older than you!) who would object to a daughter of your age having a routine exam. The doctor won't tell your parents that he solved your problem of painful hymen rupture while doing the exam.
When my wife and I gave each other our virginities it was more painful for her than it needed to be, and I'm ashamed and sorry for that decades later. It certainly wasn't my intention. You and your B/F have easy access to a LOT more information than we did so you can be MUCH better prepared. She said that breaking her hymen wasn't especially painful; about like getting an ear pierced, or a bit less. (Other women have compared it to ear piercing.) My wife said the real discomfort came from my erection opening her vagina. Your vagina is a ring of muscles, and like most muscles there can be pain when your B/F's penis stretches the muscles to receive him.
The other ladies' answers pretty much tell you everything we did wrong. To our credit, we had worked up to "everything but intercourse" during our engagement. I hope you and your B/F spend some time - weeks or months - learning about each other's bodies and your orgasmic responses - "heavy petting", "outercourse", "bundling", or whatever you want to call it - before trying intercourse. You can actually postpone full penis-in-vagina sex for quite a while if you become skilled at reading each other's bodies, and pleasuring each other (including orgasm) with non-coital methods. These are very useful lovemaking techniques to know even after you are old married people who have had sex thousands of times. Maybe ESPECIALLY useful for maintaining sexual "spark" after you are old married people who have had sex thousands of times.
For your first time you should have very private, comfortable surroundings and plenty of time - at least a full day or overnight, a whole weekend is better. Being "on a schedule", rushed, or afraid of somebody walking in will NOT reduce your discomfort.
You will already be comfortable with nudity in each other's presence and you'll use those foreplay skills. If you are wise and considerate, you will help your B/F to an orgasm early in your lovemaking. He will expect this and not fight it. This will take the "edge" off his drive, and help him have the control and consideration to give you an excellent experience. (It will also help him avoid the embarrassment of climaxing too soon once he's inside you.)
Then he will help you to an orgasm. Immediately after your climax you will be as relaxed, open, and lubricated as you'll ever be - and ready to envelope his penis with your vagina. Read that again. If you think he is "going to stick it into you", your mind probably isn't ready yet.
The traditional advice for a girl's first intercourse is to get on top of her partner in a kind of upside-down "missionary" position. You might want to straddle him and sit on his penis (sometimes called "cowgirl" position), but it's more likely that you'll be more laying down, your body stretched over his. This gives you MUCH better control to find the correct angle, rate of entry, depth, etc to eliminate your discomfort. He CAN NOT tell what you are feeling, or how to move to make it better for you.
The problem is that many virgin couples aren't open enough with each other, or sophisticated enough, to do this. The "spoons" position is also recommended, but I think the correct angles in that position are a little tricky if you're not experienced. I read one girl who said that she used "doggy" for her first time because she didn't want her partner to see her cry - that position WILL allow a rather deep, possibly painful, insertion. So almost all of us have our first intercourse in the good-old, guy-on-top, missionary position - then try a dozen others over the next several months before finding our preferred sequence of positions.
Don't expect your B/F to last long - probably not long enough for you to climax (though it would probably be awesome for both of you if you did). Suggest to him beforehand that a washcloth and warm water may feel very loving and soothing on your genitals very soon after he finishes. (That's ONE thing I did right!) Both of you may have emotions you don't understand in those moments. It may be a huge letdown or an exhilaration; you may want to shout or cry (my wife and I were both crying); hold each other forever or need personal, "alone time"; cover up immediately or parade around naked for each other. Be open to each other - it has been said that in those moments some people are more "emotionally naked" than any other time in their life.
Consider taking a break (but it's not mandatory!) - take a nap, go for a walk, get a snack (my wife and I went for ice cream). Then you can do it again! Remember, you allowed for LOTS of time, right? When we had sex for our very first times, it was lousy sex from a physiological standpoint - but VERY significant and meaningful from mental and emotional aspects. The second time happened about two hours later, and WAS MUCH better (she got on top, for one thing!). We did it 5 times in 24 hours - not quite our record over these last 38 years, but close to it.
I haven't mentioned "condoms". Contraception, and STD's, are VERY REAL problems and solving these problems is part of being mature, responsible, sex partners. However . . . "Condoms" is NOT the only solution, and for two virgins I don't think it's even a very good solution. There is a strong chance that you two will NOT use them correctly, and will get a false sense of security. A secondary (psychological) factor is the experience of natural, naked-genital intercourse when giving your virginity. (Both girls and guys say "it doesn't feel the same".) You will have a strong urge to experiment, and going without the condom "just this once" isn't much better than "not at all". I suggest you make the effort and spend some time looking into other methods for birth control and disease prevention - one more "mature, responsible" thing to do!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 May 2012):
 The hymen tearing is not what hurts during sex. That little flap of tissue barely has nerve endings for most women. For the vast majority of women tearing the hymen feels like nothing or next to nothing. The part that hurts during sex is that most girls are not aroused enough and so you are essentially trying to force this giant dry thing up a small dry thing and yes, that can hurt. The best way to avoid pain is to make sure he is capable of giving you an orgasm before you try to have sex (not the same day). Then to have him get you close before you try. Also buy some lube, because it will glide in a lot easier/with less friction.
There is a misconception that having sex for the first time physically changes something in your vagina and it's simply not true other than that it might tear your hymen (but many girls break theirs through sports or falling or tampon use). Nothing is stretched or anything like that.
So you need to relax, be turned on, and put some lube on the OUTSIDE ONLY of the condom (use protection). If you're not turned on/he can't get you to that point, you're not ready to have sex. Even if it does hurt though, it's honestly not THAT bad especially if he goes slow. Your body will get the message to "open up" so to speak (when you get aroused you get wet and you expand). If you have him sort of gently/slowly move the very tip of his penis in and out of the opening and gradually move in when it feels comfortable, that shouldn't hurt at all and should send the message to your body to loosen up that area.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (22 May 2012):
 It's interesting how we describe our hymens. During sex, the hymen is never actually "broken", but ether stretched or torn. This terminology is violent and makes it sound like sex will be very painful the first time, and there may be some discomfort at first, but it should never be truly painful. Be sure that you use a bit of lube, and that he uses his fingers in you before you uses his penis. This will gently stretch your hymen, so that it will not tear during intercourse. The key is to be well-lubricated and to be gentle. Even women that have had sex a hundred times will experience pain if she is not lubricated or if her partner is too rough.Our society has perpetuated this notion that the hymen covers the whole vagina, but this is not true. If it was, menstrual blood could not escape. Rather, the hymen is a thin, elastic membrane that partially covers the vagina, and can be gently stretched back. It will also return to more or less it's natural place if the vagina is not penetrated for a long enough time.My first time was not painful at all because of this technique. Mind you, there are some types of hymen that are more closed and sex can hurt for these people, but the condition is rare and should be treated by a doctor.Much love and Best wishes
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 May 2012):
you may NOT have a hymen any more.
Do you use tampons?
Did you ride bikes as a child
Did you do gymnastics such as cartwheels?
so many things can cause the very fragile hymen to tear such as tree climbing, horseback riding, running....
The key to this is that it MAY hurt no matter what you do... whether or not you even have a hymen.
you need to be relaxed (hard I know) and well lubricated (use a good lube that is made for use with condoms if needed) and aroused...
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