A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and for the past year and a half his ex has been a complete nightmare. He has 2 children with her 7 and 3. The 7 year old has Autism. The first incident was when we met. She insisted on meeting me before I met the kids which is fine. Her main issue was that I am not their mother and they will not call me mum. I thought the meeting went well but she phone my partner the next day to nit pick everything I said and did. Unfortunately I do have a tendency to roll my eyes when I'm nervous but she didn't know that. I later met the children for a few minutes with her as well. She later said that the 7 year old didn't like me and I wasn't allowed near him again. I recently found out that he said I didn't smile properly so he was uncomfortable, that was Eater of last year. Since then she has refused to let me near them and insisted that my partner spend more money and time with them. He told her that we will be moving closer and that we can have them overnight. She refused and said she would take them to Queensland. She has 100% custody. He sees them every Saturday and calls them twice during the week. We reduced his spending on them as we needed to save to move but she had a screaming match at him for it. She also found out where I was and came to talk to me with her mother but I didn't answer the door as they are aggressive people.She says she is keeping the kids away from me as they hate me. She made up a horrible story about me and told my partner who sadly believed her which lead to us breaking up. My partner told her that he would be moving in with people and she told him he would have to have them overnight regardless despite saying that the kids wouldn't be comfortable with me as I'm a stranger. She has admitted to hating me and her actions have shown that everything she has done has been because she hates me and nothing to do with the kids. My partner can't afford legal fees as he is bankrupt due to his previous time with her but wants to be able to have them around me if he chooses. Does anyone know a way to have the kids in our life without her.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2015):
 As much as I tell that this all bothers you, THERE IS nothing YOU can do.
HE has to MAN up, SAVE up and get LEGAL help taking her to court.
Unfortunately MEN do not have it as easy fighting custody battles and winning. But IF they don't fight (like this man) nothing will change.
He seems like he is talking an awful lot of crap about his ex. And personally, a guy who makes ALL the problems the "exes" fault, always makes me wonder how well they take responsibility for their own actions.
MAYBE she just IS a vindictive cow, I don't know. YOU don't even know the full story, ONLY what he has told you.
And PERSONALLY, he NEEDS to deal with this BEFORE getting into a relationship. HIS kids comes first. So I would GRACEFULLY BOW out and LET him deal with this. IF he down the road have sorted the custody agreement and finances out and I still was single, I'd CONSIDER dating him again, but as this stand? NOT a chance. Why? Because he is still DANCING to her tune and he will continue to do so. BECAUSE he thinks that is his only choice.
I'm sorry I can't offer "better" advice to you. Just my thoughts on this whole mess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe does pay child support every fortnight and spends money on them every time he sees them but she won't be happy until he gives her all his money. I am not allowed near the children. We are no longer together as it's a hard situation but we do still love each other and want to be together but he also wants to have them over night and go out with them to fairs and such with me but that is off the cards with her. She forced him to sign a piece of paper giving her custody otherwise she would take them away permanently. As for their previous relationship. she baby trapped him after 6 months together claiming she can't have kids but fell pregnant within a month. Same with the second. She was never right for him to different. They tried mediation and they told her she cant say what he does and who he sees during his time with the kids. She said if they didn't come to an agreement that she would get a court order barring him from coming near his kids permanently. ahe has spent the past year bad mouthing me to his children. Telling them that their dad is with me that's why he not with them. She really is a disgusting person. Also the 7 year old only has mild autism.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 January 2015):
I'm sorry your BF sounds like a whipped wimp.
She tells HIM stories about you (a woman she BARELY knows) and HE believes he and dumps you? WTH?
I know you want for him to have the kids, and be part of his family, but UNLESS he takes her to court there isn't much anyone can do. And you... have no rights to the kids legally. So there is NOTHING YOU can do.
As for paying for the kids, I presume there is a maintenance order/ child support order with XX amount per month that HE has to pay HER to support THEIR kids? If not, THAT needs to be done.
As for the child with Autism, it might not be in the best interest of the CHILD to move back and forth. Depending on what kind of Autism he has. Many Autistic kids don't deal well with changes to their routine. I had a neighbor who would paint the rooms in the house the same color in all the places they lived so the kid could find his way around the house. When they first moved in on our street the kid was in total shut down mode for a week while the mom frantically painted the walls. As soon as the rooms had the "right" colors he was OK again. Now this may not be the norm (the painting rooms) but most Autistic kids are NOT very adaptable. What he needs is, SET routines.
I agree wit Janniepeg. She is taking her ANGER at her ex for leaving HER with the responsibility of the kids, out on you. And to punish HIM, she will punish you as well.
I presume you two are now back together?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 January 2015):
 There is a way, but not now and not when she still has 100% custody. She barely knows you, so what she hates is the idea that she would be replaced as a mother if the kids spend time at your place. It's not you as a person but the feeling that the ex got away, leaving her with the baggage to carry and dating with less responsibilities while she is strapped at home finding it hard to date. Looking at the timeline you were dating when the baby was 1. So she's not going to make it an easy time for you. As long as your partner is broke, he has a hard time changing this arrangement. He has to pay his loans, save up for years before he could think about marriage and custody of his children. He has to earn his right to custody. On the surface the ex could be a horrible person but I don't know their story. It could be a common sad story of a couple who burnt out with two kids and the dad bailing out because of stress.
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