A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what this community thinks of "casual sex", but let me start by clarifying about myself. I'm a 28 year old guy, never had sex, never had a girlfriend, never gotten anywhere with a woman. What I always REALLY want(ed) was to find a "proper" relationship, but I no longer believe that's a possibility for me. I'm just never going to have that, plain and simple. Having said that, I'd very much like to explore my sexuality. I'm not "desperate", I'm not obsessing over losing my virginity due to peer pressure, or anything silly like that. I just simply have a lot of curiosities that can only really be solved by firsthand experience. Since I can't find a "proper" relationship, why not try to have a little fun with the physical aspect of things? If I'm going to die alone, I might as well make it one hell of a ride, right?Anyway, I find myself wondering how someone who can't even get a date can possibly get someone to "hook up" with me, though. Especially as someone who lacks good looks and a silver tongue. I don't want to have to lie, be dishonest and manipulative, and/ or lead people on, either. Is there a "polite" way to find and pursue casual sex? For what it's worth, I'd be more interested in more "friends with benefits" type scenarios than simply "one night stands". And no, I wouldn't want to pay for a prostitute.Just something I've been becoming increasingly curious about.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Cindy, either you didn't read what I last wrote or you didn't understand it. I specifically indicated that its not the principle of a woman turning down an unattractive man's casual sex invitation that is wrong. Why on earth would that be wrong for a person to want a choice about who they sleep with?Its the way of going about it that can be so disrespectful. If you are willing to have casual sex then you should own up to it and not get indignant at a pass just because the wrong person makes a pass. Those wrong persons are people too and it hurts them to be treated with indignation. It makes it harder for them to figure out what to look for in the future when they guess right (about what a woman was looking for) only to be told they were wrong because she didn't like him. Most of all its just fake to pretend you are too good for casual sex if you aren't. That is the tone that women virtually always use. They do not just say they don't want casual sex, they get INDIGNANT at the suggestion. THAT is so wrong. How would you feel if every man who turns you down acts OFFENDED that you would dare ask him out? "How DARE you ask ME out?" These are usually not the words being spoken to do the casual sex rejecting. But it is exactly what is being communicated.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 Anon male, lets see if I understand what you mean. You mean woman should sleep with less attractive me even if they don't want to, because they would have slept with a more attractive man?
So, if you buy a nice lady a diamond ring you should buy one for all women on the planet too? Same thing, right? You're not allowed to make exceptions..?
Or, did you mean that women should just be honest and tell you they don't think you're gook looking, rather than say they aren't interested in casual sex (with you)?
I would say it's not hitting below any belt to refuse an offer of casual sex based on a lack of interest. Whether or not that lack of interest comes from you not being desirable enough for them, or from them in general not wanting casual sex, is of less importance. Or of no importance at all, really.
"Does that make it okay to treat less attractive people with less respect and decency?"
It's not exactly a sign of respect towards a woman to ask her for casual sex... In case you didn't know, it can be quite offensive unless you word it correctly and court her correctly (even a hot guy will get slapped if he's not dancing the right dance).
A very interesting thing you should think about though is this: if men didn't put out so easily (aka being sluts) then women would have to work harder for it, and you'd be a good catch too. But since most guys jump at every opportunity for sex.. well, it's not really difficult to understand why women pick from the top shelf (in terms of looks). Men should really try to gain some self respect and standards, and this whole "dilemma" would vanish. Then you too would be able to say "no thanks" to women you aren't attracted to.
Btw, have you tried to make your moves on women who you weren't attracted to? Because by your own words, you shouldn't treat them differently, but hand them the same "respectful" request for casual sex. Are you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Okay Cindycares. Life is unfair. Everyone has the right to go for hot partners.
Does that make it okay to treat less attractive people with less respect and decency? That is what a woman does when she gets indignant with man for suggesting casual sex with her only because he wasn't attractive enough.
Turning an unattractive man down for casual sex is one thing. But pretending to be indignant and incapable of such an encounter just because of his looks is plain old low. Its pretending to be something you are not. Its also hitting below the belt. Its like laughing in a man's face when he asks you out. That goes beyond just turning someone down, that reflects badly on the character of the woman turning him down.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 @ anon male, I am not totally sure I feel your pain... I mean, I do , but, are you surprised ?... sex, and the distribution of sexual resources ,is not a democratic and equalitarian process , it does not come from a place of " equal opportunity for all ". Maybe it should, but it is not, and it never was.
Great part of that is because, as the anon female says, most women are still not enthusiastic or even comfortable with casual sex. They may do it, but, if they aren't Samantha Jones from Sex and the City- as an " in lack of better , push come to shove ". It's a B-list choice, it's something you do when you can't elicit more interest than that, -it carries with it a vague sense of having to make do and not being good enough. ( Always speaking in general, of course )
So, they will consider it if it's a way to " get " someone who's well out of their league - someone really hot and attractive. The visual stimulation and the ego boost , although superficial, will compensate the flip side of not being REALLY wanted.
Maybe that's lamentable but... it's life, I guess. If you think about it, hoping it assuages your bitterness, - at the end of the day it's the same for females.
Be hot and attractive, and you'll have men chasing after you, spending money on you, sending you flowers, competing for you attention etc. Be plain or ugly , and you'll have to sweat it thrice as much , and show that you are ALSO intelligent, nice, , kind, sweet, funny, loyal, etc.etc... ( and maybe even a good cook too ! ) before a man will consider giving you the time of the day.
Unfair ?... whoever said that life (and Nature ) was fair ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): Female anon sums it up. Be attractive enough and you get sex in an hour. Not attractive enough, and even several hours of interest and money spent does not work. In fact it may get you an indignant offended response when you suggest doing the same thing she did a day or two before.
Its one set of boundaries and morals for attractive guys and a different set for average guys. The last female anon got OFFENDED when less attractive guys believed she might be capable of doing the same thing she did with a hot guy. How dare they mistake her for being the kind of woman who would do what she just did? They aren't HOT enough to be treated with fairness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): When I was on a trip, a 25 year old gorgeous guy came up to me and told me I am beatifull in a language that I couldn't understand. He was so breathtaking and smelled so good, and had perfect white teeth, and blue eyes, that exactly one hour later we had sex in his car.
On this trip also many men came up to me and some offered the same after couple hours of hanging out together in a bar, and many of them I asked, what do you think I am a hooker? Men came up to me on a beach, took me out, paid for my dinners and drinks and never got what that fellow got, and what you are looking for: casual sex.
Believe me, it's not easier for a normal guy to get casual sex, polite or not polite. It's also not that easy for us to find someone we like for casual sex. We can choose, and it's easy for us, but at the same time our standards when it comes to casual sex is much higher than its of a man. And in woman's head there is always a thought, if I do it casually I better have someone out of my league, if this thing exists. In my case we couldn't even communicate almost at all, for an hour preceding our encounter, he just held my hand, and looked at me, and then was kissing me non stop. No words were nessesary.
So,my thoughts that your hopes to settle just for casual sex are not very
optimistic for me. Try though Internet, you never know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): CindyCares, congratulations on your first paragraph you wrote.
That fact is common knowledge among every male on the planet by the time they are in middle school. It is vital to understanding the differences between males and females and how our feelings about women, relationships, and values work. But we usually struggle to get women to accept the idea no matter how loudly we yell it from the hilltops.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 August 2013):
Call me crazy, but I think that for an average Joe without particularly good looks and social smoothness, it's actually more difficult to find casual hook ups than a proper relationship.
First, because like anon male reader says, many women find the idea of being approached just for casual sex rude,insulting and boorish per se. Like: what , am I good enough for sex but not good enough for going out on dates and be seen in public with you ? Eh pal, I don't think so , keep dreaming. OF COURSE the same women relax a bit their standards of " properness ", and turn a blind eye on the unflattering message which is being conveyed by the proposal , if the proposal itself comes from some supercharming hot stud, - I don't find it strange. The dating market.... is a market, it's what about you have to offer. If you are hot, young ,sexy, with model looks... and you don't offer much in terms of connection and duration in time, well, at least you have SOMETHING real good to offer, your body and magnetism. It's up to me to decide if that's enough to compensate the lack of a real interest for my person, - and maybe, if if I am a very visual person,or I need an ego stroke, or I have felt sexually deprived lately, or whatever other reason, I may decide that the offer is not presumptuous.
But if you are an Average Joe with nothing special to impress at first sight, and to make you stand out AND also you tell me that you only want sex from me... eh, you may find quite a few very pissed off girls and get some very harsh rebukes.
Second, because, right or wrong that it may be, for dozen of reasons women value, in fact ,often overestimate, relationships, and being in a proper relationship ; that's often a goal in itself, they set out more looking for " a relationship " than for a specific man with specific traits and qualities . So, if you can offer a relationship, you'll find that often these women will be flexible about things like looks, being smooth, sexy, confident, experienced, a babe magnet... the things that you say you don't have.
Based on that , I think it's still more realistic for you to insist and try to get women with a more date-ish ,couple -ish approach than with a " just please kindly put out " one. You risk wasting a lot of time and getting perhaps even more frustrated than looking for a gf.
Said that , there are tons of sites for casual encounters , sexual flings only, etc. True that there are many more man on them than women, but- it's worth a try, after all if there are so many it must mean that somehow they work. Just don't forget to use them judiciously and do not forget to adopt necessary caution- and I am not only talking about STD prevention, it's still total strangers on the net, so-be safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): Check the personal ads in your local newspaper or craiglist. There are lots of people looking for hook ups so there is no pretense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): The truth is the man does not control whether he has been "polite" or not.
Maybe someone that you approach for casuals sex will agree, in which case you have done it politely. Or maybe she finds the idea of being approached for casual sex offensive, and in that case she might say you were rude no matter how you approached her. (Some women will call the approach offensive when they don't like the guy and call the same thing sexy & right when they do want him.)
Maybe she will tell you she agrees that its no-strings-attached and abide by that. Or maybe she will say she okay with that but still blame you for using her when she catches feelings. Etc.
Get my drift? You can come at women however you want. But the main thing affecting whether or not you have been "polite" is how they feel about your request.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 August 2013):
Dear OP,
Before answering your question, let me just tell you that I get how you're feeling.
It's hard to tell over the internet how much I understand this line of thought, but I do.
Okay, now here's my answer to your question: Yes, sure there's a polite way to have casual sex, which is honesty. There are several online dating sites which are specialized to bring together people who only want FWB. You won't have to lie there. I also had a phase where I used those sites and had some experiences.
However, friends with benefit scenarios can get extremely complicated. It almost always ends with one person wanting a real relationship and suffering. Especially in your position, I'd bet 100 dollars or more that you'd fall in love with a girl if you did all those things with her that you actually, deep down, wanted to do with a girlfriend. That's why I'd actually recommend ONS, if you really just want to have "physical" fun, because it's less likely you'll fall in love. It also doesn't require especially great looks or a silver tongue - loud music, alcohol and/or temporary overconfidence will do (based on my own, limited experience).
Having said that, what I really want to do is give you a hug - and tell you to not give up on your real dream. You know deep down you want more than just an FWB. I don't have any moral problems with you just wanting to have sex, really. It's not that I'm against it, as long as both parties are consenting, you can do whatever. I just doubt it will make you truly happy in the long run.
It hurts me so much to read your lines, that you just gave up on looking for love. Why? Look, I've been single for a long time now, I can relate to this feeling of wanting to give up. There's always that point where you start to feel stupid, ugly and just incapable. But this is just you, trying to explain your loneliness, it's not the reality. The reality is, you still didn't find what you were looking for, so you have to keep looking. Like everybody else who's single. And yes, that's tiring and scary and there's a risk of rejection and heartbreak. And I know sometimes you just want to throw it all away and just hide and never risk any social interaction again. But it's life and you can't have it any easier.
Wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 I wouldn't give up on the idea of having a relationship and I'm curious as to why you think that'll never happen. You're hardly ancient, after all, and you come across as clever and thoughtful - those are 2 good qualities that women look for.
But anyway ... There are websites geared up for NSA sex or FWB. I'm sure you'll find some if you do some googling.
The only 'polite' way to engage in casual sex is to be totally honest about it (before the deed, not afterwards obviously!). This is probably more simple if you introduce yourself online rather than in a bar/ club, when drink is involved and people say and do things they later regret.
Good luck, have fun, be careful and be safe.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (2 August 2013):
 Why you can't you find a "proper" relationship? I only ask because the same things that are inhibiting you from accomplishing that are going to be the same things that inhibit you from casual relationships. Unless you go on a dating site, maybe.
You pursue those two kinds of relationships the same way. The only real difference is what you and the partner want out of the relationship - love in one case, sex in the other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): No, there is no polite way. Just be up front about what you want. If you sugarcoat it the girl is not going to understand fully. In order for her not to get her feelings hurt you need to tell her directly that you are looking for a friends with benefits type of relationship. No strings attached. Good luck and stay protected!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I can't imagine how does it work" first clarify your intentions" . Who does it ? Even if it's the fact and everyone knows about it, what woman unless she is completely drunk would go with a guy when he says, listen, all I want is casual sex, let's go.
I had several episodes like that when a guy said something like that, I just turned around and left. I don't think it's very polite (though very honest) to treat a woman like this) , well, anyway, women don't like it, so don't do that.
I don't know why you desided that no one will ever like you and you will never have a girlfriend, but to find someone just to have sex with you is even harder than to have a girlfriend.
Women ussualy don't like doing it. It's a man's strong delusion that situation FWB is satisfying to a woman. Woman would sleep with a guy in hope that it will grow into something more, mistakenly.
Women more often do one night stands, because if they continue sleeping with a guy they start develops feeling of attachment. And then it's not FWB anymore.
Your best bet would be a much older woman, or may be someone who is married. But if you thinking of having someone your own age and who also will be decent looking, I think you are in lala land. I don't think any normal woman in your age would agree to this arrangement, and even if this happens it's not going to last. Also you dont want to pay for it. this is what hookers are for for a guy in your situation, but yes, they cost money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I think you can advertise on dating sites as only looking for no-strings fun, so you could try that? Everyone knows where they stand in that situation. Otherwise, get yourself out to a bar or club and see if you can find someone. Lots of people are looking for casual sex in bars etc, but do make sure you clarify your intentions before you actually go home with someone.
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