A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a very busy post-doc research fellow for over three months now. Whenever he is with me he compliments me profusely and behaves like I am the only person he's into. He treats me well and we have fun when we're together. During the week, he texts every two or three days, checking in, saying he misses me, etc. The problem I've noticed is that he is almost never available on weekend nights. At first I thought, because of his research and because he was writing numerous grant proposals, he was legitimately busy. He's new in town, so he doesn't have any friends to go out with. However, he just finished up writing his grants a few weeks ago, and still hasn't asked me out for a Friday or Saturday night. He also never makes plans more than a day in advance.Every time I've tried suggesting weekend nights, he has something to do. Last weekend, he texted late Friday night to ask what I was doing Saturday. I replied that I was busy during the day, but that I was free that evening. He texted back that he had a birthday party to go to (hmm...birthday party...with no friends? Also, this isn't the first time he's had the birthday day party excuse, believe it or not). The next day, he texted again to ask me what I was doing that day. I had plans, so he asked me out for the next night (Monday). When we went to dinner on Monday, I mentioned that I didn't have any plans for the following weekend, and he said that he might have plans with a new motorcycle riding group (so...he can make plans in advance to ride motorcycles, but not with me...hmmm...). The following weekend, I received a text from him in the afternoon on Saturday, asking if he could "have my Sunday." I agreed, but then Sunday morning, he cancelled, saying he was sick with a cold. Of the three months we've dated, we've only spent time together on a weekend night three times. Once was our first date. I have this feeling that this guy thinks he's telling me exactly what I want to hear, and he's reserving his "date night" evenings for someone else (or new dates). He did delete his dating profile off of the site where we met, but, who knows, he could be using a different site.Is there a good way to ask a guy why your dates never occur during normal "date nights" without sounding needy? I'm keeping my options open, date-wise, but he always sounds like he is SO into me that I'm not sure how to take his behavior. Actions speak louder than words, I guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the help! Actually, he has asked me to go away with him for a weekend (wow--a WEEKEND), and, apparently, the woman he was speaking with was a girlfriend of one of the guys in the group. She was asking him about cooking, which is why he was talking so animatedly.
I'm going to see how our time together pans out, but it seems he's making more of an effort now to include me in his life. We'll see...
P.S. American dating systems are good and bad. Mutli-dating can help you from getting too stuck on one individual, lest they turn out to be an assclown, but, then again, there's always the ambiguous "what are we? Are you seeing other people?" phase, and it also breeds hanging onto one person indefinitely while scouting around for something "better" to "trade up" to. Ugh. Yeah, crazy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Hi, sorry, I just noticed you are posting from America and I'm reading it over here in Britain where the idea of dating hasn't completely overtaken our culture yet - people have started dating by meeting online, but for the majority of us it's more a simple question of going out initially only with one man and then deciding if you want to become serious - over here it's still not the norm - well for most anyway - to go out on a few dates with several men and then decide which you want to be exclusive with - so, apologies for suggesting that you should be angry with him, it honestly is a culture difference.Thing is though, even if she is some 'legitimate' woman - like his sister who is in trouble, or an ex that he still has feelings for, or even another 'date' partner, I can see why you are confused that he treats you like you are his no. 1 girl but then no weekends. So, you are really wanting to know why this confusing about where you are in the pecking order, so to speak? Then I think you are right to just ask if he is free on a weekend, rather than create a fuss. His nervousness shows he either really cares about you, or he is just really freaked out about getting found out about having a wife or something...but I can see how you can't really ask that sort of thing. Oh dear, I don't think I could cope with American dating systems...sorry not to be much more help but good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, #1, we haven't had the "exclusivity talk" (obviously, we're far from it), so he has a right to go out with other women. I told him I was doing something else that morning (my plans changed), so he had no reason to think he'd run into me somewhere.
Also, I have no idea who this woman was. He was in a group of people, so it's not like it was a "date" per se. He may have been interested in her, or may have taken her out prior to this, but, again, I won't know unless I ask.
I can't even be angry with him because it's not like I am not dating others as well. I just am not sure why he treats me as though I'm his #1, and yet never reserves his "prime time" for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Why are you being so nice about this? Why did you hide under your visor? I would've openly walked up and introduced myself to the blonde.
He's a complete and utter cad who has been playing you for a fool. Taking her on a hike out of town hoping not to bump into you!
And you're going to meet up and just talk it through with him? He's obviously sussed you out much earlier on as a walkover, imagining you to be pretty spineless and easy to manipulate.
And you are proving him right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: So, today I went hiking with a friend in a really faraway place (about an hour or so outside of the city), and we brought my dog. As we walked up the trailhead, to my extreme shock, who do I happen to see? THIS guy! He's walking in a group, talking animatedly to a gorgeous blonde woman with an accent. My friend was holding my dog's leash and, I walked up ahead with my head down, face covering my visor, hoping he wouldn't recognize me. Although, later, I thought he might recognize my dog (she's pretty distinct looking).After the hike, I received a voicemail from the guy that sounded really nervous, asking me to go out the next day. A half hour after he left the voicemail, he sent a text with a kissy face. However, when I called him back, we talked for an hour and he didn't mention it. I agreed to meet up with him the next day (tomorrow), but I really think I should bring this up, if only to get a pulse on what's really going on.Any advice before I meet up with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2014): Yeah this guy is playing the field. He is keeping his options open. I mean if he truly liked you he would've invited you with him to the "birthday party." He would've preferred seeing you than doing anything else. I guess you could bring it up if it is really bothering you, but I wouldn't if I were you. Like you said, actions speak louder than words and his actions are pretty telling of the fact that you are not a priority. If he had promised you a commitment and you guys had talked about being serious, only then would I bring up his actions. But it doesn't sound like you guys have. So there is really no leg for you to stand on bringing that up. I don't think this guy really cares about you. I mean he compliments you and that is great, I am sure it feels nice. But complimenting you on how you look is not the same as taking you seriously and laying it on the line about how he feels about your relationship. They are both totally unrelated. If you don't like how he treats you just move on. I don't think bringing up how he acts is going to change anything. You should never have to explain to a guy how to treat you. They are not stupid, they know how to. So if he is not doing so, it is purposeful. He doesn't want you to get attached. He is keeping things casual.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Just got an email from him, saying he's feeling better, that supposedly his congestion was actually allergies, and he's asking me what my week nights look like. I think I'm going to try to offer up my weekend again, and we'll see what happens. If he continues to make excuses as to why he can't see me on a Saturday, then something is for sure fishy. In that case, I will just relegate him to the "weeknight date zone" and set out to find someone who IS interested in seeing me on his Saturday nights.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 Sounds to like you may not be the only woman in his life. He asks about your availability on weekends at the last minute and hopes you busy so it looks like he wanted to spend the weekend with you. I would put off meeting on weekdays and see if he makes time for you on the weekend. You need to do more home work about this guy as I said, you just might be the GF for week days and another GF for weekends. I hope I am wrong but you also seem to think that you may not be the only woman in his life. Trust your instincts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): I've started to learn the hard way that very ambitious men like this tend to be great when they are actually with you but extremely inflexible about when they will meet you. Research at high level is usually a solo activity - at least pretty much so - and it also takes enormous drive to get to that stage and proper research strategies, rather than jus submerging oneself and seeing what happens after reading a load of books or doing a load of experiments etc. So what I am saying is that you're probably dating a strategist who is used to putting himself first and foremost. When he has factored you into his plan he will be amazing with you because you are part of his plan at that time. But getting him to change his plan or strategy, even a little, is an entirely different matter.From experience I would probably NOT try to talk to him or reason with him. I've tried this before and, whilst it may work for a while because he will be intelligent enough to see that he's being unfair and may want to prove otherwise, the novelty will probably soon wear off.Instead, I've adopted the view that men like this tend to always want what they feel they can't quite have. I'm not saying they will be lotharios and chase loads of women, but researchers are a bit like modern day hunters - they love to feel that they are exploring and chasing down something unique and really special that no one else can get to. So if I were in your position I would become a bit more unavailable. Be really pleasant, really lovely when you talk to him but just busy. Busy doing interesting things. Don't reject him coldly, just be busy on weeknights. He will soon get the message that you are fed up of only week-day dating. From there he will either change his strategy to include you at weekends or he will give up - and if he gives up, no matter how painful it may be for you, this is what he would have done anyway. I know it's a game, and it's one that took me years and years to figure out - it's not dishonest, it's just a different way of communicating your needs to someone who can't take them on board in a usual way. In short, you need to 'up your game' without spelling it out to him. It doesn't mean he won't eventually treat you more equally, it's just the way that some men are. If you don't want to be that way and want someone that you can just reason with openly and honestly, then find someone else - with a man like this I don't think you will get that kind of relationship until much, much further down the line.
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