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female
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anonymous
writes:I have a 3 year old grandson who lives overseas with his Daddy who has full custody of him. The little boy does not see his mum ever due to restrictions on her.I feel very sorry for him and feel bad that I live so far away, this means I get to see him once every 2 years as I am only in part time work and I rely on shifts.My son who is 23 recently met a girl who is also a single parent with a 3 month old baby girl.They now live together.My son has made it clear to me that he wants them all to be seen by me as 1 unit, and if I ask about my grandson then I am to ask about them all. He wants also for them to be treated fairly.He said it is not to do with presents but I feel this is part of it reading between the lines.I do spend a lot on my grandson for his birthday and Christmas even if this means I have to work extra shifts to get him what he wants.Yes I am aware that no amount of gifts can compensate for a person to be there with hugs etcMy question is I do not know how to deal with this in the future with gift buying.Should I now be buying this little girl something for Christmas and birthdays to the equal amount that I spend on my grandson?I know I cannot afford to do this, which means that my grandson will be cut short so I can get this small girl a gift.It seems unfair but I can't find a solution especially after my son has made it so clear he wants them all to be treated the same.I only work part time, rely on shifts to make up full time hours, sometimes that can be hit or miss so I don't have a lot of money. Your thoughts please. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): I feel very sorry for your grandson.His mother is out of the picture, his grandmother is an ocean away, and now his idiot father has suddenly brought a new girlfriend AND an unrelated newborn into his three-year-old son's life.Your son really isn't in a position to make demands of you given his dubious choices in women (one mother who is absent from her three-year-old's life, another who moved her three-month-old in with a total stranger).The good news is that given the recent track records of the shack-up lovebirds I'd say the odds of this coupling lasting until Christmas or your grandson's birthday are remote at best.Your son needs to realize that what your grandson needs as much stability and consistency in his life as possible, and if he grows up witnessing a parade of "aunts" passing through his father's bedroom while a series of faux-step-siblings come in and out of his life then he is doomed to make the same disastrous life choices his father is making.Your grandson should be your first priority, not the unrelated total stranger with whom his father happens to be sleeping at the moment, and you need to be as much of a presence in his life as your circumstances allow. He's your grandchild, just because your son is playing house is the mother of a three-month-old doesn't make you that kid's grandmother. It's way too early to start to develop any sort of attachment to an infant who will likely have disappeared from your grandson's life and memory long before he starts school.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): I understand what you feel, I also think its wrong for your son to impose on you that you buy the same gifts. Gifts are given out of love, that should come from you.
I also think because you hardly see your grand kid, you try to over compensate and even work extra hard to try and make up. Your intentions are well meant and I think your son should leave you to decide what to get the step kid. As much as relationships are not only linked by blood, blood is thicker than water. Does he go around telling every friend and family how to treat his step child, I think not. My advise is do what you feel is right and what makes you happy to please your grand kid.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 February 2014):
 First off, your son JUST met this girl? So there is no need to 'panic" about Christmas just yet. But in that same breath, why not put a little aside each month, so you don't get overwhelmed at the end of the year?
Your grandson is 3. WHAT in the world does he NEED (not want) but NEED as a 3 year old that will break your bank?
And I DO agree with your son, making your grandson the "golden child" who gets ALL the good gift and his (maybe) step sister gets nothing?
YES, I would buy smaller presents so they BOTH can get something.
THAT little girl means something to your son and sooner or later to your grandson. Family is DEFINITELY more then blood.
You can't BUY your grandson's love by getting him expensive presents. Talk to the parents when it comes close to B-days and holiday and ask what would be a good gift.
I really don't see the problem here, you get to have TWO grandchildren! Even if one isn't biologically yours.
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