Is the thought of too many kids an marriage spooking my partner??

A female age 51-59, *annika writes:

Hi all, I am new here and need some help. I have been dating a man for over 3 yrs and we are now having problems, well he is. Anyway to give you some hindsight into us - we are both divorced,over the age of 40 and i have 3 children (8,8 and 7) who live with me and he has 1 (6) who he sees every other weekend. The kids love playing together so we have worked it out that they are together on the weekends he has her and then they go to their dads on the weekends he doesn't. His parents are going through and ugly divorce and his mother has pretty much disowned him because he doesn't agree with her and sides with his father but his brother sides with his mom. His mother and brother are the type of people that don't take responsibility for their actions that everything wrong is everyone elses fault and therefore if you don't agree with them then you are to be punished by any means (untrue rumors, talking ugly loudly in front of people and the such) So for about the last month he has entered a very sour mood. He says that its the kids and that he just cant take that there are so many of them and then he says that its the weather or his mother. His work revolves around the weather and we havent had any significant rainfall in a very long time. He says that he cant discipline my children for fear of repercussions from their father. He had said some ugly things when we first started dating but I feel that its all talk. My childrens father was never there when they were younger. His business had him traveling so much that he was only home a few days a month. We have been divorced for over 4 yrs and he has called them maybe 5 times but he does pik them up on his weekends and spoils them rotten to where it takes me a few days to regain control when they get back. My boyfriends daughter is an only child and he holds a lot of guilt from his previous marraige and some issues that I am sworn to secrecy about but anyway he does cater to her a little bit for fear that she won't like him and won't want to come back. We plan trips with the kids and then we take one once a yr without them and on those we have had a fight for one reason or another. One of my 8 yr old daughters asked him the other day if she could call him daddy when we got married. It almost made me cry but I think it scared him. Now he is saying that he doesn't think he can be around so many kids everyday that he has gotten used to be by himself most of the time and doesn't know if he has it in him to be a step dad. He doesn't feel that my kids respect him or that he can do anything about the misbehaving. I look at it this way, they are children, they are going to push your buttons to see what they can and can't get away with and kids argue when there are more than one around. So I guess my question is what do I tell him? Do I tell him that if he loves me like he says he does then accept my kids for who they are and accept the fact that they do love him, do I tell him to leave, do I tell him he has a lot of thinking to do, do I tell him to see a counselor? I'm stuck and don't know what to do. He has been in a funky mood and I don't want to say anything that could be mistaken. Sorry this was so long but I feel you had to know some background. If you need more then ask. Thanks for your time and thoughts

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A female reader, Wannika  +, writes (4 September 2011):

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 September 2011):

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011):

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