A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello all. I need some advice on how to tell the man ive been planning on being in a relationship that i have just been diagnosed with herpes. We have not had sex, as we have been taking it slow for about a year now. I freaked out over it so im pretty sure he will. And not only him, but how do i tell anyone in the future? Should i only look for people with herpes to be with now? I am having a baby in 3 months and just so scared no one will ever want to be with me or have a family with me now. It is believed ive had herpes almost a year now. Please help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 At least you did your best to inform him, what a complete jerk. You are right. But he most definitely has it, who else would have given it to you? Or even if he wasn't the one to give it to you you still had unprotected sex with him, so the chances are somewhat high that he's got it. I feel sorry for any future girl of his and hope she is smart enough to ask him to get tested before she has sex with him. But either way, it is not your responsibility, you tried your best to tell him.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Be up front with it and he'll know how to protect himself from the transfer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionadditional note, my baby's father is a jerk and when i tried to work up the courage to tell him he said "yawn, im getting bored im gonna go inside and watch a movie". I told him i had went to the doctors. He said whatever i have he doesnt have it forsure. He does not care & well thats the end of that. The doctor has made it clear the herpes will not harm my child.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 September 2011):
What does your doctor say about your child though? That's what I'd be more worried about, that the child is disposed to herpes through birth. I'm sure you've talked about it with your doctor, but in case you haven't you need to have this discussion.
And who is the father of the child? The father, and any other man you have been sexually active with the last year, should be informed so they can get tested as well. It'd certainly be a nice thing of you to tell them to keep it from being spread.
You are protected against herpes by having protected sex, using a condom. You can still have a family and it should not keep you from having one. But, you might not be able to be with whomever. It will take a mature and confident man to be able to handle this. Not because it is worse than taking on a child (you are having a child soon after all), but many are scared by sexually transmitted infections because of the taboo of having one.
Herpes doesn't kill you. Get informed about herpes, and how it is spread, and what you can do when you have an outbreak etc. Then bring home information leaflets, books, etc, and sit your boyfriend down. Then tell him you went to the doctors and got diagnosed with herpes. He should, if he's anything close to decent, be grateful and glad that you are so level headed you went and got checked before having sex with someone new. That alone says you value your own, and his, health.
Then talk to him about what this means, show him the information, and say "I understand this comes as a shock to you. It came as a shock to me as well. I am trying to adjust to it, and take it in, and I will need some time doing so. I understand if you need some time to think about this new information as well. If you want to talk about it I will be happy to, but if you want to take some time to yourself to think about this, and what it means for our relationship, then I will understand."
If he wants time to think then tell him it's ok. Now, depending on your relationship so far, determine together if you will wait a week or two with no contact, or if you will carry on meeting as usual, or less than usual.
I recommend you prepare for him needing some days to think about this without contact, maybe 2-3 days or even a week. Then invite him to meet you for a walk, or for coffee, or something else that will allow you to have a proper talk without anyone else listening to your conversation. Then see if he opens up. Don't pressure him to make a decision, the decision needs to come naturally, but give him opportunities to talk to you and ask questions.
Another thing I will recommend is that you and him visit a doctor together to have a talk about herpes. He needs to get information, as do you, and going together will ensure you both get the exact same information, to prevent misunderstandings.
Using a condom is what you must do for future relationships, unless the other person also has herpes/doesn't mind risking infection (which in many marriages they don't mind it). It will not mean you can never be in a relationship again. This is information you need to tell a future partner before you and him get sexually active. You don't have to blurt it out sooner than you feel comfortable with, you only need to say it before the relationship gets too serious/sexual.
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