A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was dating a recently divorced man for a few months. It was going well..he called me everyday also texting and some emails. We went on some nice dates, met his close friends once and he had asked me to attend a near future weekend get away with him. We always talked easily, and even shared our old child hood photos. So I guess you could say it was going well. His x decided to take him back to court for full custody of their son..they currently have shared parenting. Since this became bitter he became more distant from me. Still would call..less texting and emails.I could tell he was very stressed. He had a bad couple of days with his attorneys, and didnt dissapear on me per se..wrote me am email about everything going on, how he is not handeling it well..that he needs time to figure out the best way to deal with this..it was not a break up email..he ended it with his weekend plans and how much he was listneing to the cd i let him borrow. However..its been a month now and I have reached out a few times and get no response. Just not interested any me? Or just too much going on with his emotional stress? Mind you we talked everyday sometiemes for hours. Any one relate to this kind of thing???? Its been bothering me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): From previous anon male:OP, sadly I am close to a similar situation and I can tell you that in cases of separation or divorce even two-year-olds pick up on the drastic changes in their parents' relationship and their own circumstances, and they are profoundly affected. I've witnessed the effects first-hand and to say they are very sad is an understatement.I understand the father's desire to move on and to enjoy an adult social life but even in amicable split-ups the transition from one home with two parents to two homes with one parent is a significant disruption to children of any age, so father needs to understand that at this time he needs to step back and be a dad first, second and third. What his son needs is as much stability and consistency as possible under conditions that are inherently otherwise, and if ex is going to be a malicious, vindictive female, then he simply has to suck it up for the sake of his son. The two-year-old didn't pick his mother, his father did, and unfortunately she is the only mother he will ever have. Kids are resilient, but no kid ever really recovers from his home being broken up; they adjust and go on, but they are fundamentally changed for life. Please let this be an advisory, not a good idea to get involved with recovering newly-divorced guys and not a good idea to get involved with fathers of small children. You will never come first, and should you have a child with such a man that will only add to the kid's anger and resentment towards his parents, and I know this from children of divorce now in their forties and fifties who were treated as strangers in their remarried non-custodial fathers' or mothers' homes while half-siblings enjoyed advantages that they knew they had no hope of ever experiencing or sharing. Hopefully you'll be able to learn and move on, while knowing you did what you needed to do for an innocent two-year-old who seems doomed to silently endure a hellish childhood caught in a tug-of-war between a bitter mother and a well-intentioned but not necessarily with-it father. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question To my knowledge everything was arranged with the custody issues..set schedules ect..when they finalized divorce.. So when we began dating, NONE of this was an issue at all. And he really seemed happy to be moving forward with his life. When the custody stuff came up and got biiter is when he did a 180. I can't help but wonder if you are correct about his X not liking the fact he was moving on....as this stuff came about not too long after we had been seeing one another. Coiencidence..possibly ? I have no way of really knowing and I know he would not of shared that with me. I agree that my presence in his life would be very unwelcomed, and i think that is fraction of why he didn't want to involve me in any of this. The child is only 2 so hopefully he will not have any memories of what is taking place. Thank you for your respose , its nice to have another persons views.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): It seems he is indeed stressed. Perhaps this is the time you could be there for him more and comfort him. He could really appreciate some support. You could lend him an ear when he needs to vent, cook him a nice meal, and just generally show him you have his back. He will appreciate this. Getting divorced isnt an easy thing, what more when an ex wants full custody of your child.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): "However..its been a month now and I have reached out a few times and get no response. Just not interested any me?Or just too much going on with his emotional stress?"
As a recently divorced father engaged in a custody dispute with a hostile ex-wife, at this time his son's best interests, emotional well-being, and long-term future take precedence over his love life.
I'd say it was a mistake for him to even begin dating another woman so soon given the emotional turmoil and psychological trauma visited upon any child of divorce, even absent a potentially prolonged and nasty custody battle. That his ex is taking him to court after all custody, support, and visitation arrangements should have been finalized as part of the divorce agreement suggests to me that perhaps ex is not happy he is seeing another woman, either out of genuine concern for her son (possible) or just plain soite and vengeance (more likely).
Whatever ex's motives, when you become involved with a divorced father of a minor child it is a package deal including both child and mother. For you to assume you are dating him in a vacuum is a very misguided presumption on your part. I politely suggest it would be best for you to back away for the sake of an innoncent child who has enough misery and anguish in his life right now; if his mother wants to use her son as a weapon aginst her ex, then your presence in his father's life will only be that much more intrusive and unwanted.
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