A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner of about 5 years told me that he feels bad but thinks he is in love with two women. He has known the other women since school. Up until now it’s not bothered me because ive always thought of her has his best friend.What brought the conversation on is that im pregnant so we're planning moving in together and all sorts of change in order to make a good life for our child but every plan he proposes includes her and i now feel like im not enough (i do know that friends offer a different type of support and have always respected that). He wants all of us together in a house or our place to be close to her because 'she keeps him sane' and 'he needs both of us' and 'wouldnt know what to do if one of us said he needs to pick' he also said that 'if i wasnt his girlfriend that she would be' he goes to her for cuddles when he’s down. Ive told him that she will at some point have her own life and things along that line but he says things like shes great with children. Im now really scared that im not going to be enough ever. he has always been really wonderful- supportive, never stops telling me he loves me and goes out of his way to make things comfortable for me when im unwell. Is the other woman something i need to accept?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): A 'best friend' - fine, that's one thing.
BUT
'if you weren't his girlfriend, she would be', 'cuddles'?!!
COME ON!
Him having those feelings might not be avoidable but these plans he has in mind ARE and I think they are totally inappropriate!! If you are uncomfortable this is not a time to go along with it. Would be best to confront any such arrangements sooner, rather than deciding to act later on down the line.
I don't doubt this mans love for you but I think he is taking advantage. For the sake of your child you'll need to choose the healthiest environment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Hell no! You don't have to accept ANYTHING of the sort. It's what you want to do...can you look past your husband affair with this other woman? Are you "allowed" to have an affair with another man? I mean, it really depends on YOU and what YOU want to do, but you don't have to accept that crap.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): I feel for you in this situation. It sounds as if you feel you might loose your partner of 5 years if you do not agree to his needs. And also by what you are saying it sunds as if you think that you owe him this after how nice he has been to you.
But I sense that you are not comforable with the idea of moving in with him and this other woman. You should never agree to anything that you do not feel comfortable with. You would probably not demand of him to move in with your best friend? It is perfectly reasonable of you to whant him to move in with only you to settle with his future family.
I imagine you would feel very hurt by his suggestion as you probably saw the two of you and your new baby living together in the future. The best thing to do is probably to sit him down and try to explain to him on his level how it makes you feel when you found his wish. Tell him your wishes for the future and show him what the two of you can build as a couple. To argue about this will probably drive him to seek comfort with his best friend. This is why I suggest that you talk to him calmly to really try to make him see the situation from your perspective.
You do not have to accept their need for such a close friendship. He has decided to have a baby with you. The reason that he tells you about his feeling for his friend might be that he is nervous about the prospect of being a father. Make sure that you let him know that you understand his feelings. But say that you will need his full support and that you can't have him doubting his future at this point. Pick the timing for this conversation carefully, when you are both relaxed and in a positive mind. Perhaps try to do as much fun activities as posible together as this will remind you both of how you first fell in love. Enjoy eachothers company befor the birth of your new baby, this will make him forget about ever doubting his feelings for you.
I really hope that you will work this out. For your babys sake and the future of your family.
You are always enough and capable!!
Take care
Lots of love
Elin
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): I have been there . My husband had another woman . I was heartbroken , but I needed to be loved wholeheartedly . Your husband has to choose ....my husband chose his mistress , and I started a new life with my children . I am more content , happier and my career has improved . I found my self esteem !
I feel for you .......follow your heart .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): He's been taking you for granted. Stick up for yourself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): No, it is not something you need to accept. You have been with him five years, but he wants her in the house or close by I DON'T THINK SO. You need to tell him how it is, at this point I am not even sure if he should be friends with her, I am not a fan of ultimatums, but I think this calls for one, and be prepared to stick by it.
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