A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a very thoughtful person, in the sense that I spend a lot of time picking apart every little detail and analyzing it. Sometimes this is good, sometimes it is bad and I can recognize that. When romantic relationships are concerned, I often spend a lot of time thinking of ways to better the relationship and how to make sure my partner is happy. When it comes to this, I am more of a people pleaser. Them first, me second.The guy I am dating (though not in any official committed relationship with, though I hope it becomes that) is an extremely sexual person. He also is very thoughtful which is what originally attracted me to him, but once sex was introduced that is all he has been on about. I've known "of" him for two years, dated for about two weeks, then after that we started sleeping together. Now everything, or all conversations, eventually ends up back at sex, or has to do something with sex.Don't get me wrong... my drive is high as well so I'm not complaining too much about it, but I can think of other things...My fear at this point is we will move way too fast and end up blowing up what we have/had going on. I don't want sex to be the focus of our relationship. It needs to be the sauce to the spaghetti, not the entire dish! I want to grow as a potential couple because I enjoy spending time with him and cherish how open and free his is. He says he hopes the relationship will grow into the same, but I question at this point if the only thing he wants is sex and is just say anything else to make sure I stay a little longer. I'm not saying I get that vibe from him, but I do fear it.My question is, should I just let things happen as they are naturally or tell him to cool it? I'm wary of bringing this conversation up with him because I don't want to push him away. If this were just a casual sexual relationship (which I'm ok with IF we specifically agree thats the only thing we want out of this) I would not care as much, but I would like for it to become more and he told me he wants it to become more.Or, maybe this is 100% typical at this point and I'm worrying about nothing? Maybe the one who needs to cool it is ME? Would love any advice, comments, or help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2015): First, I must commend you on being a person who does take the time to analyze what she's doing with her life and her heart. Reading your post tells me you're astute, and wise beyond your years. Always expect back what you give in-return in a relationship. Adjust your pace when you see you're giving more than you seem to get. They last longer that way.
It's generous to aim to please; but pleasure most go two ways. Everyone's needs should be met in reasonable doses; and giving should flow freely back and forth.
Don't consider being analytical bad, consider it wise. You heart can't think, so it will lead you blindly over a cliff. Over-thinking is what you want to avoid. Being too cautious will hold you back, when you need to move forward.
Or, if you find yourself lagging too far behind, when things are moving along naturally. Trying to predict what comes next. Allow for surprises. Without them relationships are boring.
You have to keep things in proper perspective; but you shouldn't put yourself second. It's sweet and selfless; but not if you get hurt in the process. Keep things balanced and adjust the pace when you feel you're being pushed too far, or too fast. That's exactly what you're doing; but he can't see that, because sex is a very powerful urge. It's primal. Sexual-attraction is a strong animal-instinct; but someone has to keep their head about it. In this case, it's you! Gently suggest he slow down to get to know you better in other ways.
If he brings the conversation to sex all the time; that's because at your age hormones are pretty high; and sex is pretty much on the mind of guys all the time. When the opportunity arises, some tend to get greedy.
You can ask him straight-out to chill a little on that and good behavior has it's rewards. He'll get the picture. He can't always expect sex on every date, and he's feeling you out to see just how often it's available. If you feel he's being too pushy just let him know you need to know a guy cares more about you than simply getting sex. If he's a decent guy, you shouldn't have to say that but once. Also make it abundantly clear that you hope there's more to him than that.
It isn't always the guy in a relationship that focuses on sex, but it's a good assumption that it usually is. It is how you deal with it that will keep his mind developing in the right direction. Letting him know that you want something more from him along emotional lines, not just physically. However; allow him to be a man. He is testing your attraction to him, but there is a respectful way to do that. So setting boundaries and coaching him will adjust how he approaches the topic; and how much is romantic and how much is bordering on too aggressive or crude.
It's safe to assume it is typical guy-behavior. He does have control over it, and that is how you measure his respect for you. You're a smart young lady, you deserve it.
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