A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really enjoy going out socialising and really love having a dance or meeting new people. I haven't been out for a long time because my boyfriend is older than me and has said he prefers staying in on the weekend than going out to drink. He's said he hates being in a packed pub and thinks it's like a 'meat market'. Well I work Saturday sometimes and he's told me today that he's going out drinking. I'm slightly annoyed, not because I'm insecure or don't want him having friends or fun, but because I've stopped going out because he doesn't like it.I spent a lot of money a couple of months ago on a hotel for the night in the city, thinking it would be nice to have a night out having fun. But ended up cancelling as he showed off so much and didn't want to go.I think it's really unfair that I sacrifice doing something I enjoy because he hates it but obviously doesn't. Do you think he's embarrassed of me? Or do you think he doesn't want me going out because he's insecure? Am I over reacting or would anybody feel really annoyed by this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2015): Thanks for your response. I think I do need to work on my self esteem. I work unsociable hours and its not an active job so put on about 20lbs which is bothering me. The walks in the country are nice and whenever we do anything we get on like a house on fire. He is very interesting and we don't stop chatting or laughing the whole time.But I need to go out and do more things with friends and family, the time I get off I should try and spend with them too. If he's offended by that then he'll have to start being understanding of it. My twin sister asked me to go to a Halloween party thats coming up and I was all excited because she wants to dress like the twins off the shining, which I thought was a fab idea! Lol. But he thought I was being a bit selfish by not asking him first or trying to make plans with him first.I just dont get why he would tell fibs about hating being in packed pubs, making out its something thats really not appealing to him. We cancelled going out before because he kept moaning about not wanting to go. I just don't understand it. He went out and got home at 8 this morning which I find worrying because he hasn't said where he stayed either. That's really bothering me so I dont know where to go from here. I think there's something going on, he text me when he got in and now he's not responding to texts.
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (11 October 2015):
 You have every right to have your own friends. And if you think he is 'lying' then you need to have a conversation about that.
Try arranging a few things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself. It might be Pilates or yoga. The walks in the country sound nice, but you need to address your issues of self esteem, and his issues trying to control what you do and who you see.
Make you life your own so that he will feel lucky to be with you. If he doesn't appreciate you then there will be plenty of others who will. Don't ever settle for a second-class existence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2015): I want to add a bit more info. When I met him I was a lot lighter than I am now and we went out to pubs quite a lot. I know when I was that weight people would look at me and he knew other people fancied me and he used to smile about it thinking he was with the girl everybody else wanted.The last time he took me out on a Saturday night a girl looked at me with a strange look and then started trying to dance with him. I felt really embarrassed because I could tell she thought she looks better than me. I tried not to let it get to me but it did. We don't see each other all the time, we don't live with each other so its not so much that we are in each others pockets or joined at the hip. Its just I've gotten to the stage where my free time on the weekends I would like to spend with him. He also gets a bit offended if I make plans with other people and I could be spending time with him.There was a big rugby game on this afternoon and the job I have I take calls for plumbers and electricians that pubs use when they have emergencies like blocked toilets and stuff. This one club called and said they had 1600 people in there tonight and its in the city I know he's gone to. So if he hates crowds and packed pubs so much why has he gone today.I think he's lying that he doesn't enjoy going out so its getting to me that he tells me that then waits until I cant go out because of work. Whenever he takes me somewhere now its to go walking or for a quiet drink in some country pub where older people are. Where his friends wouldn't be. I sometimes think I'm being paranoid but tonight it's getting to me a bit that he's embarrassed of me and not proud to be seen out with me anymore.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 October 2015):
 Plan a girl's night out. I would not stop going out with friends because I was dating. Now HE might not want to go out for a drink at the pub, doesn't mean YOU can't once in a while with a friend/friends.
You two aren't joined at the hip, so it's OK for EACH of you to do social things separate, though I would encourage that you also so some together. Might not be going to the pub, but there are plenty of other social things you can do and met new people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2015): He's not an introverted person, he enjoys being the centre of attention. He doesn't like me going out with my friends for the very reason I mentioned in my question. I've been out before and received lots of texts saying 'I hope you enjoy the meat market why do you want to be out with desperate men around you'. So I stopped going out, I started thinking maybe it was time I grew up and behave myself on a weekend rather than going out getting really drunk.I'm upset that we didn't go to that hotel because he told me how much of a terrible time he would be having and wouldn't enjoy it. I didn't get the money back. But now he's out doing something he makes out he hates so much to me.I don't mind him having friends, I want him to have friends and have a nice time. But he doesn't want me to have the same. He doesn't want me to go out nor does he want to take me out and go with me.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (10 October 2015):
Just because you are in a steady, stable relationship doesn't mean you have to give up your friends, your life or things you like doing.
As long as you keep him posted eg. if you are going to be in later than you said, all should be well.
If he wants to do something with his mates one night then fine.
You are together but that doesn't mean you have to be in each other's pockets the whole time.
He may be more introverted than you and crowds just wear out introverts. So talk. Agree what's fair, and be kind to each other.
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