A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it strange for your partner of 17 years not to add you on Facebook when he says it's for workmates ..which is a lie I've never met one person he works with in 8 years has been in the same job .By accident I came across a 3 year old Twitter account secret where he has been tweeting several times a day to a female had worked nights with for 8 years all hugs and kisses and thanks for visiting can't wait to see you tonite. Almost everyday him and ill txt you etc..He went on a night out and rolledin at 6am later i found out it was her leaving party ..five minutes before going out he was in the bathroom liking her pics of her slutty outfit when he was about to go see her..he had her number in his tablet but no one else except family ..when i confronted him he eventually told me he had been to visit her at home when she broke her leg with his workmates .the same week i was in hospital with pneuonnia ut he couldnt visit me ..secret twitter wont add me on facebook password on his phone and his phone is like a tattoo i once needed to use it to ring my mum while he was asleep in bed he woke and flew down the stairs grabbed the phone and rang my mum and took the phone back..weve not been intimate in anyway except an odd peck on the cheek for 3 years since he got busted ..this was two years ago i dont think anything physical happened but its the deceit and lies now its twice he went to visit her ..he said the tweets were a bit overboard but never apologized every few months she pops up again a few weeks ago i told him take her off twitter facebook and her number off your phone which he did ..i would have done it two years ago if id have been caught out ..he says were not intimate as hes not well and im not well and my daughter is in the bedroom downstairs ..but i need some intimacy not even even sex but a kiss and a cuddle to know he loves me.Its my house and my new car he drives around in I'm at the point where I don't want to get up till he's left for work and when I get in from work pretend to be asleep so I don't say what's on my mind and shes moved jobs and got a new man..but my gut says somethings not right i cant keep bringing it up as he gets defensive andsays im stalking him..occassionally i do check fbook to see if hes added her he hasnt ..then last week i asked him if hes watching porn as a 39 year old male doesnt stop having sex for 3 years he admitted he does occasionally..im no prude but i saw his browser history a few years ago and it was porn filth ..if he has a sex drive why cant he come near me yet watch porn..he wouldnt recognize me in a line up of three in underwear i feel like i dont even know him anymore he thinks everything is hunky dory ..but if hes done nothing wrong except hes just dim and a bit uneducated then ive lost the love of my life ..i just need to feel im wanted andloved or ask for my house and car keys back..sorry its epic but i havent spoken to anyone at all about this but the not knowing is making me ill i just want him to be hilonest but he knoes the score one strike and you are out so is he being shady or just being private ..and i wouldnt dream of adding him on facebook anyway but hes deleted the add friend button..but funnily enough all his new work colleagues are now friends with her so either hes introduced her or told them about her as there is no way she can possibly know them..any advicewould be helpful thanks to anyone taking the time to read it..it sounds like im being neurotic but so many things Put together make it sound very strange to me and shady
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2017):
 Enjoy your vacation!
And don't let him "borrow" your car and house while you are gone! Change the locks if he has a key.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): Good for you. Maintain this decision and attitude over the months to come. Don't soften and change your mind two weeks from now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I finally txt the woman 're : him visiting with workmates..she clarified ..he went twice and ALONE both times ..nothing happened ever and her dad was there..I confronted him politely and said I know the answer so time to man up..who went to visit. Eventually he said he went alone twice but didn't want to tell me as I'd take it the wrong way..so for 2 years he has lied barefaced to me lying saying he went with workmates..so i cant believe anything he said before or after so he's fine I showed him the door ..I'm going on holiday on my own next week. Honesty .trust .love and integrity ..failed on all points . Just a quick update thanks to everyone who supported me
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 Please do yourself and your daughter a favor and kick this waste off space out. He is using you for a car and a roof over his head and whatever else you do to support him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2017): I guess your reason for the post was to vent your frustrations and to seek a little sympathy.
As I said in my previous post; mature women can be quite stubborn when it comes to dealing with their bad mates. They will complain about how they are treated; but they will find every excuse they can not to rid themselves of a bad man; or they'll bury themselves in denial. They let fear of loneliness force them to make bad choices. As they say; "misery likes company."
This comes from the fear of being alone and the habit of having him around for so long. They can't imagine the thought of being alone on their own. They're often drama queens hooked on a home-made soap opera romance; or in a television-drama marriage.
You don't need his phone. If he knows you've been through it before; he'll be clever enough to delete his messages and change his pass-codes. My guess is he sweet-talks you and reassures you everything is okay; and makes you feel guilty for confronting him. You'll just back-off to avoid upsetting him, until the next big event. Silently suffering and craving his affection. Players have no conscience, they know how to manipulate you through your emotions.
You're well-conditioned to his bullsh*t! You've had 17 years of conditioning and brainwashing.
As for sticking-up for men; that isn't necessary for us good guys. That's what you have to do for the assh*les you want to keep. I'm no traitor to my gender. I set an example and praise the guys who are true men and positive male role-models. Guys who mentor young people, and teach boys how to be good men.
Many of the women who come to this site are usually in bad or troubled relationships. Judging by how they describe the treatment they receive and other clues; we can determine how to advise them. It's up to them to accept or dismiss it.
I make it my business to also give the guy the benefit of the doubt; especially when I can tell an insecure or needy female who sabotages her own relationships; or is so unsure of herself, she is the culprit behind her failed-relationships. Often dragging too much baggage from her past is the problem. There are two-sides to every story, we get one-sided information.
Men are not always to blame for bad relationships. We all have to see our own faults. I'm not perfect, and I have my faults and flaws. I know better from years of wisdom, and my character forces me to own my faults and to do something about them. I have an obligation to pass on what I've learned and experienced. I've been through much of what readers post about. If you can't trust him, you can't love him. If he's untrustworthy, he isn't worth the love.
I agree with every response you've received. I hope what has been offered will at some point sink-in. You have never even met anyone he works with. He's got you in the dark; and I think that's where you would rather be. Looking the other-way is the same as digging your own grave.
Sometimes you have to make a hard choice to protect your heart and preserve your dignity. Desperation turns us all into fools and cowards. People like that are never happy.
We're all hoping the best for you. Being alone is not a sentence to solitary confinement. Being single isn't plagued with loneliness. It's peacefulness, tranquility, a time for growth and rebirth; and the opportunity to bring better men into your life. Find yourself good lady-friends who may offer you some support. Look for what you desire and deserve; even if there is a gap in time to find him. You need that time alone to heal and repair yourself. It's time for self-improvement. You never change always leaning on somebody else!
Freedom and independence is also a part of a productive life. You also have to live for yourself; not always depending on men to make you feel safe.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 May 2017):
 You're seriously giving him ANOTHER chance?
This man IS NOT satisfying your needs, possibly cheating on you and using you for a free ride.
You may of been with him for 17 years but this doesn't mean he's the right man. I'm truly baffled as to how you've put up with this for so long.
What would seeing his phone achieve? Confirm that hes cheating? Maybe prove he isn't cheating, but even so he's not fulfilling the needs you require, so why are you settling for it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice it's everything I knew already especially the reply from the male perspective..I'm always saying men get bad press and stick up for them as I thought I had a good one but it just shows how wrong you can be ..if he says its all in your head once more or you need med's I might start with demanding his phone hey I'll even give him 24 hours to get rid of any shot on there that may hang him .thanks c everyone so good to get it off my chest
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 May 2017):
 Our wonderful Wiseowl has given such lovely advice I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to say coming in after him. He's marvelous, honest and always spot on so read his words carefully and consider what he is saying to you.
I understand that its hard to be alone, and its even harder to give up on a long term relationship, but sweetie...is ok to be alone. Sometimes being alone is far better than being with someone that doesn't love you or treat you right. Technically you are alone and you've been alone for quite awhile.
You are hanging onto a relationship where only one person is trying. Do you love yourself so little that you are willing to accept what tiny little morsels he occasionally throws your way? To be in a healthy relationship, you have to love YOURSELF first. You need to be loved, cared for an wanted...not just NEEDED.
We can only advise you, and hope that our words might get through. You deserve far better than what you are accepting. I went through a divorce in my late 40's and yes, I was scared and worried about being alone but I did JUST FINE...and you will too if you get rid of the weight around your name. Love yourself my dear...and take care of YOU. This man is taking care of HIM, and doesn't care about YOU. There's nothing else to say about it.
I wish you all the best. Life is short..too short to be with someone that doesn't care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2017): I think the real question you should be asking yourself, is why are you with him?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 May 2017):
I'd be extremely surprised if this man isn't cheating on you.
How have you put up with this for so long?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2017): It's uncanny that you're bringing up stuff you discovered about him years ago. Yet he's still with you???!!!
What can anyone advise you to do, but end the relationship?
Would you even bother to listen? You found all kinds of incriminating evidence and you allow the guy to use you. In spite of all you know, you hung on to him; and now complain about how lonely and hurt you are.
You are a mature woman. Not a child. You have the benefit of experience, and at this time in your life; you have seen and been through enough to know when to let go of someone who is bad for you. But alas! What do you tell an woman who stays with a man who is cheating on her; and yet she still clings to him hoping he will feel something for her?
Hon, you'd only settle for a kiss? Seriously? Then get a puppy or a kitten.
You give him a place to live and he drives around in your vehicle. Not only that, I'm certain that comes with home-cooking and a housekeeper. All this of course is provided and done by YOU! He's bought and paid for! All you get is the benefit of his physical presence, and nothing else.
Besides soap opera drama, what do you get out of this relationship?
The bragging-rights to say you're a mature-woman and you still have a man? What kind of a man? I have another name I would use besides calling him a man! I'll refrain our of respect; but allow your imagination to include all the foul names you can think of!
Wise-up, woman! Girlfriend, what's wrong with you? This guy better be young and hot! Not some wrinkled flabby balding old-geezer with a pie-back job; or worse...jobless!!!
You can't bribe feelings out of someone who doesn't care for you. If he goes against every value you have and defies every boundary you set; you get rid of him! You kick his sorry ass to the curb; and you realize you can do bad all by yourself!!!
Advice is not helpful unless you're willing to listen to it.
Mature-women can be pretty stubborn when it comes to men. They are afraid age limits their options, and it's better to have a lousy-loser of a man; than no man at all! Well, if that's your motto; keep him and keep complaining.
If he isn't giving you any affection, it is because he does not love you. If you find evidence that he is seeing another woman; that means he's a player, and he's only using you.
You may as well be alone and start over. Maybe you feel finding male-company won't be easy being over 50. But does that mean you have to put up with the worst crap men can throw at you? It's a matter of choice, not necessity.
Facebook has nothing to do with any of this. It is about common-sense and wisdom. You know better, and deserve better. If someone isn't lovingly giving you what you need without asking for it, and not even when you beg for it...you end the make-believe relationship you've created in your head. You throw him out!!!
The anxiety, frustration, and depression is going to affect your health, and shorten your life!!!
Worried you'll be alone? He's there in body only! Which, by the way, you don't get to touch!
You're already alone. So why are you putting up with the unnecessary bullsh*T??? We know what he gets. What's in it for you?
You need someone to give you a push? Well, here it is!
I can't wait to read the responses following mine!
Aunts and uncles, please help this poor sweet woman!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2017): I think it's quite clear cut and this might be hard for hear but I think you already know this in your gut .. I think your bf, has lost sexual desire for you and that has affect his intimacy and lack affection towards you -- he may still love her but not be in love you with -- he also has it very easy .. free lodgings .. and a new. Car to impress this girl with .. when she interested in him . Because being honest her interest couldn't have been that great or he would have moved on to his friend .My advice is ask him to move out .. since it's your home and your car and if your financial stable on your own, just get him out of your life . If he is unwilling to acknowledge your exsistance to work colleagues what does that say about you and him ? .. it means he has done this for a reason ?? . So let him be single .. show him the door .. yes it will be hard .. yes you will cry but aren't you doing that already .. ??
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2017):
Why is he still living OFF/WITH you?
He is acting shady - and seriously did you "swallow" that "I went to visit her with coworkers when she broke her leg but nothing has happened" because I'd call BS.
Sorry, I'd wish him well and kick him out.
YOU don't trust him (with good reason) and he is absolutely shady.
Go with your gut here.
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