A
male
age
36-40,
*oboaxe
writes:I'm in a really low place right now. I've been dating a girl for the past 4 months ( I'm 30 she's 26) and during the past month she's grown incredibly distant. She only texts me when I text her now, sometimes it takes her days to reply, she never calls now, and she never wants to make plans to see each other now, I always have to ask. But its frustrating because whenever we do talk over the phone she seems fine and we seem fine. I've straight up asked her if everything is ok with us and she says of course it is, why would I ask. But all of that came crashing down today. About a month ago she went on a business trip and then when she got back from one I went on one and when I returned she went on one. So it's literally been a month and a half since we've seen each other. So two days ago I texted her and we agreed to finally meet for lunch upon her arrival. On the phone 3 days prior to that she said she missed me. But the day of, she texts me after I ask where she'd like to meet at the restaurant and she says that she forgot, and that she made a business appointment at the same time we were supposed to see each other. She's never done this before and we've been on over 10 dates. I've spent the night at her place. I call her up and ask her if she's making excuses and she says of course she's not. That she is very direct and if she wanted to stop seeing me she would just tell me. A business call comes in right at that moment, she quickly says she has to take it and hangs up. I call 10 minutes later and she declines the call. I then send her a text saying I called to tell her I miss seeing her and good luck with her meeting. No reply.Another red flag was that just 3 weeks ago I asked over the phone if she'd like to change our whatsapp profile pictures to a picture of us and she happily agreed. Then days passed and she didn't. I changed mine and when I asked her to change hers she went silent. I called her a few days after that and she claimed her parents would get weird and start asking questions to see if I'm her boyfriend. I asked if she'd like to be in a relationship and she said not now that she is to busy. Maybe in a month. I laughed it off and changed subject but felt like shit.And you know what's really stupid? I have really strong feelings for her, I'd even say I've started to fall in love with her. And a few weeks ago I knew the feeling was mutual. She would text me every day, send me selfies, call me, send heart emojis, make plans to see me, etc. But now she replies with one or two word answers and is perpetually busy. We've discussed where we are in our relationship and we've both said we aren't seeing anybody else. But here she is, cancelling our first date in over a month having planned it two days prior the day of and with no offer to reschedule. And I was a wreck earlier today. So I know it's pretty much over between us. I just don't know if I should do anything else. I hate just "drifting apart" and cutting contact, but I feel if I call or text her again she'll only dislike me more.At the same time I don't know if I should just definitely tell her we're done. And it's kind of silly in the first place since were not "officially" going out on Facebook or anything. Or maybe wait and see if she says anything? Or just unfriend her, unfollow her, and block her from whatsapp.And on the flipside I'm moving out of the country in about a year so I don't even know if its even worth pursuing her or any other girl right now. I want to fall in love and have a real relationship so badly, I am so done with casual sex. I did that through my twenties and I feel incredibly empty now. But I also feel like I shouldn't start anything real because I've been moving every year for the past 3 years of my life. I know long distance relationships don't work (from personal experience actually, my very first girlfriend 10 years ago cheated on me when I was 3 days from seeing her from college summer break. Because of her I found this very site.)So is she worth pursuing further? Is it even worth moving on to someone else? Thank you for any help and I apologize for the length.
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male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (17 September 2018):
Roboaxe is verified as being by the original poster of the question You were all correct. She was clearly over me. I just didn't want to see it. I didn't contact her for over 10 days and heard nothing from her. I checked my Whatsapp and found out she had either blocked me or changed her number as the profile pic was blank. But I was feeling weak and sad so I tried calling her through Facebook when I saw she was online and she didn't answer. So I sent her a small message saying that I was sorry that I didn't believe that she "forgot" our date because of work related issues and that I'd like to talk to her. She saw the message and did not reply. So It's over. I just feel sad that yet another "relationship" has come to an end. Thanks for your advice. I wish I had been strong enough to just not say anything to her ever again and block her from everything.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2018): Three months is about the right time to work out if you want to develop a relationship further. I am sorry but clearly she didn't.
You want so badly to have a serious relationship you pinned your hopes on her and maybe she sensed that and backed off.
You will meet and find someone for a long term relationship when the time is right, with this lady I think you have to accept it wasn't to be and quite honestly if you heard from her again she will continue with her on off behaviour because she does not feel the same, for some reason she cooled off and unless you become her booty call I can't see her changing. If it was meant to be you would still be together, you weren't so keep your dignity and move on.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 September 2018):
 Her behavior is screaming that you are not that important to her. You make all the effort and she doesn't make any. Maybe she did at the start, but after a time apart she probably started forgetting about you. It has only been 10 dates and you are already asking her to change her picture. That is her choice and not something you should ask off her. Nothing stopping you changing yours but it is clear you want more and she is happy with the casual dating. You need to take a step back now and yes I would end things. A tip for the future would be to look out for these signs, and also to slow things down and try not to get to serious to quick as it can scare people away. I am sorry that it hasn't worked out for you, but please don't keep trying you are only going to hurt yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2018): Your story could be mine, without the leaving the country part. My girlfriend started first with not answering the phone calls. Then replies to texts went days before responding back. If there was something she needed, then she would be quick to respond. I understand the pain to have all your effort wasted. Someone who truly loves or cares for you will not do that to you. I would stop contacting her. She has already stopped contacting you. Get your life together for your trip abroad. Study the area and people who live there. So when you get there, you can enjoy your life there. Maybe even meet someone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2018):
 No, she is not. She is giving you massive hints that she can't be bothered, but you won't take them. Yes, she is going about it in a rather passive aggressive way,- we do not know whether to keep you on the back burner as a " just in case " or , simply, because letting people down and hurting their feelings is DIFFICULT and unpleasant for most people. Anyway, as other posters have said, actions speak louder than words and hers are clear enough. What does it even mean, " I cannot be in a relationship because I am busy "? If you are busy, you cannot hang out much, or go out on many dates, or take vacations together etc. etc. but you STILL can commit. You commit to a relationship where , alas, you won't be able to spend much time together, but it's still a relationship. There are tons of people who work long, inconvenient hours , and it's not like they are all single ! Take the hint, keep your dignity, and your wits about you, and let her go. It works in your favour , as a matter of fact. You say that you are leaving the country next year, AND that you don't do LDRs ; so what 's the point of cultivating on purpose strong attachments which will soon have to be terminated anyway ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2018):
 I'm sorry, but she isn't worth all the effort you are putting into this.
While she said, that she would tell you if she isn't interested... she has said it in words but her actions... they say - "nope I'm done, and if I just stop putting in ANY effort he will figure it out." Her actions are not those of a woman who is into a guy.
She already told you - I don't want to be in a relationship. What she meant was... with you.
If I were you I'd just stop contacting her all together. Take her picture of the two of you down, put your own back up and consider blocking her number/deleting it.
Sorry OP, you'd be wasting your time with this one.
LDR's rarely work, that is true. So maybe you should do like her and focus on work and the upcoming move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2018): Moving on can sometimes be difficult but now is the time to cancel your feelings.Dont focus on negatives but try to find something interesting in every new person you meet.Whatever the aspect try to find a reason why your day worked for you.And look forward to new bonding moments.Are you an uncle to youngsters.If yes, try to be a wonderful uncle to those kids.Also just remember to be glad that fading can be less hurtful than outright rejection so do a little bit of the fade slide yourself.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 September 2018):
 How exactly are you falling in love with her? She’s dodging you at every single possibility. I’m struggling to see how you’ve developed strong enough feelings to claim ‘love’ in 4 months.
I didn’t even need to read past your first paragraph to know that this is a lost cause. She’s not interested, it couldn’t be clearer. Stop wasting your time on her. Didn’t you think when she said ‘it would be weird if my parents thought you were my BF’ is enough to show that this isn’t going anywhere? Who describes it as ‘weird’ in regards to how their parents would feel about their daughters partner?
Move on.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (7 September 2018):
 Just stop. Dont degrade yourself by continuously pursuing her! Shes not being forthcoming, shes doing the fade and of course people are immature for doing it but actions speak louder than words. Shes not talking to you, shes cancelling plans, shes not initiating, what more do you need ? I dont think you should even call to talk or break it up as an adult (although i know you want closure). How she treats you should be clear sign of why you should and need move on.
Delete her number, unfriend her, focus on other aspects of your life. Hit the gym, see friends, etc. Youre also moving so this relationship would never even last ( shes already doing the fade in same city, imagine long distance). Because its a few months of dating i think she owes you explanation but shes not giving it you so just move on. I rarely suggest being prideful but you also got have some self respect yourself and just cut it off.
Dont go back if she begs. She sounds highly immature. Focus on the new upcoming move. Take break from dating, find hobbies, etc. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2018): If you think she is worth pursuing, then she is. Gosh, don’t give up too easily; she’s a really nice girl. One thing that I would point out is that you hardly know this women if you have only had 10 dates over 4 months. Possibly the way you are thinking and acting in this relationship is much farther ahead of where she wants to be at this time. Possibly she thinks she is acting normally (which is very slow in your opinion) or she thinks you are trying to push her too quickly and she is purposely doing things to slow down the progression of your relationship.I highly recommend that you pick up a book called “A Fine Romance” by Judith Sills. In chapter 6 there is a section called “The Switch”. Your girl friend is backing-off – she has done a Switch! Read that section very, very carefully. Better yet read the whole book – it will help immensely in your relationship with this girl or others, if it comes to that.Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 September 2018):
I don't see a point in persuing her further since this is how it makes you feel to pursue her. Talking doesn't seem to help. It's either not the right time or she's not the right person, but you're obviously barking up the wrong tree. Her words may be saying everything is okay, but actions speak louder than words.
How you end things kind of depends on you're personality type. If I was you I'd probably stop contacting her. If she doesn't contact you, you'll know how she feels.
If you flat out dump her that can make some people who dislike rejection try to win you back even if they don't actually want to be with you.
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