A
male
age
51-59,
* male reader
writes:I have been in a relationship for 9 years (6 years married) with my wife. We have five children in which the eldest was from another relationship before ours. We used to live in a three bedroom house which got too small for us to live in, so managed to get ourselves a bigger house. The problem I used to face was with the eldest - trying to bond like a stepfather for the child throwing back in my face and crying to his dad - making any form of relationship really hard to accepted. This happened three times and I felt scared of repeating this process. When we moved to the bigger house relationship I believed got better as we was not in each others faces. The two eldest children joined a sports club and my wife is involved with this club by working volunteer. Things was getting a bit pear shaped with our marriage this year. My wife was coming home from the club either tried or aching - and to me that is the red light on my intricacy level, also including when she was not well. I am a caring person so I thought sex was not to be performed - but, I was wrong. Working during the day I loved to spend my evening with my family. The wife would bring the children home stay for a bit and go to the club - in time this length of time at the club got longer. We both got ourselves into own cocoon. My wife was feeling neglected and I was feeling I was a drop off dad. On the Thursday my wife came home got into bed and said "This is not working". This threw me a bit. I was shocked. Friday came and in the evening we could not separate ourselves. Tears was flowing and a decision was made that we should separate ourselves from this tangled web. She was showing me signs of not wanting to give up and making it work. I cuddled her that night and early that morning before going to work. On the Saturday after work I went to live at my mother-in-laws house and began our trail separation. We were both feeling down and lost as our separation began. We still saw each other to talk normally and for me to see the children. Wednesday came and my wife appeared to be a different person. She talked on the phone and told me that the eldest child was sleeping at her mothers because of me not getting on with him (I and everybody else was told that it was easier to go to school and he had started a new school). She also told me that she rather stay out more because I was making it difficult for her to communicate with me. I don't know what to do is my marriage over or is it worth fighting - One day there was hope and another day she said she doesn't want to remain in this marriage. I did mention about divorce, but, she told me that was harsh. I love my wife so much and want this marriage to work but, I am scared now that within four days of separation she has told me that she is giving up. I am currently living at my mother-in-laws house which she only sleeps here two night a week and the eldest child still sleeps here on occasions. We are bonding better this way, but, with the present problem is this bonding too late to save my marriage. Is she still annoyed with me for letting it go this far. Is she tested me with the eldest child while I am at her mothers. Is she telling me have a hope of save our marriage or is she just not going to bother whatever I try. Why isn't she listening to my feelings, all that she told me was her feelings.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 There are two sides of the story and I am sure you have more to tell but don't want to bore us. From your post I couldn't tell what you did wrong. It sounds like you tried your best but there was a communication breakdown. She saw the end before you did. Her going to the gym was to distract herself from the stress, avoiding having to bring the subject up until she couldn't handle waiting anymore. Right now the separation is to figure out the pros and cons of staying married. I would say the biggest sting here is that she knows her son is not happy and as a mother she would do anything to make him happy again, if that means divorcing you.
You are bonding with the eldest son better because he knows you are separating. Maybe he feels a little bit guilty that he's the cause. I am sure that shouldn't be the reason why your wife is angry with you. If anything, it's usually the step dads who can't take the animosity and they are the ones who wanted to leave. I would take the risk and talk to the step son. Although I know the eldest son couldn't be that old and the ultimate decision is yours because you are the adult. I would ask him if he's happier to see the family apart or does he have any wish to reunite the family. I think his answer would influence your wife on getting back together.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I could hardly get through your submittal.... and it was just too much drama for me......
If'n I were in your predicament, I'd say to wifey: "It's been nice knowing you and spawning some offspring together... but I am just not prepared to endure the B/S that you claim is your (and "our") life.... so I'm going to live with my girlfriend, (her name, here). YOU can decide if you're ever going to be prepared to have a REAL "family" life... and, if so, I'd love to partake of it with you... BUT, short of that.... and as long as this B/S that we're enduring now continues... why don't you just leave me alone?????"
That should work...
Good luck...
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