A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello, i just need some advice.well theres a girl iv liked since last summer, i offen smile and look whenever i see her, she sometimes smiles bk, but iv never had the chance to say anything to her thro being shy or not knowing how to break into a conversion.well the other week some friends of mine let her know i fancy her like crazy, but because im shy i find it hard to say hi or talk to her, i just wanna hide whenever i see her now cause im embarrassed that she knows. i do always smile and look at her when i see her tho. well after a week of getting annoyed with myself for not having the courage to say anything to her about me wanting to say hi and wanting to ask her out (my friends have been telling me to ask her out for a while). i finally plucked up the courage to give her a valentines card with my number and would she like to go out sometime writen inside it, she wasnt embarrassed by it at all.we've exchanged a few txts since then and iv asked her out again but i said if your not interested then dont worry bout hurting my feeling, im a bloke, but she dint reply bk. im starting to think that either shes playing hard to get or isnt interested and i dunno wot to do. im unsure about keeping on asking if she wants to go out thro txt or when i talk to her at work cause i dont wanna scare her off by being stalker'ish, if u know wot i mean.
View related questions:
at work, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I think your problem is in this statement "if your not interested then dont worry bout hurting my feeling, im a bloke." Don't worry about it?! She might interpret that as you saying that it is no big deal to you whether she goes out with you or not. Like you don't care either way. That's a big no no! And mentioning your feelings?! I mean of course it would hurt your feelings if she says no, but that's personal, you don't know her well enough and so you shouldn't let her know about it or even mention it.
Look, if you like a girl you got to show her that you want her. You can't let her know that your indifferent to it either way or talk about your feelings being hurt or not. Don't talk about feelings at all. On the contrary! You gotta muster up the courage to be alot more confident. You say "I would love to go out with you. Can I take you out?" PERIOD. Never mention the "what if's" and "if you don't want to..." No way. And so what if she says no? But you must initially never show your lack of confidence or wear your heart on your sleeve like that, no matter how shy you are.
And another thing for future reference. Girls like a guy who takes charge. I mean you like her, yet you have been leaving the ball in her court to decide to call you. That also is a big NO. You are saying "I like you, so call me." NO. If you like her, you should call her and initiate a date and everything else. You have got to take charge and you got to do the work and show interest, regardless of whether you are unsure about how she feels. Don't just tell her you like her and then expect her do all the work. NO. Again you are giving her the idea that you don't like her enough.
Now what I would do at this point is talk to her and DON'T ask her about the text. Cause then you might seem too eager. Some things are better left in the past. Furthermore, you don't want to start grilling her on why she didn't call you back, blah blah blah. That's a turn off. Just forget about the text. Start fresh. And talk to her, find out about something that's going on this weekend and invite her. Do it casually and don't mention anything of the past. And hopefully she will say yes and go out with you.
A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (16 February 2008):
 Hey mate,
As the brilliant song by The Audition goes "Don't Be Too Hard On Yourself"!
First, relax. And smile - you got a Valentine's card to her with your number in it and she responded positively by sending you messages back. That is a pretty major achievement for a shy guy - so give yourself some credit for it. You have done pretty well for yourself... but you did something that makes women and girls very uncomfortable...
You drew attention to your insecurities.
Nope that's fine, you can let your vulnerabilities come out after a few months of dating a girl, when your both highly comfortable with each other. But when first getting to know a girl, that is something you do not want to do.
Saying something like "it's alright if you're not interested, you won't hurt my feelings" is wrong for many reasons.
Here you've drawn attention to your feelings and you've also made her feel really guilty. You're feelings were never an issue to her, but by saying this to her she now knows you are fragile.She would likely now worry about hurting you, even though you said don't worry. She would guess you would be a nightmare boyfriend by having to be careful what she said and did around you in case it upset you.
Think of it this way "Whatever you do, don't look in this box... there's nothing inside but you don't need to look in the box because its empty"... guess what? Everyone is going to wonder what's in the box!? And they're going to think its something that they shouldn't see - in your case a bad emotion.
Also, you've thrown the social balance out the window. You've lowered your position from being equals and you've elevated her above you... "I fully expect you to reject me so don't worry about it". Most people want equal partners that compliment their lives.
On another level you don't want to make her feel comfortable in rejecting you THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT!!! You want her to say yes.
In short you've identified that you are shy and you need to take action for this. You firstly need to understand there are great qualities about you - those are the qualities that draw people to you. "But I don't have any"... yes you do and until you realise them and are happy with yourself - it will be hard to find anyone else to be happy with you.
That's confidence. Being happy with yourself, they way you are, the way you speak and behave... all about you. You know your feelings and thoughts and aren't fearful of rejection - why? Because rejeection is taken too personally, like there is something wrong with an aspect of you... but when you are happy with yourself rejection doesn't work. You won't feel insecure or shy. You could be told that you are wearing a really awful shirt, but that doesn't phase you - its someone else's OPINION and they can have it, you know its a shirt you like and it makes you feel good.
There are many books on this subject and it would be a good idea to invest. AS for this girl, it may be sbest to leave her for a while and they try to be friendly again on a face-to-face level.
Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): i wrote the question.
i dont agree on your answer tbh, i dont see how iv prejudged her, iv said to her iv love to go out with u, i dont wanna put pressure on her to go out with me cause i'll be dissapointed, ofcourse i'll be dissapointed if she doesnt want to, but i dont wanna her to feel like she as too because of me saying something like that. i want to go out with and i would hope she would like to go out with me. yes i gave her a get-out clause with the "if your not interested then no worrys about saying that"
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 February 2008):
 You have a defeatist attitude.You should not have added these words .."if your not interested then don't worry bout hurting my feeling, im a bloke!"Now, suffer the consequences.
You have prejudged her. You should have said, "if you do not accept my invitations I would be terribly disappointed and heart broken."
That would have made her feel more important.This shows your sincerity in wanting her to come along. This is only a play on words and in actual fact, nothing of this sorts will happen to you.LOL! You only sweet talk her.
Now, your fragile heart is broken
...............................
|
