A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi,I met this girl online...we exchanged numbers and started talking on the phone almost everyday for about a year and a half!we had intimate conversations.. she told me everything of her past relatioships..(she still talks to a lot of guys whom she says are just frds)....she's also told me how her mom ill treats her at home..how one of her ex boy frds raped her.I told her a lot abt myself too ,i really opened up to her...she was funny smart intelligent and awesome!!when i heard she was leaving the country i was desperate to meet her...so we arranged a date and i went to her city.Nothing about this meet went as i had planned, things started going awry rite from the very begining, finally it ended with her getting pissed off for something i said and she walked out on me at a cafe.After a week she starts calling me again and starts talking as if nothing's ever happened...!!i obviously still have feelings for her!!!what's her deal...are these pity calls or is she just playing me?..am i just another guy she met online??PS:i was in such an emotional mess after my trip..that i enrolled myself into the foreign university she's flying off to in a week...!!i'll have to leave the country too in a month!!I know it was very stupid of me..but i was smitten with her!how i do act around her once i reach there??
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exchanged numbers, her ex, her past, met online, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): hey, im the same person who posted before as anonymous: and my advice to you is: i know how hard it is for you now, i know what happens when you like someone, but think of it- its your life. dont let anyone decide whether you should be happy or sad or decided what your thinking about. i ges she too is messed up in the head and probably going through the same dilemma as you, and as girls we never want to leave things hanging, we want a definite happening which is why i think she said she had mixed feelings for you- confessed it once and for all. we also tend to be diplomatic and try hard to conceal our feelings for guys, and becasue she calls you so many times, it is but natural for her to try and justify why she is calling. now whats happened has happned. as of now, try to detatch yourself slowly, becasue at the moment you seem to attach to probably come to a decision. I always thought guys never thought taht much but i think im kinda wrong there. i dont think she calls you out of pity- no way- not if she calls you so many times. either she feels guilty and really wants things normal between ul cos she has realised what a nice guy u are. as of now, behave normally in univ, dont ever blabber on and on as tahts wat tends to happen at times when you like someone, and dont always take all her calls cos you dont want her getting tooooooo clingy, the reason i ges she says she has mixed feelings about you is cos shes not sure what you feel about her and where your relation is going. no one wants to lose a friend unless theyre really sure that it can get better. once again, its your life, people will come and go, change always exists. its easier said than done, but college is wayyyyy more imp than the girl, cos ur grades are in ur hand, but what happens between ul entirely isnt. so why not try ur best with what ur sure you can excel if you work?
~ zinz (you can call me that for now)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): Well I realized the hard way...that I shouldn't chase someone who only saw me as a convenient friend. Maybe it works out for you, but I doubt. Then again who knows. Well good luck to you, either way ^^
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Think about yourself right now and YOUR needs, you need to have your head screwed on or this move to this university is going to be a major flop.
You must consider your future no matter what as girls come and go but your education is important.
The fact that she has said about not paying attention to her whilst you were in the cafe is immaturity and obviously she craves the attention all the time. No one can be that full on ALL of the time. She needs to understand that you were there with her because you wanted to be and also going to the same university is because you want to see if things are going to work out or not. You are the one making major sacrifices here so she needs to acknowledge that.
Don't close yourself off to anyone else, if things don't work out then be prepared to let others help you OK.
Let her know that you care for her otherwise you wouldn't have made this massive move, but at the same time she needs to be able to support you as well as you are going to be in a strange country and you need her help to.
Only time will tell in all of this. Just keep talking and don't let her dictate the terms of your friendship or relationship if it goes that way.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous :i did try bringing up the topic in 1 or 2 conversations of ours after our terrible date..but she puts it away saying she has mixed feelings for me now and all she wants is for us to start talking the way we used to...does she say tht outta pity??once she even said something like "iam calling u up coz i feel soo guilty that we havent spoken for such a long time"!!ITS she who calls me up 9/10 times!!
@everyone:I know iam in a total mess...i know how stupid and crazy iam for enrolling myself into tht university..but it was something i did in the heat of the moment..was thinking staright!!!what i need u guys to temme is how iam supposed to behave with her if iam to fix this??i only have a week...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know enrolling into that univ just for her sake was a lil over the top and a big big blunder...!!
@country woman:but sadly it cannot be undone..i'll be flying out in a week..!!yeah..she s a lil immatured and childish ...she s mean to people at times..but she can be equally sweet!!moreover i like her the way she is..she did justify her actions in an email she sent me..saying its coz i wasnt paying attention to her at the cafe..
yesteday she called me up sayin she found out i got into the same univ as hers..she helped me with my pre departure shoppings lists...we talked for like an hr and a half..and all thru the conversation i acted cool ....and she kept talking like her usual self!!is that good thing??
@JasonX:so u had a similar situation as mine...how did ur story end??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): and- to add to the last answer, i agree with the earlier aunt that she seems to be using you as a comfort toy. she may not even look at you more than a friend, maybe its only you who's thinking of your relationship in that way. WHen she needs you, she talks, i dont think thats fair. The fact that she walked out on you- do you honestly want to give her more chances where she can hurt you? trust me, goiong to the same univ only because of her- in that way youll be hooked onto her forever and wont be able to move on. If you feel you can handle such a situation well, then go on, at the end of it, its all your decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): dont let her dictate your life! i dont think she's playing you, but some people prefer endiing a heated situation by pretending nothing ever happened- its part of their personality. WHen she got pissed off, was it your fault or hers? do you repent pissing her off? i suggest the next time you speak to her on the phone, if it was your fault and you repent it, tell her that u wanted to talk about what happened that day when ul met, and that ur really sorry in case u hurt her. if, on the other hand you were hurt in the bargain, tell her that you were relaly hurt and the one week ul din talk had been bad for you and it sorta confused you when she spoke as if nothing ever really happened. Say it to her, you need to sort things out before moving ahead with even the friendship. But i feeel enrolling in the university just cos she's tehre- thats a bit too much, why let someoen else dictate your life and your choices? you must be really crazy about her to make such a decision. does she call you generally or are you the one to make the move?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): Hello!
What I am about to say, I'm not sure if I am right or wrong...but before I even reached half way into your story I somehow knew what was coming. I can be bold to say that I was in a similar situation but not quite exactly.
So you are wondering what you are to her...you are her comfort toy. You will be there for her whenever she needs you and nothing more. Whatever hopes you have of being with her aren't possible at this point...a year and a half is impressive but you may have taken too long to pursue anything more than the borders of friendship.
So what to do...you are obviously hooked on her...but at this rate its not going to work out. When you are around her try not to be there for her whenever she needs...try not to talk to her. Try to meet other girls. I'm not sure what's gonna happen (either the girl you like grows feelings for you or you meet a rly nice girl) but maybe some other Aunt can offer help on what you should do.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 July 2009):
I think you need to put your own needs first.
Someone who you have met online and who confesses to you that she is in touch with several other guys is not someone I would rate as anyone who would want a long lasting relationship.
Is there any reason why you HAVE to go to this university she is flying off to or could you decide to go somewhere nearer to your home or somewhere you feel more comfortable. Don't bank on her as this could be a huge mistake and then you are in a foreign country away from people you know and trust and it could be a lot of pressure on your shoulders.
You say she ended up getting pissed off and walking out on you, that is just plain bad manners and sounds very immature to me. The fact that she has not discussed it since means that she thinks she can win you around, I would bring it up and ask her what the problem was, if she avoids it again, then you have your answer, if however she does explain it and you see her point of view then maybe there is a chance of friendship, however I still think going to the country where she is going to be is putting all your eggs in one basket and that can be very dangerous as you have no back up plan if things go terribly wrong.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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