A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have recently started seeing a girl at my work placement. I've known her for less than a year, and we started seeing each other about 6 weeks ago. She is great, and I really like her. We have quite a bit in common, and we seem to get on really well. We've been on a few dates; gone out for drinks/coffee and been to dinner once. The last two weeks, however, I have been getting a vibe that she may now want less from this than what I do i.e., a relationship. I have asked her a few times about going out again, but she doesn't seem to want to. She may not reply to my messages for a couple of days (whereas before, responses would come as typically as one might expect). She asks if we can do something another day, but that day never really comes. Plus a lot of my messages are quite benign, like "how are you doing"?I guess it I am finding it difficult to know where I stand. I've managed to keep all my insecurities at bay, but I did ask her once if she was still interested? She said she was, and that she just had a lot going on for her. I told her I would help her out if she needed it, but like I said, I'm getting a vibe she isn't. I told her that I haven't had a girlfriend before, and I am thinking that might have put her off. Or maybe something else.I feel like I need to add that it is, obviously, okay if she isn't interested anymore. I don't bombard her with messages at all, nor does she owe me anything. But I guess I'm a little discouraged by all this, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I really like her, and I would be upset about it not going any further. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): "She asks if we can do something another day, but that day never really comes. Plus a lot of my messages are quite benign, like "how are you doing"?"
Loose translation:
"I gave it a try, but we just don't click. I'm not really interested; but thanks all the same!"
"She said she was, and that she just had a lot going on for her."
Loose translation:
Please take a hint...there's a delay in my responses to your messages for a reason! I'm trying not to hurt your feelings! This is getting awkward!"
" I told her that I haven't had a girlfriend before, and I am thinking that might have put her off."
This sounds sad, and a little desperate...also somewhat presumptuous!!!
She wasn't thinking along those lines; just because you've gone-out a few times. You are hinting about a "relationship;" when she hardly knows you. It has not been established in what way she likes you. You can work with someone for years, you don't really know them on a personal-basis; until you've spent quality-time getting to know each-other over a period of time, aside from your professional connections. We all have our work-face and business-persona. It's not the real you! It's not the person you are when away from your job.
She may have only considered the outings as two co-workers hanging-out; but not as official romantic dates. Once she realized you were seeing it as more; maybe she didn't know how to back her way out of it. So when asked if she is interested, what could she say? You seem like a nice-guy, so there was no harm in hanging-out with you. She pumped the brakes just soon enough as not to lead you on, or allow your feelings to get too attached. She wants it known, without any presumption, that she is not your girlfriend; and didn't commit to anything by going out a few times. Much also depends on how you managed to get her to go out with you. If you didn't lead her to believe it was just a friendly-hangout between two co-workers, with no strings attached. That would be clever, but deceptive.
Don't text her anymore, and don't show any emotion about it. Politely smile as usual. I don't mean a forced creepy grin or a smirk!!! Remain cordial and professional at work, and move on. Show no hard-feelings. Let her know all is fine. Move forward.
She gave it a try, and was nice enough to agree to going out with you. Telling her you never had a girlfriend before, almost implied you considered her your girlfriend; and that may have spooked her a little. It is somewhat evident, without saying, she doesn't want a relationship with you. Perhaps with no-one at this point in time. It's never wise to date people you work with anyway. Because of the potential for awkwardness, gossip, or drama; if and/or when things don't go well.
Don't take it in a bad-way; you're a big-boy, and you know people don't have to like us just because we like them. Your pride has been deflated a little, and you feel disappointed; but be man enough to take the subtle rejection with dignity. The fact you've never had a girlfriend before is not something necessary to share. At your age, to admit that scares people a little. The first thought is to wonder why? That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you; but our human nature is naturally curious, suspicious (a natural-instinct for self-preservation), and judgmental.
I don't recommend using your job for a dating pool. You have to face the awkwardness and embarrassment of rejection every-time you see each-other. If you form a more serious and exclusive romantic-connection, and things go badly; now your personal-life conflicts with your professional-life. If things really go south, you don't know if the failed love-connection could turn on you; and make your personal-problems a work-related problem, to be resolved by your HR department. The best remedy, or recourse, at your employer's disposal would be termination. Of one, or the both of you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): Sorry to say that she's not interested in a relationship, but she is avoiding the awkwardness of directly telling you. She's just hoping you'll get the message eventually.
You sound like a great guy. It could be because you said you haven't had a gf before, but who really knows? The right girl will appreciate your honesty about that. She might not want to be tied down to one person. Please don't think it's a reflection on you. You sound like the kind of guy a lot of girls would love the chance to get to know better.
I'd give up on having anything with this particular girl.. but I know there's someone round the corner for you ?? Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): "I guess I am finding it difficult to know where I stand."
You know exactly where you stand OP; you're just afraid of the answer because you have never had a relationship before this and you were really hoping that this might be it. But it's not. She is clearly not that into you. "She said that she has a lot going on for her" is basically a re-phrase of, 'its not you, it's me'.
Time to move on OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2022):
 Back off completely.
If you see her at work give her a nod or a hello and go about your business.
She isn't interested.
If she was she would keep the conversations going after work and wanting to see you and speak to you. Seems like she isn't putting in ANY effort whatsoever. That is no way to have a relationship.
If you back off, she will either contact you to see what's up (and then you can tell her that you were just giving her some space and the chance for HER to plan a date/time to hang out again) - if she DOESN'T contact you, then you know that it's over and you are now FREE to pursue someone else.
This is exactly why "office or workplace romances" are a BAD idea. Because if it doesn't work out you still have to see them on a daily basis.
Chin up, she might not BE the one for you. Better find that out now than 6 months in when you are deeply invested emotionally. It's still VERY early days.
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