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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I need advice on how to approche this situation.May husband has almost no friends. He moved a lot when he was a kid and it was difficult for him to make any connections.His also a bit socially anxious the way sole men can be. His ego gets bruised easily and he avoids some people.Anyway, when he was in high-school he made a friend. When I met him some 15 years later, the guy (let's call him Mike) seemed OK. As I got to know him better I noticed certain things. He was married and seemed like a good husband but as the time went by it was obvious how strained his marriage was. He had a great job but I soon realised that he was making a much bigger deal out of it than it really was... Little by little the mask started falling off.At some point my husband told me that when they were hanging out at his place Mike stole a couple of things from him when they were about 19. Not beause he wanted to use them, but because he didn't want my husband to have them. He also scratched his scouter. I was appaled. As I said my husband didn't have many friends so I guess he let it slide.About 7 years ago, as we were approaching the late 30's Mike got a kid and his life fell apart and so did his image.It turned out that he lied about wanting the kid, he lied about his job (he got fired and has been uninmplyed since then living off of others) and he started cheating on his wife. Everything was always somebody else's fault. He even lied about being bipolar because than he was off the hook for everything he had done. He found ways to pay less child support... He started living with his mistress hoping that he would find someone better. Seven years later they are still together and he is cheating on her. And she is a nightmare. She's aggressive and does things like showing up uninvited, making scenes... Mike uses her as a protection. She does his dirty work and he is always the one who is cool.Anyway, my husband told Mike after a particularly bad incident that she had provoked that they can hang out together but without her. Mike accepted that. It turned out that mu husband wasn't the first friend to ask for something like that.My husband would see Mike from time to time but he would always come back drained with pretty bad stories and negative attitude towards Mike.Remember he has no friends. We hang out either with my friends or friends we have made as a couple. Covid19 changed a lot of things and my husband started feeling lonelier than ever. We agreed that we would never invite Mike to our house in the country - my husband's idea- because of their history (stealing and destroying property) and because Mike has a tendency to say he would come alone and then show up with his gf. One other thing, he swindled both his parents and his sister for money. He cares a lot about money and always has some big plans. He just doesn't work.And now my husband changed his mind. He wants to invite Mike to stay with us for a week of our wedding anniversary.Hence my need for advice.I don't know what to do.If it were my friend I wouldn't want this person or his drama around. I think that he is dangerous.I do not want to play hostess to that man. I don't want to cook for him and take care of him as I usually do with my guests. I don't want to pay for his stay. Because that is what he expects from his hosts.When my mother in law came to stay with us we all got tested for covid even though we are all vaccinated. She is old and I am immunicompromised due to some meds I have to take. Mike is a liar. I don't believe anything he says. He would probably be offended if we asked to see a negative test. Not yo mention that you can fake one easily.My husband is lonely and that is the only reason that he tolerates Mike. He said so himself.My husband knows where I stand. Everything I told you my husband knows.We are still going to talk about this and I won't change my mind. I don't want to make my husband feel blackmailed but I don't want to go if Mike goes. My husband is a good guy and I know that he yearns for making connection with people and having friends. I get that. But I would never call Mike " a friend".Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): First of all, your marriage comes before friendships. If you seem wishy-washy about Mike staying, your husband will make the final decision; and you will have this poor excuse for a human being living in your house; and your next post will be asking DC how to evict the guy...and his wicked girlfriend! You're getting a two for one! You invite him, and you've also invited her; and a legion of the other tag-along demons he'd drag into your life!!!
Your husband should not make huge decisions about people living in your house without your 100% approval; and if you waiver your input, or remain silent; don't blame him if he presumptuously gives Mike the greenlight to screw him again. Your husband should go make some friends; instead of clinging to a guy he knows would stab him in the back at any given opportunity. Trust me, and you will feel the stabbing just as bad; because all that Mike does under your roof affects you too!
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU KNOWINGLY INVITE THE DEVIL INTO YOUR HOUSE!!!
If I were in your shoes, there would be an adamant NO-GO for Mike, and I would be ABSOLUTELY IMMOVEABLE AND INFLEXIBLE about it! In fact, I would be so serious, he would know it will have a profound impact on your marriage. I seriously believe that it would; because you have solid evidence through past experience. Your husband is not making a sound decision; and he is inviting hell into your home and marriage. Your job (and right) as his wife and partner, is to help him to make sound decisions; that will not hurt your marriage, or destroy the harmony in your home. Moving people into your house is neither his or your decision to make alone. That is done through mutual-agreement. Lest you have a marriage where he makes all the decisions; and you agree and submit in silence.
Glad it's not me, because when Mike moves in, I'm moving out!!! I wouldn't even consider it for a few days. Days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years! From what you've described about Mike, he'd never cross the threshold of my home!
I don't mean to provoke any arguments, or instigate trouble in your marriage. I'm sounding alarms and sending warnings; based on your comments in your post about Mike! Not like you don't know already, but it seems you're going along only because your husband has no friends.
Mike...IS...NOT...a...friend!!! He is a disaster waiting to happen! Forgive my excessive use of capital letters. How do you convey this or emphasize the point I'm trying to make in writing only??? Can you feel the heat radiating from my words? They're on fire!!!
You see the devil just drooling and anxious to slide his way into your life, and you're going to just sit there because your husband has no friends?!! If Mike gets his way, he probably won't have a wife or a home either!!!
Even the Bible says "Do not be so deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communion, associations) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character.~ 1 Corinthians 15:33
If you do not approve, now is the time to say so. Not after Mike has moved-in, and has torn your lives apart.
Oh, you just don't know how serious I am with this advice!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): You're a smart perceptive woman. Trust your gut. You are 100% right about Mike!
Your husband is lonely and vulnerable to being used. Mike is a narcissist, maybe even a psychopath. He has zero regard for anyone in his life! No moral compass.
No way do you want this pathetic parasite in your country home. Can't you and your husband join a club or some kind of group, ANYTHING but have that total loser in your lives.
Failure as a husband, father, son, friend... a thief, a manipulator, a liar.. I sadly feel like I know Mike already. So many Mikes in this world!
Sit your husband down.. talk to him about your very legitimate feelings, offer to join a group with him. Explain Mike is dangerous. You are right, he IS!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): Pardon me but I feel you make it more complicated than necessary,while it is actually a very simple issue.
You do not like Mike ( and your husband knows that ).You do not trust Mike ( and your husband knows that ) You don't want to spend money ,time or energy on Mike ( and your husband should know that but if he does not, tell him ).Ergo, Mike cannot be your guest and does not get to come over.You and your husband are a couple and that also means that your guests must be approved by both of you. While of course you cannot and should not dictate whom your husband can go out with when you aren't there , you can very well decide who gets to be a guest in your house ,or does not, and also who gets to share your vacation ,or does not, when you are present.
As for your husband's loneliness - but he is not so desperate for company that including Mike is a must ! He *has * friends- your friends , or friendships you made together as a couple. And he has you .He is not socially isolated, so, quite frankly, I do not understand the whole song and dance about the school years friend.It's not mandatory having friends from childhood or from high school, it may be more usual in small towns or rural area, but for city dwellers is a rare exception-and we get by just fine all the same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2022):
 He is coming to stay for YOUR anniversary? WTF!? Why?
Sorry, that sounds harsh. Taking a deep breath here lol.
Ok, here is what I would do.
I would sit your husband down and tell him this. IF Mike comes for a week, YOU will be staying elsewhere for that week. You will be packing up ALL YOUR valuables and store them elsewhere - at family or trusted friend.
I would also tell him:
"I do not want to play hostess to that man. I don't want to cook for him and take care of him as I usually do with my guests. I don't want to pay for his stay. Because that is what he expects from his hosts."
And:
"My husband is a good guy and I know that". He is a good guy but not a good husband in this case. Mike is a leech. He knows it, you know it, Mike even knows it.
Then your husband can CHOOSE. DO you go or stay?
If he can't tell Mike no, then you go. Hopefully, you have a friend or family you can stay with close enough to work, if not, a hotel it is.
Not the best solution but that is what I would do.
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