A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need to know whether to tell my friend about the encounter I had with her boyfriend….My friend has been going out with this guy for 4 years. I’m not too keen on him, there’s something about him that’s doesn’t sit right with me - but I never mentioned it to my friend.He’s lazy, he can’t hold down a job and ended up being kicked out of his flat as he didn’t have any rent money so he moved in with my friend. He doesn’t pay towards any bills or shopping, nor does he help clean or cook.A few week back I was in town - doing some shopping. I stupidly tagged myself in it, on my Facebook so everyone knew where I was and oddly enough about 40 minutes later I bump in to my friends boyfriend (I’mfriends with himOn Facebook). Lesson learned- never will I tag myself in anywhere again!He stopped to chat - telling me he was trying to find my friend a birthday present as her birthday was coming up . He proceeded to tell me know he wanted to buy her this bracelet but couldn’t afford it and was hinting that I’d give him some money and then asked me out right. Now I can’t afford to give him £50 for a bracelet- I thought it was rude of him to ask me. He kept telling me he’d pay me back and wanted me to go with him to the shop to prove he was buying her a gift- I told him no that I didn’t have that much money spare to lend him. He then asked me to buy her a gift on his behalf and promised to pay me back. To shut him up I agreed.We found something she would like within budget (£20) and I bought it and gave it him to give to her. She doesn’t know any of this. Now he’s paid me back half and said he’ll pay the rest back next month.Now to be honest I’m not particularly bothered if he pays me back or not- what bothers me is his persistence in asking me for money and the cheek of it. I’m worried it will happen again - obviously I’ll say no - the only reason I agreed this time was because it was to buy something for my friend. Part of me feels my friend should know (if it was me I’d want to know) but part of me doesn’t want to make things awkward if I tell her.What shall I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): You say you are worried he will ask for money again and obviously you will say no. Why is that obvious? You should have said no the first time and were silly enough to say yes then. You will be silly enough again I guarantee it.
He is a loser, a user, a predator, and you are allowing him to do this to you too. You don't need to be nice to him and he would hardly have been able to go and complain about you to your friend and say hey, guess what, your mean friend would not lend/give me money. He would have had to keep this between you and him. Why on earth did you say yes???? And people don't go to the shops to buy things if they have no money.
He had no idea he would bump into you and be able to ask you for money. What had he planned, to go into the shop and nag the shop assistant to let him owe the money? No. What would he have done if he had not bumped into you? He would have had to cope somehow without you. You should have let him.
Then he would think twice about continually relying on others for money etc. You are an enabler, you make it easy for him to be lazy and leech. You are also a people pleaser, it was dumb.
Never mind about I cannot spare £20, you should have said that you never lend people money. Not tell lies about how you cannot afford it as if you need permission and a good excuse to say no.
One day in the future your friend will sob about how awful she found out he is. Oh my.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2022): I agree with HoneyPie.
I understand what social pressure is, but you should have said no to him.
Maybe their relationship is on the rocks and he wanted to do something nice for her trying to prolong it.
Anyway, get your money back.
But let me tell you this: if your friend is so blind, even if you tell her what happened, she will interpret it as "love". She won't see a looser in him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): P.S.
I wager the money he paid back may have come from his unemployment benefits; or he robbed Peter to pay Paul. He also could have pawned something. I think she'd figure it out if he took money from her to buy the gift; because it would cost close to the amount he took from her. I think she realizes what a loser he is, which is why he's desperate to get her a birthday gift. Had he not had something for her on her birthday, that would be the final straw. His days are numbered, and I think he knows it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): Wait to get your money back first; and only tell if he asks you for money again. "Neither a lender or borrower be!"
Don't kill the heartfelt love behind the gift, which really came from you. He has no money, so she knows the gift actually had to come through someone else.
My dad used to say, "if you want to get rid of a friend...lend them money!"
He had good intentions, the value of a gift is the thought behind it that counts. He had to swallow his pride to beg, though you know he's a lazy slacker. You made sure she got a gift from him; so you fulfilled a good deed, but you are wise not to do it again. Trust me, she'll wonder where he got the money to buy her a gift when he has no job or money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): I would just block him on Facebook( and any other social media ), without even waiting to get my £10 back. I mean, unluckily, what's £10 nowadays ? I am sure that £10 more, or less, won't make any real difference in your budget,And if it does make a difference ,then no way you should have lent it to this person ). If you don't see your 10 quids back,-lesson learned , rather inexpensively :do not let people cross your boundaries because you want to be "nice" or act " nice ". As for telling your friend, I guess you will have to, since it may come up anytime that you blocked her BF and are giving him a wide berth - but I doubt she will be shocked or surprised , because , after all, she must have noticed that he does not work, does not pay bills, does not clean or cook , and is basically living off her, right ?She must know beyond doubt that he is a mooche So, I am afraid that it won't be of any use, or worse, that this may become a case of "shoot the messenger" as if what happened is somehow your fault. Then again, if she is really a good friend of yours, this episode should convince her, not to leave the BF, but at least to make sure he keeps his greedy paws way out of your way !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2022):
 Wait until you get the other 10 Pounds, then tell her or you will NEVER see that money.
Wanna BET that the 10 Pound he gave you, HE got from her? So she is essentially BUYING her own birthday present.
What a loser BF!!
And once you get that 10 back, REMOVE and block him from your Facebook. He is really "icky". Yes, he probably saw that you were out shopping, tracked you down hoping he could guilt you into "loaning" him 50 Pounds or rather GIVE him 50. What a piece of crap!!
So in short, get your other 10 back, remove/block him from your social media (ALL of it) then tell her. She might not care, she might already know, however, it might also sow a little seed in her mind that he isn't a keeper and to kick him to the curb. We can hope.
She is your friend, not him.
If this was your BF who was a loser and asked your friend for money, would you not want to know?
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