A
male
age
51-59,
*eeking enlightenment
writes:Before I get started let me just say that women have the right to enjoy sex as much as men. I'm not a sexist person and raised a Young lady on my own. I met my high school sweet heart after 30 years of no contact. We had sex later that evening. We have been seeing each other for awhile now At first she was hungry for it but now we are having sex maybe twice a month. Also over the last year or so she has a dryness issue. We use lube and it's fine. I think she is menopausal . I've tried to do things to spice it up to no avail. We don't kiss much anymore either I recently found out that she's had way more sex partners than she had told me originally. That's ok. I just thought she was maybe embarrassed I have a past also. Having said that red flags have popped up recently. The one in particular is one night I got off work early and already had made plans to see her so I got there two hours earlier Well we kissed once and went to bed. I rubbed her down there and found her to be soaking wet already Having a hard time figuring this one. If she had been masterbAting I would have said fine that turns me on but she just said it's wet now go to sleep. I'm wondering if she's cheating. She also has a kind of different attitude about men taking advantage of women while drunk. She once said she went to a party and passed out and anyone of them coulld have done things and I wouldn't have known. She said this calmly and dispassionately like it was no big deal. She also has a hang up about the door being locked. Yet will want to fool around on the patio where even though it's dark someone could see. Is she hiding something or maybe sleeping around. Can't figure this out. HELP
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2017): The mind works based on logic and what it perceives to be the truth. If you ask for advise for what isn't the true problem; then you get useless responses. Deception makes no sense and serves no purpose. You only delayed getting the answers relevant to your real problem.
A
male
reader, Seeking enlightenment +, writes (28 September 2017):
Seeking enlightenment is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comments. I asked this question from two different prospectives. Once under just wanting to vent. I've been through the hurt and anger and I've finally settled on acceptance The complete truth is we dated for 3 1/2 years and I was broken up by text I never accused her until I found her profile on dating site. I've been trying to find a way to walk away and now maybe I can. Thank you all and sorry for deception
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2017):
 From your update, I think it has more to do that she isn't into you anymore, it was a fantasy of the "glory days" of high school and young love and now? It's reality with smelly socks and daily chores. Not quite as sexy...
DO you two live together already? People settle into routines. which means things such as intimacy can become routine too.
Another thing can be that she USED sex to get you hooked. And once she felt you were "hooked" the sex dropped. She didn't feel she had to put in so much effort in that department anymore.
The best thing you can do is talk.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 September 2017):
A lot of issues there. It may be that the new relationship energy has worn off for her and that's why the sex has slacked off.
You don't say that you have talked with her about any of this. If you haven't this would be the place to start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2017): She apparently doesn't have the same feelings she had when you first reunited. You're more into her; than she is into you.
I don't think her problem is cheating, or vaginal-dryness. I think it's loss of interest. She couldn't pickup where you left-off 30 years ago. She didn't catch any feelings. This was more of a fling. It didn't recapture the past.
If she was extra-wet naturally; then she may have been worked-up by someone else. That doesn't mean she followed-through. You can get pretty turned-on by anyone making all the right moves on you. Even just words can do it. She may have walked-away from the opportunity. All you found was circumstantial-evidence. Inconclusive at that.
As for that experience you had with vaginal-dryness; apparently your ability to do that for her has lost its affect. She probably feels you're getting too emotionally-attached; and she's not in-love with you. Puppy-love doesn't last, and I think you're more driven by your loneliness. Digging-up someone after 30 years of no contact, is desperate. If you really think about it.
You're not the same two people you were 30 years ago, my friend! She got together for old-times sake. That doesn't mean her feelings remained unchanged after such a long span of time. Maybe not for you, but you can't project your feelings onto her.
If you're getting suspicious; I think you are being judgemental and jumping to conclusions out of insecurity.
Maybe it's just a gut-feeling that this isn't the teenage sweetheart you used to have. You both have some mileage on you now. You are both different, and it's not 1987. Reality doesn't match fantasy; no matter how much you try to force it to. It might come close, but reality prevails; because it's not manufactured in your head.
I guess it's time you go your separate ways; if you're going to get all jealous and suspicious. What choice would you have? If you think she's cheating, and you don't trust her.
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A
male
reader, Seeking enlightenment +, writes (26 September 2017):
Seeking enlightenment is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize that her being sexually aroused doesn't entitle me to sex. As for the fantasy I'm not sure. She was sitting on the patio with her female roommate who had a young guy coming over. She probably drinks at least one drink every day As for the foreplay. I love foreplay. I was always performing orally which she seemed to enjoy up to about a year ago. Then she decided she didn't want that anymore. As for attraction. We were like horny teenagers the first couple of years. You are also right about what you said about her past. I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's just something that has been running through my head because she could be in contact with any of those guys. I could've met them and I wouldn't know it. Also she has sent me a few racy pix of herself that suggests that she likes to be seen Or maybe it's the instant gratification she gets when I respond enthusiastically Not sure. I've tried to draw fantasies out of her but she is a closed book. Also about the foreplay. We used to kiss and "make out" a lot lately we may kiss once then she will grab my face push me back and take off her pants. That's it. Also about what I said about rape. I didn't word properly. She didn't say I wouldn't have known they did something but she was so drunk she wouldn't have known. Thanks for you input. I hope to hear more
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2017):
I am not sure it's entirely menopausal dryness going on. I think there is a lack of arousal. Either not enough foreplay (and yes women of ALL ages can use some good oldfashioned foreplay!) or she isn't sexually attracted to you.
Could she have been reading a dirty book? Or had a fantasy/daydream before bedtime? Sure. It could be her imagination is a bigger turn on than you.
She was obviously aroused or HAD been aroused... but didn't want sex. I can't even guess why other than maybe she felt you were accusing her of something....
Just because she is wet and it gets you horny.. doesn't mean you are somehow entitled to sex. Or that she WANTS sex at that moment.
And I don't get why you point out so emphatically that you are fine with her having had a past, yet you also point out she has probably had more partners than she told you... if you don't CARE about her past - why is that even in your post? It shouldn't matter at all.
As for the whole party thing. That is the weirdest thing I have heard in a long time. Like, she was saying it would have been OK with ANYONE having sex with her while passed out? If she was passed out, she probably wouldn't have known either... So why is she saying things like that? I don't know. Sounds like she wanted you to feel jealousy. Sounds like again, she was talking about a fantasy. I think if she had been raped she would feel VERY differently. And yes it would have been raped if she had been so drunk she passed out.
Now the drinking can be another reason for the decline in sex. How much does she drink? I don't know ANY of my friends in their 40-50's who get so drunk they pass out at parties... It's not a good sign. To me, that screams this lady has issues with alcohol.
Wanting sex outside? Another fantasy. To know that someone could see you at any moment is a turn on to her. She obviously has a very active fantasy life.
Nothing you have mentioned makes me think she is sleeping around, it makes me think that she 1. has a problem with alcohol and 2. is a bit sexually repressed (in the sense that she doesn't seem to really include you in her sexual fantasies).
Maybe talk to her? Without the accusations.
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