A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am writing this because I am currently at a point where I do not know what to do. My girlfriend and I broke up two weeks ago and I have given her the space she has needed however it is still hard to understand why she broke up. We have some communication now (phone, messenger) at times we talk as if we were together and then it dies down when the realization kicks in. She has been in quite a few relationships in the past where her previous boyfriends have cheated on her, used her and then dumped her when they got what they wanted or if they didn't get anything. None of them had ever treated her with respect and dignity. She was abused as a child by her father and witnessed her mother being abused when she was younger.We have been dating for almost six months and have never really had a problem with anything. She is very loving towards me and vice versa. She took care of me when I was sick when my family was on vacation. I always treated her with respect and we would always joke around and have fun. All her friends adore me and accepted me.She would at times look at me and ask me if I would leave her and I would always answer no because really I had no reason to. We were very intimate however we did have quite a good balance. I was her first and for her to give up such a precious thing means a lot. Why me instead of the last 5 guys? She never said I love you however I have once because I truly felt it.In the end I don’t want her to push me away, she said she wanted to be friends and that she was not emotionally or physically ready for a relationship. I think she is scared of commitment, and being hurt in the end by me…so as a defense mechanism she closed herself off. I really care about her and the stage I had reached with her I could not attain with my ex gf of almost 3 years.Sorry for the long post but my question is a) should I continue to contact her and try to comfort her? b) give her time?I'd be really grateful for your thoughts/advice please.
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male
reader, whitewater  +, writes (5 July 2010):
Shangygirl has hit the nail on the head..My girlfriend and I are in the same situation...
we have been going out for a year both meeting some time after we were both cheated on by our spouses.
This experience has left her damaged emotionally obvoiusly and every and again she disappears from my life for a while but eventually comes slowly back.
This girl and I are soul mates there is no doubt about that and I love her and she loves me but this thing raises its head every now and then...yes shes scared and runs...of course she has trust issues but I never let go of her hand and I promised her I never will and thats her security....its a wild ride at times but if you stay as her rock she sees you mean business that you love her and she will finally feel safe with you..
A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 You always see eye to eye? WOW, that must scare her even more! To meet her soulmate, and being afraid of being hurt by you. Hang on my friend, it will be like "Taming a wild horse" LoL ... except THIS horse isn't 'wild', just scared.
Good Luck. xxx
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 February 2008):
 I think you should give her a bit of time to get her feelings in order. Then I would call her and ask her how she is doing. Ask her if she would feel up to joining you for a cup of coffee. You then should ask her if you can understand why she broke things off with you. You do need some kind of closure. If she says she was afraid of getting hurt then that is when you need to reassure her that she can trust you. The think is that she will always be testing you and I have seen many of these circumstances where the person who tries so hard to reassure the person eventually can't continue. So at some point if the trust is not there you have to let her go. Otherwise, it really is too emotionally draining for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Annalisa & shandygirl - first off I would like to say thank you for your words and advice it is much appreciated.
@Annalisa - I could care less about the sex, we had spoken about waiting until marriage a couple of times and I completely agreed with it and we both stopped. I care about her a lot and the physical stuff doesn't even matter to me, what I really care about is her and her well being. I really love this girl and i'm trying my hardest to let her know I care. There is only so much I can do if she is being very distant with me.
@shandygirl - We've never really had any disagreements as we both see eye to eye on many things, we always tell each other the truth and are always upfront and straight forward with each other about anything. Yes, she did throw the first punch...but it will take a lot more for me to stop and turn around. I will continue to fight but how much pressure is too much is the question. I want her to have her space but know that I care.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (13 February 2008):
I have had the same emotional problems as your girlfriend. So I feel as though I can shed some light on this issue.
It sounds to me as though she is afraid of getting hurt, so therefore she wants to throw the first punch. Make sense?
I will give you an small example from MY experience... My feelings for my current boyfriend are sooo strong, I feel overwhelmed and scared sometimes. When we have arguements, I tell him that I don't want him in my life anymore, and I tell him that I want him to find a separate apartment. I tell him that we WILL NOT be friends after he leaves, I will not call him, and I don't want him to call me either. PERIOD. He usually sleeps on the couch, and lets me suffer that WHOLE NIGHT crying and thinking it is over. Funny thing is... the next day, he will ask me if I am feeling better, tells me he loves his "Bootie" (my knic-name), and he takes the initiative to apologize and make up with me. I would be RELIEVED! I am not implying that he is a whimp. There have been plenty of times that I acted like a BRAT and he put me in my place.
What I am getting at, you step up, be the type of man who takes control of the situation. Sometimes a woman needs a man to grab them by the collar, and snap them back into place, when they begin to run away, because of emotional insecurities.
You really need to talk to her, assure her that you love her and that you want to stay together. If you want her, gently fight for her. Don't let her go! My boyfriend didn't, and I am glad!
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