A
female
age
36-40,
*alyov
writes:Okay let me just start this out as...I am 21 and still a virgin and would like to stay that way until I'm ready to get married. I have always promised myself I would and I'd rather do so, sex just doesn't seem important to me...I've never even masturbated. Well this past December I had my first boyfriend (I was 20 he was 19)..so I had my first kiss and all. He seemed really sweet but very horny.We fooled around a bit but I wouldn't let him go further. I told him many times in our brief 28 day relationship that "I want to stay a virgin," it was way too soon anyhow..and how could I be sure that he was "the one?" I didn't want to make a mistake.Well he tried forcing himself one me one day and I had to push him off...even after I had told him earlier that day what we can do and how far we could go...actual sex was not on that list...I reminded him again that I wanted to stay a "virgin."Well after pushing him off me, he decided it was over and broke it off. He said it wasn't about the "no sex" thing. but I believe it was.Well I was getting pretty close to another guy here recently and we talked about dating...he found out my views on sex and said "I don't see us being more than friends. I'm a horn dog and I don't do well with the no sex option. sorry to sound like a jerk."I just told him "You are not sounding like a jerk...you are being a jerk." We haven't talked since. Well what I want to know is...do you have to have sex to have a relationship? I don't see whats so important about it. I never really 'get horny' so I feel no need for it.I feel that there's more to a relationship than that...I feel that you don't have to have sex to have a great relationship...
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male
reader, DLover  +, writes (11 July 2009):
ok, I don't want to be mean, but a sex is important to guys, especially in their 20s.
I think you might want to try some specialized dating site like a "christian only" one or something like that. Otherwise, you will find someone who gives a normal or important place to sex, while you don't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): You're right to do what you truly believe in. If you don't want to have sex, don't have it. I also have to commend the boy who said that without sex he couldn't have a relationship with you. No one should expect him to compromise his values, and you've got to give him credit for his honesty. A less honest boy would have just kept nagging at you and using emotional blackmail ("If you really loved me, you would"). Personally, I couldn't have a relationship with a woman without sex, and there are many other men who couldn't either - I don't want to say "most" or "all" or give a figure.
I'm sure you will find someone who shares your values eventually.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I think plenty of guys would be alright with doing everything but sex until marriage. Me and my girlfriend won't be getting married for years, but we've still agreed on no sex before then. However, we still do a lot to each other and will just stop short of penetration, and that's still plenty of fun.If a guy likes you enough, he probably wouldn't mind.
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A
female
reader, Kalyov +, writes (25 June 2009):
Kalyov is verified as being by the original poster of the question You say that it could be 'bad' and you wouldn't ever know until after the wedding...but I ask "why does that matter?" If you truly love someone, I don't think it should matter if the sex isn't that great?
I grew up being told by my parents "not to have sex before marriage." They never really backed it up with anything but morals. We are Methodist but hardly ever go to church...doesn't mean we don't believe in God, we just feel you don't have to always go to worship. So this really isn't anything about religion, Methodists are pretty laid back with some of those rules...It's just the morals I've always been taught.
I feel it is a very special thing to give and the person you truly love and want to be with should receive the full thing.
I am okay with fooling around if a boyfriend wanted to, but I wouldn't take it further than that, unless I truly love him...I will not sleep with someone I don't know my feelings for.
Also I wanted to point out that I never really grew up around sex. I am the youngest child, so I never had to ask where a younger sibling came from.
And then there's the fact that my mother tells me that my mom and dad haven't had sex in about ten years.
And to comment on the stereotyped After Marriage types...I don't think it would be like that. I have fantasies, just no desire to carry them out at this time.
Over the past year I have questioned my moral and asked myself if I loved someone would I do it sooner? My mom recently told me my dad and her dated three months before they had sex (got married at 6 months), though after telling me that she again backed it up with "but you should wait till marriage."
Sorry that was all a bunch of random things thrown together, but I hope it gave you a bit more insight.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Guys always like girls who will screw them. They just don't want the girl to have ever done the same thing with anyone else before.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I think the anonymous reader gives an excellent answer here, it will be hard for you to take in but it is very true!
And as for that second guy who came clean and said he couldnt be more than friends with you, at least he was honest! Your first boyfriend was a jerk and not all guys are like that, but the second guy was just being honest with you. The majority of people you will meet over the next few years will not have the same beliefs as you - and you cannot expect them to. To most people, sex is very normal and enjoyable, and they see no harm in that. It is not being a jerk if you like sex - it is called being human. So dont judge people just because of their values - you wouldnt like to be judged just because you wont have sex before marriage!
Now I think what you are doing is great (if a little foolish). It is good to have morals and to stand up for what you believe in, I really do commend you for this. But if you go into a marriage (if you find a guy who is happy to wait) thinking that sex is not important then you will be getting a divorce faster than you can even comprehend. Sex is a natural, physical urge for both men and women and a marriage wont work without a healthy sex life. Men are more primal and physical than women, and the urge is stronger in men than most women. So if you cant/refuse to satisfy your man (that sounds awful but I couldnt think of a better way to put it) then he will either go off with someone who can or he will just leave.
Sex is wonderful and you will come to learn this! It is the most intimate thing you can do with a partner, it makes you feel so close to that person. It gives you pleasure you cannot experience elswehere, and it is an innate primal act that just feels so damn good! Passion and attraction are not things to be sniffed at, without this in a marriage you might as well not bother! For me, the idea of being with a man who doesnt drive me crazy, who I dont imagine his hands all over my body, who doesnt make me scream would be a terrible life indeed! Without sex you might as well just be friends, sex makes a marriage work and can at times be the only thing to hold a marriage together. Without great sex you are left feeling unsatisfied, unattractive and depsondent. With great sex you are euphoric, you feel sexy and wanted, you feel loved and you feel satisfied.
No sex = unhappy marriage! So please dont play down the importance of sex, it is one of the fundamentals in a marriage and you will need to find some horniness from somewhere if you want to make your husband (when you have one!) happy! And it is very very risky to not sleep with someone before you get married - what if the sex is bad?! You will have a lifetime of terrible sex, feeling unfufilled and unhappy! You will try and avoid sleeping with your husband because it is so bad, he will get fed up and bang! Divorce! So it is risky holding out for "the one" but if you believe in it then this is your right and I wont try and sway you from this belief.
I think the majority of men you will meet will always get fed up of waiting for you, this is just the way men are. Some guys are just horny and after one thing, these are the jerks that no girl wants to go near. But the others, who enjoy sex but also are loving and good boyfriend material, they are not bad people just because they like sex! Sex can be a way to share your love with someone, hence why it is also called "making love!"
You are just going to have to wait for that guy to come along who is happy to wait or who wants to remain a virgin until he is married too. You will find this incredibly difficult and you will probably meet loads of guys who just wont wait for you. They are not bad guys, they just have different values to you. Maybe try the church - catholic and religious guys are much more likely to share the same values as you therefore you should go to church and church groups, you might meet more likeminded men there.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (24 June 2009):
(A male, guy-person of the masculine sex responds.)
I want to commend you first of all for your standards, and even more so for being willing to examine and analyze them. Your post shows a lot of intelligence. Believe it or not - probably the most important organ for sexual enjoyment, in both men and women, is not located between the legs but between the ears. MANY men are attracted to women who aren't afraid to show a little - or a LOT - of intelligence and common sense.
For the record: my wife and I exchanged virginity (she took mine, and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. We were both 23, and had met about a year before.
The first two answers are good. To answer your main question - Yes, I think sex is an important part of the relationship between people who are committed to each other, for each other's benefit, as life partners. But it is something you ADD to a relationship - it doesn't create a relationship in any sense. At least it has been that way in my marriage.
At the very least it is an extremely pleasurable thing you can enjoy doing together. It is also a special gift you can give to, and receive from, each other, all the more valuable because it is exclusively for each other. And there are occasions, perhaps only about a dozen times in your whole life, when it is a part of intimacy and emotional nakedness that bonds people at the most basic, essential part of their being (the "soul", to use a religious term).
A few comments on your experiences.
There is no justification for a guy to "force" himself on a girl. Some guys will test your limits - either deliberately, or without consciously realizing they have crossed a line. You should clearly but respectfully make it known that it is unacceptable. Make certain that "Don't! Stop!" doesn't sound at all like "Don't stop!". If they persist, then break it off immediately.
Especially at your age and experience, one month is too soon for really meaningful sex. Think, "several months" - or the better portion of a year - or even longer. Yes, some people enjoy the physiological pleasures of sex after only a few hours' acquaintance but I don't think that's compatible with your personality. (And, the comment about your age isn't meant to be the least bit insulting. It's a simple statement about where you are in life.)
If you are only "talking about dating", it's probably too soon to be even discussing things like sex and virginity. The second guy you mentioned in your post was honest and forthcoming: he wanted a sex partner, not a life partner. Give him credit for his integrity, even if he holds values significantly different from yours. Most of your acquaintances (both guys and gals) probably hold views similar to his. Recognize that you probably hold a minority view in U.S. culture at the start of the 21st century, but being in the minority is NOT enough justification to change your position!
Give some thought to how you present your views. Especially in Western culture, most guys expect a sexually responsive mate. Admiral (and former Senator) Jeremiah Denton put it quite succinctly in the Congressional Record: "When you get married, you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex.". People who take a "no sex before marriage" position are often stereotyped as those who have sex AFTER marriage:
- In the dark
- Quietly
- As quickly as possible
- Once (per child)
Stating your no-sex-before-marriage position too soon will make guys afraid that there will be very little sex AFTER marriage. And - when you DO find a guy you want to marry, if you don't want to have sex with him - REALLY want to have sex with him - then please don't marry him! That will ave BOTH of you from a lot of unhappiness and frustration.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Sex is important in a relationship, yes. Otherwise, you're just good friends who cuddle. I think it's very important to wait early on in the relationship to make sure that it's really what you want, etc. but it's pretty naive to expect that from the guys you are dating, especially at your age.
What you're basically saying is that if a guy wants to sleep with you, he has to marry you first. Unless a guy is 1000% sure that he loves you and wants to spend THE REST OF HIS LIFE with you, he's probably going to break up with you. At your young age, nobody is ready for marriage, and it's not fair to expect a boy to wait around with you for years and years without sex. You find it easy to do so because you have a very low sex drive, or, you have been raised a Christian who has been taught that sex is nasty unless it happens in a marriage. But you can't expect everyone to feel the same. Most people don't.
If you are adamant about your position, then you will chase away guys with a healthy sex drive and ones who you could have had successful relationships with, and attract only guys who want to get married and give you babies etc. Then, after you are married, what if you find out you are not sexually compatible? What if you grow up a little and realise that you are not happy with the idea of only having ever been with one person?
Anyway, I;m not trying to change your mind about the virgin thing. You have been raised that way and you can't help it. I'm just saying you've made your choice and now these are the results: most men will not bother with a girl who insists on marriage before sex. It's boring, it's too much commitment and it smacks of a lack of individuality, joy and the ability to think for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 June 2009):
 I think you have very clear sense of morals and values and the fact that you intend to stick to them is something you can be proud of.
Unfortunately the society today is so oversexed in most aspects, that it is rare to find girl and guy who choose to say virgins til marriage.
I think you first BF was a creep. Be glad he is out of the picture. The second one I think is a guy good. Just because he has a different point of view then you, doesn't make him a jerk. He could possibly be a great friend to have.
I never saw being a virgin as an advantage. I wasn't brought up with strong beliefs that you stay a virgin til marriage nor with strong religious beliefs either. My parents were more of the hippy sort. Couldn't REALLY preach much of celibacy... However I did wait til I was 19 to have sex and I did take all of 9 months to get to KNOW him before we had sex. My choice. He accepted it and stood by it. Did I think HE was the one? Did I think I was going to marry him? No. I just loved him and wanted to share that experience with him. I have absolutely no regrets, and we stayed together for almost 5 years. BUT THIS is me. How I grew up.
I think you might want to consider looking for a guy with the same values and morals as yourself. Not all young guys will understand your point of view. Doesn't mean you have to change it.
I see NOTHING wrong in taking your time to figure out if HE is the one.
You don't get horny because you haven't been with THE one that sets of all those chemicals off in you. The one that makes you want to fly, scream and burn.
Lastly, YES there is more to a relationship then sex. However, many uses the sex as spice, peace-making, power-ups.. you name people use sex for it. In relationship and out.
Stick with your convictions. You might have to kiss a few frogs to find a guy who is right for you. But you also need to understand, most guys ( and girls) might think your idea to be a little old fashioned and not agree. That is life. Doesn't mean they are jerks, or that they are wrong. They just don't agree. Just like you don't agree with all their ideas.
I wish you good luck :)
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Sex is a bonus in a relationship, it creates vital intimacy and a bond of trust. I agree with you wanting to stay a virgin, and guys who can't handle that are jerks. Having a no sex before marriage policy seperates the men from the jerks, if a guy is willing to respect your view then he is worth it, as for the idiots, you must be relieved that you didn't give it up to them. Sex is an important part of a relationship between two people who love each other, but there are exeptions (like no sex before marriage) x
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