A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, thanks for reading! So about 9 months ago, my now ex boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for 3 years and I have never felt that way about anyone else before.Things went bad down the line because he did not want a relationship and especially not with someone 12 years younger than him. But we continued to have sex for a while, which was a terrible decision(!) but it was hard to stop seeing him. After that, we never formally broke up again. We just drifted apart and I got the feeling that he thought someday when he was ready, I would be waiting.Recently, I have been seeing a great guy who I like a lot and treats me so well. But last week, my ex called out of the blue and wanted to go to lunch and talk. I told my new guy about it because I like to be honest and he told me to do whatever I felt I had to do... but I don't know what that is. Toward the end, I felt used my my ex and because of that, I wouldn't want him back. He also recently turned 35 so I am wondering if this plays into him wanting to reconnect. I don't think I have feelings for him anymore but he still can definitely have a huge effect on my emotions. Is seeing him necessary for closure? Is seeing him a bad idea? I don't want to make my new guy insecure but I honestly don't know my own feelings and I am so confused. I know I would not physically cheat, but I don't want to doubt my feelings for him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Thank you everyone so much for all your advice so far! Everything that has been said has made a lot of sense. The only things that still get me are 1) I know its not the same sitution, nor is it tit for tat, but my new guy currently has LOTS of contact with his ex because he helps take care of HER daughter and even though it makes me uncomfortable at times, I trust him and I wish he would make me feel like he trusts me as well. And 2) I know I don't owe the ex anything, but we were important to each other at one time, and the way I am, it hurts me to tell someone goodbye forever over the phone or by ignoring him until he figures it out. What about all you men out there? Any thoughts from a guy's perspective?
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 By not meeting up with him, your ex will get the point and realise it is over. If you go see him then you will only make him think there is a chance for you two, and it will make him think that you still have feelings for him.
Dont go to see him, there is no need and will only make your current boyfriend worried about your feelings towards your ex. If you feel you want to end it once and for all with your ex, and seen as you have been apart for a while now, all that is neccessary is a text message or a phone call. I would call him to tell him you will not meet him and that it is over for good, and you dont want him to contact you ever again.
That is closure, not having some lunch where you talk about the good times you had years ago.
I hope this helps!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): If you have moved on and are in a happy new relationship then don't meet with your ex mostly out of respect for your new boyfriend, he won't say but he will be hurt and worried a little....and may not like it.
The ex is an ex for a reason, and you officially ended it by no longer seeing each other and having a relationship....so I don't get this Official nonsense, don't use that as a trap!
You are probably curious about what his intentions are and want to be flattered by his attentions....but him coming back to you is a bad idea...he may have a pattern of doing this with women he has dated as he is 35 and single....he probably has a whole little black book of ex girlfriends....I would do everything I could to get off that book UNLESS you really love him and want him back.
It doesn't sound like that last part is what is true for you....just thank him for the offer and tell him you have moved on and don't wish to see him. You don't owe an ex lover friendship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Closure is NOT necessary in this situation! Your closure was when you met this new guy who treats you right! We tell ourselves we need closure to move on when a lot of times...it's more a matter of curiousity!
Seeing him, could mess up your head and cause problems with your present guy. Is it worth risking what you have for something that caused you pain previously?
BAD IDEA!
Even though your boyfriend left the decision up to you, I think it will hurt your relationship to meet with your ex. Put your boyfriends feelings first!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Well because we never officially ended it, I'd like to tell him that I am done for good. I'd like to think that it is the respectful thing to do it in person.
Am I wrong?
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