A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I understand that porn isn't technically cheating. But I feel like my boyfriend may have a slight obsession with it. He looks at it every day of the week, maybe only 5 or 6 days some weeks, but for the most part, he does it every day. We are in a long distance relationship, but he used to tell me over the phone that when he wanted me and stuff, and now that has dwindled significantly. We have quite a bit of sex, and sometimes, he can't get all the way hard. I finally realized this way from him jerking off so much, and to porn. He says he usually uses porn when jerking off. I find him checking out other girls alot, which I know is pretty normal, because men are very visual, and I think both sexes look at attractive people just because it is our nature. We have eyes for a reason; and they tend to be drawn to beautiful things. But, he never tries to please me anymore, and just asks for blow jobs and stuff for himself. I mean, he always asks me how the sex was and stuff (he's never made me come) and he always dirty talks during sex, and I can tell he has gotten alot of his moves and stuff from porn. I even once kept trying to get him to watch it together, and we finally did, and he thought it was too weird with me there, which I have heard from reading about other people's boyfriends saying similar things. If he would include me in on this, I would feel ALOT better. But, now I just feel like he just wants another girl to fuck or girls. Because the porn he watches features mainly a full view of the girl getting fucked, as most guys do I'm sure. But this just makes me really insecure, because if I even mention another guy is hot or anything to that notion, he gets very jealous, but wait he can jerk off to naked chicks?? I just think that maybe he gets so upset because he fantasies alot about what another girl would be like, and if you fantasize enough, it can become a reality. We also have a very satisfying sex life, so I really don't know, and I know they say porn isn't cheating, and men are just wired this way, but I think that is just pathetic and weak. I feel like it is lazy and unfair, because there are plenty of women who are sex addicts too-I hate when people say it is a man's affliction, our species is quite evolved from back when we had just started walking upright. I was just wanting some feedback on my situation, because it is definitely a problem for me at least, and I don't know how to address it anymore. I guess my question is, is he hypocritical and is porn really something I should be okay with being a "modern" woman? Or is it just mental cheating?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): No you shouldn't be ok with it, it is completely lame. His priority should be to please you, make you feel beautiful, amazing, like the only woman in the universe. You accepting his nonchalance and in my opinion straight up disrespect is selling yourself short. The guy sucks. So let him look at other chicks and whack off to a IMAGE of a woman, not even the real thing. Yeah its pathetic. I wouldn't tolerate that, it sounds miserable. So many men out there looking for a real woman to love and be with and this guy has a wandering eye, nah, you could better.
Sometimes men have higher sex drives and maybe even higher/different expectations out of their sex life. I guess some men may supplement their sex life with looking at porn...I really don't know. But for the most part his main priority should be you. This guy doesn't respect you.
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I guess it is cheating he wants to see a woman besides you.
But your technically just his gf so technically he has no vows toward you so technically it may not be cheating..
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Normal porn usage..
1. Doesn't matter if he has a million video's, this is more about choice than anything else. You don't just own one book, you have a few and different types, because you like things at different times.
2. There is no guide to how much daily usage makes a person an addict. Some people will say more than once a year, some more than once a month.. some people can use pornography several times a day and still remain healthy and loving. This is because people have different sex drives. Some people have sex once a month and some 5 times a day.
The problem is when pornography interferes so much with life it changes someone's behaviour, and they can no longer carry out normal tasks. You have a problem with pornography if you can't maintain an erection, prefer pornography to having sex with a willing woman, talk about pornography all the time and find that all your interests include it.
You also have a problem if your pornography usage leads you to looking at more extreme things that my be classed as illegal or immoral. Child pornography and animal pornography is illegal in most countries, and your partner has a problem if he needs such images to get arroused.
3. You have a problem with pornography when you can't have normal sex without it. When you need pornography in the bedroom to have a successfully sex encounter. You have a problem with pornography if you expect to receive all the pleasure from sex but have no skills or no wish to give that pleasure back to your partner. You have a problem with pornography when you take no interest in whether your partner is happy and contented when you make love.
4. Pornography should be like ice-cream or cream cake, a little extra pleasure in life. It should not be the main meal, your relationship with your partner should be that. If you use pornography, your partners need for sex, love and comfort must come first.
5. Looking at pornography alone is normal. Masturbation is a private habit and many people are embarrassed by it. Lying about pornography is common, especially when people are faced with a partner that hates it. However, if pornography is not forbidden by your partner and you still feel the need lies, sneak and hide, you may have some addiction issues.
6. Comparing your partner to anyone seen in pornography is rude and crass, and may suggest you have a problem separating fantasy from reality.
7. Expecting your partner to act like a porn queen or demanding the do sexual acts that they feel uncomfortable with may point to a problem separating fantasy from reality.
Pornography should not cause fights, especially if when people are as tolerant as you. Your feeling insecure not because of the porn, you've been very fair about it. Your feeling insecure because your man has a problem making you feel special, loved and secure... Please DUMP HIM.
Most people who are not highly sexed find their porn usage decreases after time, as most porn is boring and repetitive. It becomes a bigger issue when people fight about it and then it becomes more than porn, it becomes an issue of communication, understanding and respect.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE PORNOGRAPHY IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU HATE IT. But good relationships work well when there is communication and a fair compromise.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 How you view porn is a personal choice. However it sounds like your bf has more of an issue then just looking at porn. A decent guy will care more about his gf and may use porn sometimes, but would pick his gf over it every time. The fact that he cant satisfy you and chooses to be selfish points to a larger problem then just him watching porn. If he was choosing to look at porn every now and then, or even only when he isn't seeing you, i would view that as ok. But all the time and to the point that it has replaced you as his main sexual release? That doesnt seem right. I dont view porn as mentally cheating, but it should only ever be an extra when in a relationship. Not the main course. And it is odd that he doesnt like watching it with you... Have you asked him not to watch it so much when he is going to see you? How does he react when you try and talk with him about porn?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
"I guess my question is, is he hypocritical and is porn really something I should be okay with being a "modern" woman? Or is it just mental cheating?" (anon)
First, you must feel how you want. If you think it's cheating then that's your choice, but your man may not have the same point of view. If you don't want pornography in your life, again it's your choice and if he can't or won't stop looking, then he should make every attempt to keep it from you.
Your guy is a jerk. Your sex life isn't satisfying, that's a lie (see how easy they are to tell.. lol) You just told us that you never come, he dosen't try to please you, he demands blow jobs and it's all about his pleasure and not yours. That's not a good sex life, that sounds like a man who is using you and dosen't care how you feel. He's a bad lover and he dosen't know how to please a woman. He is also hypocritical. He allows himself the pleasure of the beauty of others, but gets upset when you do the same thing.
Your not being treated with love and respect and that's why the pornography is upsetting. Your a clever woman, you've gathered evidence and information to make your choice about pornography, your not banning it from his life or yours, and you have asked to join in... Very, very, fair, a compromise most men would jump at.
Dump this boozo, he is useless beyond words. Tell him he watches so much porn but he's useless in bed. He can't get hard, he can't give you an orgasm, he treats you like a porn star... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HIM? The man is beyond selfish, he's a bloody idiot who has no idea about what he's doing.
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I can see your also trying to decide what "normal" pornography usage is... I'll come back and give you some tips. But remember, if you don't like pornography, you don't have to have it in your life. You can tell a man straight away you don't like it. You can also ask a man not to bring it into your space, but it's not fair to tell him that he's never to watch it, and this usually never works anyway.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Sigh, another guy leading an unhealthy relationship with porn. It's a shame.
Is he hypocritical looking at porn but getting jealous if he sees you checking out a guy?
Yes. He is. Both are visual activities and both can be ok. It all boils down to intentions, but I do believe his actions are those of a hypocrite.
Is porn really something you should be ok with as a "modern" woman?
In many cases it is something that you kind of have to accept. It doesn't mean you have to be ok with it if you don't want to be, but generally speaking, your dating life will be easier if you can accept it.
That being said, what he is doing is wrong. I use porn, but my first priority is always my GF when in a relationship. I want to make sure she's satisfied. He's just being a selfish prick at this point. I've loved it in the past when GF's wanted to watch porn with me. It has led to some mind blowing sex. The fact that he is against this points to the selfishness he's exhibiting in your relationship.
Plain and simple, his porn use has exceeded that which could be deemed healthy. He's now a sad chronic masturbator who can't get it up for a real girl who's ready and willing. This problem definitely lies within him.
I'm going to suggest you take the time to read this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
It is probably the best conversation regarding porn I've seen yet on this site. I think you'll get a good picture of the many things going on here. I hope it helps.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 August 2010):
To be honest, this guy is not really that great. The issue is not that he's cheating with porn. The issue is that he is becoming obsessed with it to the point where he treats you like the porn stars, and not as a woman he loves. He just seems to take what he can from you, and gives nothing in return. The porn is no longer the problem. He is. You can do a lot better than a guy who sees you as a porn star he's watched on the internet.
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