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male
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anonymous
writes: Is our relationship going downhill or am I simply too needy?My girlfriend and I have been dating for 10 months now, and I am completely in love with her. I know I have not lost any of the drive (emotionally or physically) that was there at the beginning of the relationship, but for the last couple of months I feel she has. In bed, she often wants "room" and is feeling "suffocated". Even if I simply want to hold her close, as I've done many times in the past without any adverse response (in fact, earlier on, it was welcomed and reciprocated in full), she shuns me 1/2 the time. Whenever we have sex, it feels she is doing it out of obligation instead of wanting to (she's confirmed that this is often the case-- she just knows we haven't had sex for a while and gives in). Now, I feel uncomfortable suggesting or attempting to initiate any sort of physical contact, because I don't want to get that adverse reaction. It makes me feel terrible, and it seems to turn her off even more from physical contact.Yet... she says she loves me and wants to get engaged. She often speaks about it, and I am looking for a ring. I ask her over and over if she's absolutely certain, and she always says yes. In fact, out of the bedroom, there is never a problem. We get along amazingly well, see each other every day, and she seems to enjoy every moment together with me as I do with her. No complaints are ever tossed around for interactions out of the bedroom. I'm wonderful to support her financially and emotionally. She's thrilled to have me in that support role-- like a good friend plus some. However, the dying (almost dead) intimacy component of the relationship makes me feel as if her decision of engagement is a practical one rather than on that comes from true love. It feels terrible, because it's as if I'm just not the complete package. I worry that she doesn't want to admit that to herself right now, but once someone she has more 'chemistry' with (for lack of a better term) comes along, I'll be easily replaced. I did in fact attempt to talk this stuff out with her, but she sees it as an increased demand from me. I literally started marking it down to prove her wrong, and she switched arguments to "I'm just comfortable in the relationship". I don't know... I don't *expect* sex all the time, but I do expect a great deal of NATURAL intimacy from the person I'm supposed to eventually marry. For my part, it's all I ask of the relationship, so I don't see how this is too much to ask, and I am less and less happy every day. Advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, Allicat  +, writes (11 May 2007):
There is always a risk of relationships going down hill if you feel you are becoming to dependant on the other person. You may be feeling insecure because you feel the relationship has lost something. The more you worry that you are being to needy the more the relationship feels that its going down hill. You may need to talk and address some of the issues. Either way you are the only person who really knows whether its worth keeping or whether you should just break free now before you can not live without them whatever the cost
A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (21 November 2006):
From what you have said you don't sound too needy at all. All you are wanting or needing is some basic affection and intamcy from the woman who you want to spend the rest of your life with - and that is by no means unreasonable.
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A
male
reader, davie +, writes (21 November 2006):
I think you should take on the very good advice given by Bev Conolly. Slow down, work these issues out, and then think about marriage.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (21 November 2006):
 For what it's worth, I think it's 'way too soon to be looking for a ring when you haven't even been together for a year yet. Put this in perspective: if you live to be 85, then you've only been in this relationship for around 1% of your lifetime, so far. You seem to be wanting to hurry things into permanence and yet, clearly, there's not only a sexual incompatibility, but a lack of communication from her.
DON'T MARRY HER. Yet.
Put the chequebook down. Cancel that visit to the jewellers'. Just... slow down.
What's the urgency in getting married? Why would you want to set in concrete -- forever and ever amen -- a situation that's already so bad that you'd find yourself here?
She rejects your advances to cuddle, only "gives in" to sex, won't admit there's a problem to be solved, doesn't care that you're unhappy... but she wants to continue like this until she dies? That's just nonsensical.
You two HAVE to resolve the sexual issue before you recommence talking about marriage. (That is, unless you fancy there being progressively MORE pulling back and LESS sex over the next 60 years?)
Her problem reminds me of a very common occurance I'm aware of: early on, the man establishes a pattern where he only offers to cuddle when he wants it to lead to sex, so eventually the woman gets to feel like even a hug in bed means she has to perform, with the result that she doesn't want to "risk" even a hug.
Not saying that you're necessarily that man, but maybe it's worth a think about, since that's a very common situation.
Whatever you do, you need to get her to talk about why she keeps rejecting intimacy with you. Whether that's casually over coffee in the morning, or more formally in the office of a couples' counsellor, you need to find out why, and she needs to understand her motivation, so that you can both meet at a compromise over this issue.
If you ignore it, I can promise you in complete solemnity that it won't go away, and in fact, it will become the dominant feature of your relationship. You'll begin to resent her, and feel like she doesn't really love you, and things get worse from there. You may need to explain to your girlfriend how this one little issue can be the pebble that rolls into a giant snowball, in order to get her to discuss it.
In the meantime, nobody's stopwatch is ticking and you don't have to marry this woman, so you can release yourself from the "person-I'm-supposed-to-eventually-marry" mindset, and concentrate on whether this relationship really has the longterm potential that a couple need.
-Bev
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): Dont know my freind but this sounds just like my relationship.Hope you get some answer's.Do what makes you happy.
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