A
female
age
51-59,
*noops
writes:We have been together for 20 years I am 40 and he is 39 . We were college sweethearts and very intensely in love. HE would play guitar and serenade me outside my window. Bring me flowers the whole thing. THen we had a child. I watch enough OPRAH to know to fold the child into your life and keep your relationship going with date nights and other couple things. LIke many moms I've talked to the passion has died . Our child is now 6 and we juggle her between us. We still live together but we do alot of seperate activities with her because we cant get along. Around 3 years ago we mutulally agreed to have an open marriage. Well of course in theory that sounds good. But we both fell in love with the other person and it really wrecked my husband- He turned to church and the gym for salvation. " the open marriage ' experiment must of ruined us. But to tell you the truth I understood sleeping beauty a lot better after that time. Because when that other guy kissed me i awoke. I know that new love like and new car cant be compared but thats what happened. My husband and I ended our affairs but i secretly continued and ended up pregnant with the other guys kid. I told my husband and got an abortion and then left the other guy for good. Sounds like a soap opera i would never watch but it happened. Now his intimate walls are 8 feet high and blocked. We are still friends. but sex is hard. I cannot imagine my life without him and he says he still wants me. I want to know ( besides time-its been a year 1/2 since abortion) if our love is fixable. because I am dying here.without love. I also want another baby but wouldn't under these circumstances with him. I hope to rebuild trust and maybe one day
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female
reader, snoops +, writes (25 September 2009):
snoops is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses and i really do read them with an open mind. Bitterblue you hit the whole situation on its ugly head and nailed it home to me. We both have walls up and somehow need to let them down. He is a very well spoken man and I love to talk and analyze. AS far as the b-4 the war and after and when things went bad. We went shopping the other night to Kmart , of all places when we had a babysitter.... let me repeat this scenerio- married couple had a babysitter out on the town on a sat. night.. at KMART??? Well we talk openly about our life and i said to him.. " some people say its the sex that goes last.. i say its the shopping" he concurred and laughed. We did use the open marriage thing as a fixer but we intended it as an enhancer. Anyhow. How does love grow so stale? This weekend as the anonymous reader wrote i will let go of guilt or at least try and as janey says I will not take him for granted,,, IF all else fails after seeking outside help I guess i will go live at my moms....
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 It could be fixable, if you try. Yes, the open marriage might sound well in theory, and with some couples even in practice, it seems you resorted to this as a way to rescue your marriage, ironically, but you were lead to an opposite effect. In any case the wife being impregnated by another man can be quite of a marriage shock, even if you agreed that you would have sex with other people. You are not very adept at compromising, it seems. You have separate schedules with the child because you can't get along, and your sex life was probably troubled before the affairs so you agreed to having different sex partners, it seems that from the beginning you have avoided to solve your differences which in turn has only widened the distance between you. There may be things each of you are doing that keeps the other at 8 feet away, even without realising. You could manifest a rejection that you are unaware of, possibly, if you feel he hasn't supported you or hasn't supported you enough during the abortion process. It's probably turned into a habitual process. Maybe each of you blames the other for having had the idea of this open marriage, or for applying it firstly, or for the office documents that h/she lost, or for the cup of tea s/he spilled this morning. When you have such important issues to clarify such as what lead to lifechanging events, and not only, but you don't properly drag them in the open trying to understand each other, you soon start seeing them as bigger and bigger issues until you start blaming oneself and the other for all the wrongs in the world, for things you can't help at times. Something similar to this may have happened there. Not only the affairs have to be discussed, but also what lead you to them, something like the analysis of the great war, "before and after" and the war itself, and for that you both have to make an effort and be open and also to be willing to be vulnerable to each other in order to open up some hurtful memories, to say things that are hurtful, to show yourselves how damaged you are, how you are affected. Trying to heal together, rather than each in his own corner, silently, should bring you somewhat closer. Compromise more as well. I'd say this is a wise decision to try your best to rebuild the trust before thinking of having another child. I think you are experiencing a time of aloneness and depression in your marriage. Try to help each other or seek outside help if necessary. I hope your marriage can actually withstand this blow in the long run and be reconciled. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): It does sound like a soap opera but.... it seems that you both have got enough love and affection that despite these events you still want eachother. So I think you need to talk to him and say ... I want to let go of this guilt can you let go of the anger so we can get back to the life and love we deserve? You both made mistakes . We also hate to give up on love or something we have. But if he is holding on to you and to the anger you will never really move on and that would be a shame. THe romance at the beginning is wonderful but the memories and experience of a long time marriage with love are even better :)
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Hmm, I'm not a fan of the 'open relationship' thing for those exact reasons. have you considered a separation. If you both really want to be together, being apart may bring back those feelings of desiring the other person because it takes away that feeling of security that often results in taking each other for granted, (the big passion killer). Good luck, hope you can work it out :)
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