A
female
age
51-59,
*20gal
writes:Well, I am not asking for the "morally right" answer, but just varying opinions. Let me start by saying that neither of us are children, in the 40-50 area. At this point in our lives, we have lived through many different situations, and honestly, I do think that monogamy is a myth perpetuated by society, but I do believe in responsibility. My gentleman friend and I have known each other many years. Years that I was involved, and he was not. About a year ago, he got a little asian lady pregnant, and before the baby was born, he married her. She lives overseas (not a citizen), he lives here in the states. He is building her a house in her homeland and takes his 6 wks vacation to see her there. I finally ended what had over time became a bad relationship. We have always been attracted to each other, but were always "missing" each other, although our friendship is strong. As you may have guessed, we have both fallen pretty hard. I will not ask him to leave his wife and child, he is providing for them and does it very well, although they are absent from his day-to-day life. He regrets his marriage and wishes things were different, but doesn't apologize for being responsible and looks forward to being a father, and this is what I expect. However, between us, who live close together, it is becoming unbearable, and the very sight of each other is enough to stop us in our tracks. It is what is so common for younger people, but extremely elusive for us...love, desire, lust, need, on a firm foundation of long term friendship and that attraction that was always there. My argument to him is that if we are discrete, no one need know that we are involved. I am unmarried, no children, successful and independent. He lives alone, the little lady and kid are on the other side of the globe being well supported (together with a small village-she found her sugar daddy). Aren't there sometimes when a little extramarital affair is okay? This is the situation in a nutshell, and there simply is no loser here.
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male
reader, Ricky +, writes (7 October 2007):
It is honorable of him live up to his responsibilties to the baby, even though it was from an very brief and most likely loveless fling with this girl.
I would say go on being friends with him as before and wait and give him time to deal with his feelings on his commitment on the other side of the world. I may be wrong but I feel that he will do justice to you and your emotions either way, whether he stays with you or leaves you. In the mean time focus on other parts of your life and nuture them as you will have that as a cushion should the relationship fall apart.
A
female
reader, h20gal +, writes (3 October 2007):
h20gal is verified as being by the original poster of the question Also, drastic, please note that marrying a US citizen does not automatically make them a citizen or give them permanent living status, but it does for the child. This will be valuable (hopefully - lol).
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A
female
reader, h20gal +, writes (3 October 2007):
h20gal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your opinions, and I invite more. Yes, anon, it could become difficult as we are already more than a little in love. Phil, you are close, not spot on, but I have not pushed the issue with my friend, they are decisions for him to make. RCN, discrete because so many people have issues about this type of situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): I think if I were him I'd absolutely insist on a DNA paternity test. How can he otherwise be certain he's the father of the child? Like you say, she's probably found her sugar daddy. There's no fool like an old fool!
If I read this right he's gone off to the Philippines or some other impoverished country, had a little fun with the local female population and now one of them has snared him, for the time being at least.
I'd also guess she's about 20 years of age and looked good up on stage half-naked and dancing round her pole, but that would be presumptuous of me.
If she did indeed snare him into the situation for the purpose of improving her and her family's standard of living, then I'd say he'll soon switch on to that fact. And if so, I'd say it's ok for you and him to have some fun with each other, mainly because his marriage would be a complete sham.
Phil
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): If you think you can handle it emotionally and it satisfies both your needs then I say why not? You are both adults and are of course free to decide what you do. I do fear though that you will get emotionally too involved and fall very deeply in love and that the situation with his wife and child will eat away at you and the confident, successful woman that you are will crumble as your ability to compartmentalise this relationship becomes impossible. Ask yourself this... if you had a choice, and there were two men who you had the same feelings for and one was married with a child and the other wasn't which would you go for? There are other men out there and maybe it would be in your own interests to expand your social circle to include other men while you decide what to do. Also you might want to wait and see how you feel about him when he becomes a father - this could change everything. Don't rush. Take your time.
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A
female
reader, drastic knowledge +, writes (3 October 2007):
 well if you need an okay to set you mind at easy it doesnt sound like an okay thing to have,
think of hes wife she may love him and he did marry he and if it wasnt for more reasons than the baby then hes mistake
its very wrong to have a relationship with him even thow it may hard not to be as you care depply for this man but just so you know she is a citizen because he married her making her one
this man isnt what you need as you need some one who doesnt have ties some where eles
dont you want a strong relationship and him to your self
its not your relationship with him
because he is all ready in one your just the woman on the side because you live closer no mater of the feelings
put your sefl in her shoes and tell me how would you feel if your husban was messing around behind your back while you were pregnant with hes baby
for god sake you know it isnt right,
so why ask
he isnt going to leave her and you wouldnt ask him to so why be with him unless all you want is sex no reason
bad situation
counts your losses and move on to a man that can be completly devolted to you as it should be
good luck and i am sorry if you didnt wanna hear this advise but it my opion
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Nope, now if everyone was in agreement sure. The answer is within the word "discrete". If you have to be discrete, then someone is being "deceived". There are people who have relationships with more than one individual, but they all know, and have agreed or accepted it as who they are and what they've agreed upon. The problem with you little plan is the intent to deceive another person. That in its self isn't right.
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