A
male
age
41-50,
*ardinals08
writes:So here is my situation. I have a really high sex drive. Much higher than my wife's. And sure, it's been a bit of a problem, but I've accepted that people are different and since everything else about our relationship is great, I'm dealing with it.But well, the way I deal with it may (okay, it's not) the best. Since it's on my mind so much, I enjoy talking about it as much as I can with girls online. We talk about our past sexual experiences, fantasies, etc. Now I would never cheat and have no plans on cheating, but well, it's just my way of dealing with the situation. So how horrible is this? Does anyone else do this or am I an anomaly out there???
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): Well, I'm a female, also married and I've done it too. I don't think it is horrible although I know my husband wouldn't love it. I just make some 'rules' that work for me. I don't give out emails, phone numbers or personal details. I use different nicknames and I never talk to the same person twice.
The only problem I see in it is when you like the other person and you start to wonder if you would be better off without your current partner. This might not be an issue right now, but when things get bumpy on the marriage, cybergals will seem a lot more interesting and this could ruin your marriage. This is why I don't do it often and I don't go online if I am having troubles with my husband. I've been lucky so far as my husband is much better than anyone I've met online, but, I met him online too!! So it is as close to playing with fire as I have come!
To the doctor psych, it is not deviant, and, cybersex has been accepted as a way to have sexual pleasure and keeping safe at the same time. I have a normal life and a good relationship, some online fantasy does not change that!
A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 I would certainly be hurt! I sympathize with you, certainly, but to me it does seem horrible. It's only as fake as you truly consider it to be - it seems that even though it's online that it is still, in another sense, real, right? Your guilt lead you here, probably for a reason. I'd own up and quit it, or be honest and change your situation with your wife for the better. The allure of cyberwomen is very strong, an I think that when we allow ourselves to engage with it, while it is different than cheating with a real person, it is still interaction, without your wife's knowledge, that would most likely hurt her. Perhaps the real question is whether your sex drive, which you say is much stronger than your wives, could be aimed toward the real her full time again or not, or are you addicted to the online stuff? It also sounds like you are getting emotional fulfillment from the online stuff, so is it really your sex drive that is leading you there, or something else that is lacking between you and your wife that is more emotionally driven (while still being related to desire/sex). Again, I'd be crushed if I found out my wife was cheating online in this way. Good luck to you! Be honest with yourself. (?) Just some quick thoughts
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 To be honest, cybersex has always appeared to me to be the pastime of sad, lonely, deviant people who are perhaps not getting too much physical or social contact in the real world. I don't expect your wife would be too impressed. If I caught my husband talking in chatrooms to random 'strange' women about their bits and bobs then I would seriously question his mental health. For some it maybe a harmless way to spend some anonymous time online, while for others it is perceived as cheating. Personally I just think it distracts you from healing up your marriage and it is time to rekindle the relationship with your wife, rather than spending time on random people from the net.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Hm, I don't think it's that bad, just maybe tell your wife you need her or to do cam stuff, maybe tell her you have resorted to cam but eould prefer her?
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A
female
reader, whatsreallove +, writes (28 May 2010):
Well I just think that youre hurting your wife more than you think. You're not cheating physically, but mentally, and i think thats the worst cheating of all. I have gone through things like that, I found my bf cheating on me online and trust me it hurts more than anything. Your wife is worth more than what you're doing. Think about it. Reflect!!!
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 May 2010):
 People use the same wording, reasons, and justification for *actual* cheating as they do with online cheating.
Let me ask you this, if your situation was reversed, how would you feel if your wife was online cybering with other men? Would you be able to say "Well, I don't give her enough." or would the thought of other men's fantasies all over your wife drive you insane with rage and jealousy?
Before you decide to do this, have you and your wife done everything, and I mean *everything* you can do to try and resolve this together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Dear Sex drive,
Yes it is wrong, and i think you know it is too! are you would'nt be asking. think of it this way, put the shoe on the other foot what if your wife, was doing it how would you feel? well i think you have your answer!!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Most women wouldn't tolerate that sort of behavior. You're interacting in a sexual way with other women. You should definitely stop. Why not talk about sexual things with your wife? If you enjoy dirty talking with women online, you should enjoy it with your wife too. Plus, dirty talk almost always gets people in the mood, so it may be a good way of seducing her to get her sex drive to match yours. But what you're doing is entering the realm of cheating. If your wife found out she'd be incredibly hurt and probably extremely angry. Why not occasionally make some tapes of you two having sex and keep them as masturbation material? It will help you not look for sexual gratification from real women online and it will also get you excited for sex with your wife. I bet she'd be flattered by the gesture and then you would be able to get rid of "frustrations."
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): No, you're not an anomaly. I've had a couple of "emotional affairs" online. No real world contact at all, but some 'letting off steam'. I see it as an extension of what used to be a community where you had friends who would keep your confidences when you needed vent. Necessary, and very much
'no harm, no foul.'
Chill, man. We're all just trying to cope.
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