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male
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anonymous
writes: Is my wife's friendship crossing the line?My wife and I have been married for 7 years. She has a male friend and they have been friends since childhood. When he was in high school he had several girlfriends and was heterosexual then. During college it became known that he was gay and stopped having girlfriends. Him and my wife are very close and they have been for a long long time. Seeing them in high school hanging out together you would have gotten the impression that they were dating. They would lay on the couch together and take naps, they would kiss on the lips and spent a lot of time together. This continued even when I started dating my wife. This guy and I have been friends for the past 12+ years now too. When we are all hanging out at our house together he can be somewhat touchy with my wife grabbing her behind and her breasts (outside of clothes) and even stands behind her making sexual movements. They do this in front of me and when I am not there or in the same room. They even still give each other pecks on the lips. For a long time this never bothered me even though my wife and I both believe he is probably more bi-sexual than homosexual. Lately my feelings have changed and I have been questioning this behavior. My wife says that he is just like another one of the girls to her even though her female friends aren't grabbing her or messing with her the way he does. My wife was going to a bachelorette party and he was invited as one of the girls. I asked her to please don't allow any messing around for that night as they would normally do when hanging out together. They ended up acting like they always do together and even let him make sexual like movements with her goofing around on the trip. I questioned their behavior and she was disturbed that I was upset about things and defends their friendship. I've been noticing lately how much they call each other (never paid attention to it before) and they call each other almost on a daily basis and sometimes multiple times a day. Recently she passed an important test she had to take and she called him first to share the news then called me. Too me it seems that she is almost as close to him relationship wise as she is with me (all but sexually). Am I wrong for being jealous of their relationship or do I have grounds to ask them to back off?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2006): Dear Anonymous Husband,
I too am dealing with the same situation. I have been married for 20 years and our neighbor is homosexual. My wife is constantly going down to his house to talk with him. Many times without telling me and leaving me at home alone with our three children wondering where she is. Most recently I went out of town on business and when I returned she stated, without conscience, that she went out with him for lunch while I was gone.
Even though this man is not groping my wife like your situation, nor are they kissing, I know there is a physical attraction. I am very confident that nothing physical has occurred nor will occur in the future. However, that isn't the issue with me nor in your situation. Like one of the other respondents said, it is an "emotional affair." I have talked with my wife about it and was very clear in explaining how I felt and she did not seem to understand.
I have since been searching for understanding and am going to do my best to share it with you. I truly believe that teh relationship my wife has and yours is purely friendship with the gay man, however it does not make the friendship right. This is why. What is shared in those friendships are emotions, thoughts and feelings that are suppose to occur between husband and wife. This is what marriage is, otherwise it wouldn't be marriage.
What can be more intimate than a person's emotions, feelings and thoughts? Sex. That's right. That means that your wife and mine will share everything intimate with another person, but not sex, that is reserved for the husband. And in my case I will support her financially and be a good father. Well that isn't good enough. A wife takes the easy road by falling into a relationship with a gay man where there is sexual security (nothing will happen), common interests (often true between gay men and straight women) and a focus on feelings. Well my advice is that a wife should turn herself inward towards the relationship with the husband and seek a way to share those feelings and successes (pasiing an important test like your wife).
There is truth that when a woman shares her feelings with her husband there is fear of judgement of those feelings by her husband. However, when a woman shares her feelings to a gay man, there is no judgement.
Bottom line, a marriage is a union where both husband and wife share their most intimate beings with each other. If your wife is ahring her most intimate feelings outside the marriage, it is wrong. Wish me luck on my journey with my wife as well.
A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Why should you have to put up with some guy groping your wife? Personally I say go teach this s.o.b a lesson! Just cos he's gay doesn't make him any less of a man. And they're always campaigning for equal rights. If it was a straight guy, I'm sure you'd have lost your cool with him a long time ago, do the same here already!
More importantly, your wife is clearly having an emotional affair. Those things can be as devastating to a realtionship as a regular extra marital wang dang doodle. You definitely need to talk to your wife about that and let it be known that this is really bothering you. Sooner the better cos otherwise, after all that pent up frustration, you might not be able to have a calm discussion
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (14 September 2006):
 I think............HELL YES!!! If it bothers you than she should take heed to that and discontinue this behaviour. Its not like you're being unreasonable. No man wants someone groping his wife gay or straight. I think you should strongly express your dissatisfaction and if she doesn't understand just tell her to put herself in your shoes. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Hello Anonymous,
My thoughts are that your wife should not be doing this (I and married and also have gay friends - they never lay a hand on me). I believe if you are uncomfortable with this, then your wife should have the heart to stop. She should care about your feelings. And clearly, if this really meant nothing, then she wouldn't hesitate.
In my own personal opinion, I think that she's grown so used to his "affections" that she would miss them if they were gone. She likes the attention - not just from him, but having you a bit jealous over it. And seriously, it's one thing to be close with someone, but it's very different if it involves groping her chest and butt.
See, another thing that is a problem with this whole thing is that it was okay with you for so long. She might not even think it's really hurting you as much as it really is. Perhaps she doesn't understand the damage it's causing you. If you have been married for seven years, and it's just now coming up, then she probably thinks it's not a big deal.
You also have to look at it from her side. This is probably coming out of nowhere in her opinion. Just all of a sudden you're now trying to limit her "friendships." Maybe she understands you, but doesn't like the feeling that all of a sudden you're trying to "change" her when you knew this is how she has always been. This is probably the part of the whole situation that's going to be the toughest to get through.
And originally when I was reading your post, that kind of thing did pass through my mind - I thought, well he knew this is how she acted so why all of a sudden is he getting all upset about it? It's nothing new. But to see that the actions have *increased* in recent times is a cause for concern, in my opinion. (It would definitly bother me in your position!)
But also, getting back to putting yourself in her shoes -- she might feel like this is putting her in an awkward situation that she really doesn't want to have to face. She doesn't want to have to tell her friend that she's known for so long and who she's had a touchy relationship that all of a sudden their "affections" for one another are off limits. And she might not want to tell him because she doesn't want you (and probably herself) to make this guy feel like he's overstepped his bounds. Making him feel bad/awkward would probably make her feel the same way. See what I mean?
What I suggest is talking with her and telling her everything that's on your mind. Try not to sound like you're complaining or whining. Just let her know straight up how your feelings are and why - the phone calls, the touching, the kissing, the everything. Tell her to try and see it from your prespective, as you are trying to do with her. Hopefully she'll be open to at least stopping most of the touching - then maybe you can work on it from there.
Think about it from her perscpective and then try to talk to her. It will make it easier on the both of you.
Oh, and one last thing. I high recommend *not* talking to the guy right now - doing that would probably make him offended/angry/resentful and/or it would make your wife pretty angry, from what I gather. I think that you should only talk to her friend if she suggests that all of you sit down to have a chat.
Take care.
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