A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This weekend I was on a hike with some friends and witnessed something that makes me uncomfortable and a little afraid for one of my friends. I would like to hear your opinion on this situation.It was my first time having a chance to talk to my friend's boyfriend. He seems like a nice, charismatic guy, just a bit too certain about some personal truths to the point of putting down people who don't share his views.One thing I very quickly noticed is that he is trying to "parent" my friend and often comments on some of the things she does in a rather negative light, spinning it as a joke. Now, she seemed pretty capable of putting him back into his place, but he kept going and I wasn't entirely convinced by his joking manner. I felt it as an attempt to control. But she seemed entirely capable of dealing with it and I assumed that he's used to a certain style of communication and eventually find out it's not something she responds to.Otherwise, they seemed very much in sync, and very passionate during the whole trip. They made plans together and worked on projects. They're both artists and they collaborate a lot. He seemed to be very supportive of her ideas and projects (or approving? Hmmm...)But the thing that made me worried happened when we were going home and it was just me and them. There was a bit of a mix up with the trains and we missed ours, so we had to wait an hour in the middle of nowhere. She had all the info about the train due to being the only one with internet access, so we relied on her. But the signs at the station were really confusing and we didn't notice our train until it was leaving, despite waiting for it. He started picking on her about it, but she wasn't in the mood for jokes so she instantly shifted the blame to him. He took her by the neck with quite some force, until she hit him to let go. It went so fast I barely had time to notice something's up before it was over. She was furious, understandably, and they started arguing about it, until she stopped speaking to him and he stepped away. Now, I didn't know what to do and didn't want to escalate the situation in any way especially because he was still in earshot, so I just kept close to her just in case, but I didn't do or say anything, except ask what happened back there. She just said that the way he grabbed her hurt.Eventually he came to her and apologized, but I had a distinct feeling he just wanted her to stop being mad. She did accept the apology, but kept her distance at first. She was trying to make him express he's sorry I think, by making extra demands, but got the feeling he's not sorry, not really. However, by the time we arrived back home they were again laughing together and making plans for future projects.This really troubles me and I think I should bring it up again when we both are in private. She's moved to a new city recently - where I live - and while she has a great family, I don't think she knows all that many people here well enough (I have to say we're not particularly close either, but since I saw what happened...) It's really making me worried. On the other hand I know her as a capable woman who wouldn't stand for anything like this... probably. She does love him and seems pretty attached to the future they plan together. But what would I say? As far as I can tell from knowing her, she will minimize the incident, if only to keep things looking nice and positive.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 August 2017):
 In your shoes I would just keep the channels of communication open so that she can feel she can confide in you if she needs to. If you start probing or criticizing, she will just become secretive and defensive. Perhaps try to organize occasional "girls' nights" out together without, just the two of you or a small group, so that she feels your emotional support?
You are a good friend to worry about her and, in your shoes, I would also be worried. If that is how he behaves in public, I dread to think what may go on behind closed doors. However, all you can do is hope your friend feels comfortable enough to confide in you IF she needs and wants to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I don't recommend that you try to give her relationship advice; because she will become defensive and protective of her relationship.
That is a natural response. On top of being humiliated that a display of domestic-violence happened in-front of you will force her into denial. She didn't want anyone to see that. She loves him, and has accepted it as part of dealing with his aggression and behavior. In her mind, she can handle it.
You say you're not that close. So careful how you approach someone's personal-life. You mean well, but people will get angrier at you, than at their partner. She's used to protecting him and forgiving him. You don't know or understand the under-workings of their connection; nor the dynamics of their relationship. It's complicated.
The best advice would be to tell her to remove herself from the relationship. Anything short of that, is just prying in her business. That doesn't mean you can't address it for your own sake, and on your own behalf. It affected you too! It put you in a very uncomfortable position. That's an understatement!!!
Tell her directly that you were very disturbed by bearing witness to a man grabbing her by the throat. It frightened you and upset you very much. Keep it personal about how it affected you. If she opens-up about it; there's your window of opportunity to advise, and have an in-depth conversation.
If she clams-up, just tell her that you would never remain in a relationship if a man ever put his hands on you. Don't say another word beyond making this point. You plant a seed when you can't plant a tree. That seed will grow in her mind; and that alone will make her think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I'm mean and spiteful. Let me just toss that out there really quick because I don't put up with it either. A guy like that can take a strong willed woman and break her down really quick so if you're around her often, as her friend, you're role is to keep her feeling up while she figures her worth out. You should definitely talk to her about it one on one. The issue is if she's in love and lost her willpower, and he realizes you're giving her good advice, his intentions are going to be knocking you out of the picture. If by chance that happens, make sure she knows you're always a phone call away. A good friend does such. I'd be mean as hell to the guy, though it's not your boyfriend and probably not most beneficial to do so. I've no respect for such boys. I'd crack jokes like he does "it's so cute how you two are together. You'd never think just the other day he was choking you over petty stuff!" But that's me. I'm intolerant when it comes to my girls.I was with an abusive guy before. The first thing they try to do is cut off her social ties so that it's easier to control them so the most important thing for her is to not allow that. It would further enable his behavior. By maintaining a healthy relationship with friends and family, she'll regularly be reassured she deserves respect and that she shouldn't put up with such. And he needs to realize he's loosing your vote when he treats your girl that way. Let him hear you tell her how loved she is and how good she looks etc in a friendly manner. He'll see his attempts to bring her down failing because someone else met her emotional needs, her friend. As I said before, abusive people want to eliminate others who disable their efforts to break the girl down to their level of insecurity, they aim to isolate them. Don't let that happen. She needs to regularly know and be confident that there's options for leaving and that it's ridiculous to put up with such, and that's something you wouldn't even have to verbally tell her if she's not isolated and can clearly see so for herself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Hello, For starters it's good to see that your looking out for your friend by asking for advice on what you should do.My personal opinion is if I was you, I would sit down with your friend and talk with her about what you have been noticing. If you choose to talk to her about it, be careful in how you come across because you dont want her thinking that you dont like her boyfriend, or that your not supportive of her relationship. Tell her that you think he is a nice guy... and then say the little things you have been noticing. Dont suggest to her that they should break up, give her advice such as "talk to him about it" Or "Dont let him get into any habbits because that wont create a healthy and stable relationship for your friend and could end horribly. But I really think you should talk to your friend about your concerns for her. To be honest, I dont think there is much more you can do then that because after all this is her relationship, no one elses. Anyway I wish you the best
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