A
male
age
41-50,
*am1974
writes:Hi, I have met my wife in 2003 and we got engaged in 2005 and married in 2008. When we first met she had a very bad temper and she was verbally abusive, but she would cry and apologise soon after we argue. I tried all my best to help her and things got better but never gone away. She is now 30 years old, the temper is still there, but the abusive language has gone a lot better. She was working full time and we were both making money and financially we were OK. After we decided to get married, she said to me she is going to give up work and go back to studying. I was fine with it and she used her own money to pay for her studies. After we got married, she started studying and life carried on where it started, I am paying all the bills, but another problem started. She would not do any work at home. She expects me to do all the housework and also pay the bills. She would stay in bed on weekends until one o’clock in the afternoon. I am not suggesting she should do all the housework, but I was looking to share. Even when she is at home all day, after I come from work she would not even bother making a cup of tea let alone to make me something to eat. I confronted her about this. I asked her if she would want to discuss this. She was defensive and accusing me of not trusting her. I asked her if we could share. And then she becomes argumentative and sometimes abusive. One day I came back from work and she was not there and got a text saying she has gone to her parents and she will stay there for a while until she finishes her studies. I just could not believe it and thought she did this because she is immature and lazy as she was not wiling to share work at home. What advise would you give me?Thanks,
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (14 January 2009):
 Hey there. This wife of yours sounds quite a bit like my boyfriends ex-wife. Well with that difference that she did everything for him basically second mum BEFORE they got married. Then she changed into this monster, verbally and physically abusive. He is a very calm and soft hearted person and I guess became this doormat for her. I totally agree with the previous poster, she has given a great bunch of advices. I am sure your wife has told her parents how awful you are and be prepared that they will not take your side in this as she is their daughter. Anyway for a 30 year old she seems quite immature and I guess its just a matter of how much you love her and whether she wants to work on your relationship before it will get worse and will lead to divorce.
All the best
A
male
reader, Sam1974 +, writes (14 January 2009):
Sam1974 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much. Brilliant advise. You just don't know how much difference you have made. I will go away and deal with it now :-)
Thanks,
Sam
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (14 January 2009):
 Personally I think she is taking you for granted. OK not all women are full of the joys of spring about doing housework just because they are a woman but at the end of the day you are both trying to do your best and yes studying can be tiring but you are also working full time so the home chores need to be 50/50 not 100/0.
If you have run around after her for some time now and she knows nothing else then she feels that why does she need to bother.
The fact that she has moved back to mummy and daddy until after her studies is finished is perhaps because she knows she can get away with blue murder there.
To send you a text though to say she is staying there until after her studies are finished then that is just purely unfeeling and uncaring.
You need to go round there really and confront her in front of her parents as they have probably heard a completely different story from her saying that she cannot study at home and you are a monster in some way. Don't let that happen, let them know what you have been putting up with.
Presumably all her clothes are with her at her parents? If not, take round a case of her clothes and say that you are considering renting out the spare room or something as you cannot make ends meet on your own and you are also considering hiring a cleaner to take care of the day to day chores as you cannot do everything. It may provoke a reaction and you have not played into her hands.
Whilst you do nothing and say nothing she has the upper hand.
Confront her or ring her parents or something, get things out in the open. If she says she wants to come home tell her that until you both sign up to couple counselling things will never change and you need to resolve your differences. If she wants the marriage to work, she will agree, if not, you know that she has lost interest in your relationship.
You need to start being the stronger person in this relationship and she has had it her own way for far too long. Why didn't she tell you she was going to give up work before you got married, she knew you probably would have thought about the marriage differently and possibly would not have gone through with it?
Keep us posted OK, she is the lazy one, not you. Don't be a doormat. If one of you hoovers, the other one does the washing or cooking and visa versa. I used to share cooking with my ex 3 evenings a week each and the 7th day a takeaway so that not one person is constantly in the kitchen while the other one lounges around sipping drinks with their legs up.
BFN
Country Woman
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