A
male
age
41-50,
*atshark1982
writes:recently my wife went back to school and the first couple weeks she called me and wanted me to bring her lunch if I could, but the last couple weeks she ignores me all day and says she is too busy and tells me not to come up with lunch. She has also been texting a male classmate for about a week now and says she is just making friends but she doesnt talk to him when Im around only at work or on the way home from school. We have both be unfaithful in our marriage and she has never been able to have a male friend and keep it at just friends. When I asked what they talk about she said they are getting to know each other and background stuff. She said she likes talking to him at work bc he is funny. When I suggested we had the next study group at our house she said that is not a good idea even though she is the only one in her study group that has a house with plenty of room instead of the other peoples apartments. I believe she also sent him a semi naked pic on saturday but not for sure but she claims it was another pic she sent. She describes him as being nothing special but makes him sound like and x she had trouble getting over and it is starting off the same way that when she cheated on me with a guy from work started. The only thing she wants to do with me is have sex she never wants to talk and she has stopped masturbating which is really weird bc she would once a day before or during sex she would. I dont know how to approach this bc before I have gotten mad at her talking to people and pushed her away and thats when she has cheated when we are argueing
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male
reader, catshark1982 +, writes (12 November 2009):
catshark1982 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought I would give a history on our relationship, we have both been unfaithful more than once, for me I have been 4 times the first was with her old roommate about a month into us being together, the second was a girl she worked with who stayed with us about 9 this was around nine months into our relationship, the third was with her boss after a 3 some we had with her that was about a month after getting married and the most recent was 2 months ago with a co workers daughter. For her she was with an x bf she couldnt get over about 2 months in, the next was a friend of hers who she had always liked and was getting a divorce that was at 6 months into our relationship, the next one was around the same time as her co worker stayed with us and she slept with a guy she worked with and he is the one that resembles the current sitution,then her next was after I slept with her boss she slept with a random guy at a party, then recently she slept with the x bf she couldnt get over again when she found out I was seeing my co workers daughter and then a week after she slept with a guy she met at the a club, she has been with more people but I have done it more times. We both love each other so much and this is a 2nd marriage for both of us and both of us were cheated on in our first and our spouses left us for someone else, is it possible we are taking out our anger from the 1st ones on each other?
A
male
reader, catshark1982 +, writes (12 November 2009):
catshark1982 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI confronted her tuesday night and she finally gave in and told me, she admitted to flirting with a guy in her class, and that she had sent him some pics of her topless, she also told me she was doing it bc of my recent unfaithful act that she needed for me to see how bad it hurts when we do this to each other. I asked her why she needed to get back at me and why him she then told me he is 18 she is 26 and he stares at her all day long in class. for some reason the more she talked about it the less anger I was. I am still not for sure what to do, I know she would never leave me for him and I want to believe her that it was just flirting that went a little too far with the pics. I guess I should have said before that we have somewhat of an open relationship in front of each other like it is ok for us to flirt when we are out together or to dance with someone else. I know the issue is not resolved but wanting to keep people updated
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A
male
reader, jnj express +, writes (11 November 2009):
You have a whole lot of red flags here----why won't she allow the study group to be in your home---is it because she is messing around with the guys in the study group----You can't make her do anything, she is going to do what she wants, and you don't want to be a prison guard and PI the rest of your life-----You can only control your part of the mge., but you can let her know what you intend and will do, If she refuses to sit down and seriously discuss your marital problems, AND if she refuses to cut her liasons with all these single students she is messing around with. She is having a real good disneyland like time with all of them, with you its good old hard reality, boring long term mge etc. etc. The two of you have to decide whether you are going to make this mge., work or give it up. But let her know in no uncertain terms, NOT ONE OF THOSE SINGLE STUDENTS SHE IS MESSING AROUND WITH, IS GOING TO LIFT ONE FINGER TO HELP HER SHOULD SHE FIND HERSELF IN ANY KIND OF DIFFICULTY. That's where you come in---hard reality, take care of the problems, fall back guy---that's you. You need to let her know very plainly she either chooses to come back to the mge., and act like she is married and not a single college student, or she can BECOME A SINGLE DIVORCED COLLEGE STUDENT. Once again you can only control and do for you----she controls her, she has to want to be married to you!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Seems like it. Things seem strained between the two of you again, and you know what happened last time. So does she, and she knows she got away with it.
That is the problem with cheating, it is often impossible to repair a relationship fully. I only seen it work with far older couples for who the relationship is more then just love/sex but also an investment and for where the cheater is basically getting to old to want to.
I don't know what she did, but years of experience have made me believe that cheaters tend to remain so in the same relationship.
If she ain't cheating, you both need to work harder again at this marriage. Or accept that you two will keep falling back into this strained relationship again and again because somehow, it ain't working or you two are unable to make it work.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (9 November 2009):
 It sounds like you are afraid to be direct with her and open up old wounds. I imagine it is a bad subject to bring up considering your own past as well.
I was hoping to hear something in your post about anything positive in your marriage so that I could do my "eternal optimist thing" but you really didn't give me anything to go on.
Do you really need an outsider to tell you the obvious?
Wait a sec...I do have something positive for you. Look at what a wonderful learning experience you have had. I doubt you will ever make these mistakes again.
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