A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm confused. my bf and I been together for 5 years, moved to the same town (same apt) and both started law school together and it's been a very up and down kind of thing. In feb, I felt like i had doubts, and thought, the next logical step to my life after law school is marriage, and I don't feel ready for that with him and I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that with him, and what do I do with that information. He and I decided to stay together, but I went to see a counselor to sort of help me figure out if my concerns were me nitpicking, or school stress compounding my having tendencies to be negative and cut people out of my life when i feel a relationship's not working for me (he had class when I went so it couldn't be couples counseling).I originally went to someone who I felt like was 'too nice', assurance, maybe , when I felt like I wanted answers. Maybe...I got too much of what I was looking for, or am scared to own what she found, but..this new counselor, first time I met her, she mentioned she was of the opinion that people should not marry their first boyfriends, I'm still young; she said straight up that my relationship sounded dysfunctional, which sounded like a pretty extreme characterization to me, no one's ever said that to me before. So I come home with these disturbing interpretations on my relationship, and I feel particularly uncomfortable. if there IS something I feel like is an issue that was brought out in the session, I want to tell him, but then I don't want to use it and sound vindictive and sound like i'm using it against him (the last couple weeks we'd been butting heads a little more than usual so I didn't want to exacerbate it). So then I keep it to myself and think "X is just like she says" if it happens again, and then it seems like...I'm keeping score and what my therapist says wins out over my bfs? and then when my bf does something nice that I would have found countered negative stuff in the past, but now it's just like an exception to her rules. I feel like she's trying to get me to be okay with breaking up, and that makes me uncomfortable, is this overstepping her bounds? This last time she seemed proud of me that I had gone from saying that was not an option to me saying it was feasible. Asking me things like what the worst case scenario is for leaving him.The thing is, I don't WANT to leave. Yes we have rough patches but I AM attached to this person. In a lot of ways, he is my life. I care about him, I have surges of happiness when I'm around him, I still think about the future with him..I asked her to explain these mixed feelings to me and she says that it's normal to have mixed feelings and that there's no rush and that I'll know when the time comes or whether the relationship has run its course or not but I feel like...bringing to her my relationship worries, and her interpreation of them as symptomatic of a bad relationship, reinforces my concerns, and I get kind of doomsday about the whole thing. I'm starting to feel like breaking up is a given and I don't know if this whole question is me resisting this supposed inevitability, and me projecting my fears of moving on onto her is my using her as a scapegoat for my problems..I've started to think that it's not me that's ultimately breaking up with him but her who's breaking us up because she suggests it will or should happen. I guess I really wanted to see her on how to fix the relationship, not on how to end it and it seems like this is the only option I'm left with after the session. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): No counsellor or therapist should ever express such opinions as she did in that people should not marry their first boyfriends
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. It certainly has made things in my mind tense, being pulled in two directions. My school year's almost over so I won't see her for at least the full summer, and I'm also interning in a different town, so maybe the combination of her forcefulness and some physical distance will help me figure things out without someone sort of pushing an agenda..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): If you went to her because you had doubts about being with your boyfriend long term and you didnt want to marry him. Then she has been trying to help you move on because she thinks thats what you were asking for. By telling her you now think its feasible to leave him, she will think she is supporting you in your decision. You need to express to her what you have written here because she wont know how you truely feel unless you are honest with her. Without that, she cant really help you. I think this is why the counselling isnt working very well. You have to be completely honest and tell her that you feel the counselling is going in the wrong direction. If you dont want her to support you in leaving him but support you to stay with him, you have to explain that to her or she wont have a clue how to help you im afraid.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): Sounds like you have a cheap councillor.There is no right answer you're going to get from any forum or therapist. You have go figure it out yourself. But I can say that from what you've written, you love this guy! Maybe you dont have to rush to get married but don't waste your time overanalysing things if you are happy together. Damn girl just enjoy it. Don't fall into the trap of the grass is greener on the other side. YOU are the one who makes the grass green. Do it with the awesome guy you're with now or do it with someone else. Happiness comes from within - not from other people.And don't listen to that crap about not marrying your first boyfriend. Love is love. Do you think our ancestors hundreds of years ago were telling us not to stay with the first person we were naturally inclined to love?Love! Love more! Love proudly and love again!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 April 2011):
 she's definitely crossing the line. counselors are not supposed to give direct advice or strongly push you in any particular direction. take this from a girl who has a psychology degree. the ultimate goal of counseling is for your therapist to basically be a tour guide in a sense. to let you do the talking but to interject and ask enough questions to gently guide you down the path you choose to take. or gently steer you in the right direction. don't get me wrong, counselors definitely can and should call you out when your thinking is drastically flawed. but once again, not by straight out telling you what to do. counselors don't get paid to share their opinion. they don't have all the answers to the universe.if i were you, and you're looking to better understand your boyfriend and work on your relationship together, i would find a different counselor. one who's apparently not so biased and set on ending your relationship. finding a good counselor and the right one for you is like finding a good pair of jeans. they just fit. this woman just isn't your size. i hope that helps answer some of your questions. good luck.
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