A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:You're probably going to think "you got what you wanted, now be satisifed with it" or "another typical case of woman takes married man and another woman's leftovers", but this is not quite that.I got with my current boyfriend in August 2019, a year after he'd divorced his wife due to irreconciliable differences and because things got physical and he was left with scratches on his face that were unexplained (co-workers at his office kept questioning it). He had at the time, a 7-year-old daughter with her (she's now 9). I first met him in August 2017 and we were friends in work, he was a boss, but not my boss (he was a manager at the other office in La Plata, nearly an hour away from Buenos Aires); my boss is female.At the time I liked him, but could do nothing about it as he was married and I didn't even try flirting with him because I thought it would be wrong.It wasn't until July 2019 that he admitted to me he liked me and that we got together as a couple officially, although fortunately, perhaps, we didn't have to see each other in the same office or department; he only came to head office in Buenos Aires about four times a year, so wasn't frequent. so no worries about working together if he broke up.He moved in with me in February 2020, not the other way around.Since then, and the lockdowns in Argentina, he's been having arguments with his ex-wife about access to their daughter but she's refused to let him see her and claimed "You're obese and your dick is small" over the past year.I'm not the one responsible for the breakup, he broke up because things got physical and abusive, issues unrelated to me.Since we got together, I'm starting to question if he is the right partner; granted, he's a nice guy, helps with the chores and takes the rubbish out, but his obsession with eating snack foods watching TV in his underwear for hours and then working out for hours afterwards when he should be, theoretically, working from home, is causing friction; he's even uploaded to social media an image of himself in underwear with this text "Me veo muy atractivo en mi ropa interior, ¡uno de los hombres más atractivos que se puede ver con un cofre muscular completo de seis pack y limpio! Soy un tipo musculoso realmente atractivo y también me veo genial en la ropa interior de mi novia, ¡vea las cuatro imágenes en esta publicación de blog! ¿Cuántos hombres pueden decir eso? Woo-hoo. El fin de semana está aquí !!! ¿No te ves realmente genial en la ropa interior de tu novia! ¡Tanto para los chicos con un "cuerpo de papá", idiotas que no tienen mucho ego!".There was a blog with 60 pictures of this, but it was mostly a blog about life in the city of Buenos Aires and restaurants.He's told me in the past week or so he wants to get back with his ex-wife, re-marry her next year post-coronavirus pandemic and that our relationship is over.He's missed his daughter and hasn't seen her for 2 years, his wife refused to let him see her despite the child custody arrangements and now he says she's changed, she's had psychiatric treatment and they want to start over from a clean slate as a family again, he misses the shared history of them as a couple, shared friends etc.He found it difficult to integrate into my social circles in the short time we were together before COVID stopped socialising. Some racists made jokes about him and he felt very sensitive; it doesn't help that he struggled to fit in with my social circle which was wealthier than he was (he couldn't seem to fit in with rich Italian-Argentines and rich Dutch-Argentine people, struggled socially with them, some of them didn't like him on basis of skin colour; he's Chinese-Argentine).I'm starting to see the problems in our relationship; sex is OK, but he isn't as into experimenting as me, it's fairly vanilla (no, not threesomes or anything like that, role-playing etc!) and his obsession with over-eating and then over-exercising.Some of you will say "You made your bed, you lie in it", but this isn't a typical affair situation is it; I waited until he was single, we got together, so that's not wrong is it?Cultures have become a problem; he's from a Chinese-Argentine family and is fairly Westernized but has some Chinese attitudes, particularly towards sex, while I'm from an Italian-Argentine family for whom Catholicism is no longer as important as it once was (and that's caused friction within my family). We're both Argentine, not expats or immigrants to here.As it is, he's now decided to go back to his ex-wife and start from a clean slate, announced it yesterday .I thought I loved him and am now questioning the whole relationship, but am I wrong to do this?Is my story a cautionary tale about waiting for a married man and being careful what you wish for, or have I fucked up bigtime?Was I wrong to have waited till he was single and wanted me?I do have friends to help me emotionally, but I'm wondering how I can avoid getting into something like this again.
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affair, broke up, divorce, ex-wife, flirt, his ex, limp, married man, moved in, my boss, text, threesome, underwear Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2021): I wonder why your Argentine husband does not speak Spanish. Half of what he says makes no sense for Spanish-speaking people . A cofre is not a chest in Spanish ; in fact ,it is...in the sense it's a big box where you keep valuables in.Like a pirate chest ,a treasure chest. Not the part of the body whose Spanish name is pecho, or torso. Ditto for "seis pack ".It makes no sense in Argentina, they call it "tabla a lavar " .Also;they would not use a generic "ropa interior a" for male underwear; there are more usual. more specific words. And so on and so forth.In short , strangely your Argentine husband speaks the stilted Spanish of some well-meaning American tourist.Maybe if he worked on that and reached a mother-tongue fluency,that would help with his problems of social adjustment and he would fit in better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2021): Here's my rough translation from Spanish to English:
"I look very attractive in my underwear, one of the sexiest men you can see with a clean six pack full muscle chest! I am a really attractive muscular guy and I look great in my girlfriend's underwear too , See all four pictures in this blog post! How many men can say that? Woo-hoo! The weekend is here! Don't you look really great in your girlfriend's underwear! So much for the Guys with a "daddy body", idiots who don't have much ego!"
Forgive my grammatical errors; it took me a while, but it's almost all of it. I may have left-out some of it. I had to translate for some of our readers.
You sometimes don't know whom you're with, and what you've gotten yourself into; until you live with that person. I don't see the point of the blame-game after the fact. You made a big mistake.
There is no guarantee you'll make the same mistake; but I think you'll be pretty cautious not to do it again! I mean you really went to great lengths to establish the fact you weren't his mistress. Seems the final-outcome isn't any better than had you been!
My dear, I think you got desperate to have a boyfriend; and obviously you rushed into it! You said a lot, but you neglected to admit this. Doing everything you can to avoid being judged as a homewrecker.
You have to kick him out. You can feel sorry for him, after he's gone. He's a hot mess! Heed the warnings of exes!
Sulking and regret is counterproductive. You've placed a lot of emphasis and detail on the differences in your backgrounds! You didn't see any of this in the beginning?
No doubt, you're totally incompatible. What exactly made you commit to this guy and move him in? How did you miss all this mess? Everything you've described about him is stuff you'd pickup on somebody pretty quickly. I mean...looooong before you moved him in!
Did he make some kind of alien-like transformation as soon as he moved in, or what??? I really doubt it. You were on some kind of rescue mission, and full of pity for him. Now you're sorry!
Get him out of your house! He's a grown-man, he can take care of himself. Doing chores and taking out the trash doesn't compensate for the hot mess you described him to be. I'd say you've learned your lesson! Don't rush into moving guys in until you know more about them! If their exes warn you, listen!
I'd lend you my catapult, but the shipping costs would be outrageous! Whatever way you decide to put him out, he's got to go!!! Don't beat yourself up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2021): Very interesting post but I hardly see any problem there. It is just a normal life story as life flows by. You met a guy who has been previously married and has a 9 yr old daughter you start living together and you discover that he has some traits you don't like and certainly you are not in love with him also he wants to break up with you and go back to his ex for the sake of their daughter. Hardly anything exceptional there. It happens to everybody one way or another. You date someone then you discover you are not into them much or they are not into you much you break up and repeat the process with somebody else till you find your perfect match, your soulmate. I think you both will be happier apart from each other. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 April 2021):
 One question: why are you still providing him with lodgings? He has told you he is going back to his wife, therefore your relationship has no future. Are you hoping he is going to change his mind if you let him stay? I doubt that will happen and, if it does, he could change it back again over and over. He will just continue taking advantage of you until it is convenient for him to move out. Expecting you to provide a roof over his head while he mends his relationship with his wife is disrespectful and delays the healing process for you. Put yourself and your wellbeing first and get rid of him.
While I totally understand you waited until he left his wife before starting a relationship with him, I suspect that, in the time between meeting him and moving in together, you built up an image of him in your mind which fell far short of reality. Had you been more astute, you would have conducted a long distance relationship until you knew more about him and whether you two could realistically build a future together. I believe the universe sends us people to teach us life lessons. Learn your lesson from this experience and use it going forward. Get to know the real person, not the imagined one, before committing to them.
Chin up. You'll survive this, stronger and wiser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 April 2021):
 Here is the crux of it all, OP
"He's told me in the past week or so he wants to get back with his ex-wife, re-marry her next year post-coronavirus pandemic, and that our relationship is over."
So tell him, "good luck", get the F out of my house NOW.
KICK him out. Corona or no Corona he needs to be gone. If he wants to go back to an abusive partner then THAT is his choice. You can't CONTROL any of what he wants or feels or does. But you can DECIDE to not let him stay with you when there IS no future for you.
The cautionary tale is that HE moved in WAY too quickly. Sure you met him years ago in a work invorinment. So you had no idea of his personal habits, his REAL personality, how he actually felt about his ex, etc.
You were not wrong to wait until he was single, you were wrong in letting him move in before having spend a LOT more time together in person. (INHO)
You were his rebound OP. I know that SUCKS to know. My guess is there is a lot more to the story between him and his wife. If he wanted access to his daughter he would have taught out legal help, not just say and ate junk food and taking selfies on your couch.
This is not about YOU not being "good enough", this is about him not being OVER his ex when he got into a relationship with you. THIS is about him missing his daughter SO much that he rather go live with this ex. No matter how horrible she treated him.
There are no guarantees in life, OP. I'd probably date someone for a good 1 -1 1/2 before living together. And that would be with seeing each other several times a week, not several times a year. Meeting the person's family and friends. Making sure you have enough in common to build a future together.
You picked the wrong guy. The "wrong" guy for you. Ge sounds self-obsessed and a bit of a joke. You can do better!
Chin up and kick him out. ASAP. Time for you to go no contact with him (if possible) and work on moving on.
Good luck!
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